A New Start

All my life I have strived to be a good person and friend. I tried to be someone you could count on, someone that you cherished as a friend. Now I must tell you that the friend you knew and cared for is no longer going to be around. He has lived a deep painful secret that must finally be revealed, with the fear of hurting those he loves and will hate to lose. Over the years from my earliest childhood, I hurt and tried to survive in a world that I never fit into..I looked around and saw the world moving on, as I remained in a confused state and tried to cope. I worked hard to have those close to me proud of my accomplishments. And now I stand before you about to tear all that down so that my life may go on and I can finally be happy....a happiness I am only now beginning to understand as my new world and responsibilities shift.

For 48 years I have felt the pain of being in the wrong body, having a heart and need that never quite matched my brain and soul. After years of tremendous anxiety and guilt , thoughts of suicide, and the unbridled fear of discovery, I have decided to finally be the person I have hidden with such pain.

In November 1996, close to utter break down, and weighing death over the wrong life I sought help and compassion from Dr. Libby Tanner, Ph. D. Adult Psychotherapist. After 6 months of therapy and intense soul searching I began to emerge and understand my pain. All my life I felt I was a girl trying to cope in a man's world. I looked at the world thru the eyes of a girl child, later a young teen girl and finally thru the eyes of a young woman...yet I was trapped in a man's world. I dealt with that responsibility with heart and compassion, while I hid and cried for the freedom to finally be that woman behind the tearful eyes.

On June 1997 I started on that long journey to finally match body and soul and eliminate the pain I have known for 48 years. On that magic day I became Patricia Ann McCurdy...and started to chemically transform my body to match my heart. I have a year or more to go before I have the surgery that will finally alter me to the girl I have been since my first breath of life. Little is known of what causes a person to feel the anxiety of being the wrong gender, but suffice it to say it is real and to a depth only our Creator understands. He has opened the door for me and I must enter to be eternally happy, its all any human being wants!

I realize this may be a shock, and the loss or the confusion of our new friendship may not survive my changes. I want you to know I understand your pain and reluctance to accept my new self and life for me will move on. I will always hold your memory as a friend and all I ask is remember Patrick in the same vain. God bless and thanks for those special times.

Sincerely and Always,
Patricia

                                      
                                           Patricia Ann McCurdy     June 1997

                                      A candle flickers in a dark cold room
                                      It's glow a dim light, a backdrop of shadow 
                                      The flame burns warm the dark is half-lit
                                      The room is warm yet to dark to see.

                                       Life in the middle is a candle lit room
                                       Never sure of the shadows
                                      Always safe from the cold  
                                      But candles are not eternal......................
                                      And the right life can be......!