One to One With Cindy Martin Transgender Forum Publisher © Transgender Forum Got a news tip? Seen a story with a TG angle to it? Don't assume we know about it already. Email Cindy and she'll spread the news!

January 26, 1998

mpulse control. Poor impulse control. It's making headlines today in the Clinton sex scandal and it's an issue that many of us are very familiar with.

No, we aren't having sex with multiple partners half our age, at least I don't think many of us are. But the whole issue of compulsion and its consquences is a very real part life for a lot of us. I don't know "why" I must cross-dress, I just know I must. But the need to cross-dress is not the problem, just like having oral sex in and of itself isn't a problem. The problem is when we act on harmless impulses in a damaging way.

Over the years I've found that many spouses can deal with their husband's cross-dressing. They work out some kind of system or rules that she expects will be honored. Things go well until she discovers that he's gone way beyond what she thought was agreed. He usually cannot offer a justification other than that he "had" to do it, that he "couldn't help himself." They may make up, but now she doesn't trust him quite as much. Eventually, if he keeps on breaking his promises, she won't trust him at all.

Sometimes people wonder at the fact that I've been married for 20-plus years to a woman who sometimes actually boots me out of the house so I can cross-dress. Some seem to think there is something unusual or unique about our relationship. While I like to think we are both quite unique, I really don't believe there is anything particularly unusual about the way we do things. What is unusual about being truthful to someone you love? Or backing off from doing something you really wanted to do because it would be right for her? Or treating your spouse like your best friend. That's what love is, isn't it?

I'm not a saint. I've made plenty of mistakes. But I learned a long, long time ago, that just because I have a desire doesn't mean I have to act on it.

For example, I may desire breasts, but I know that growing them would destroy our relationship. So, I because I love and care about my wife, I don't take hormones. In exchange, she doesn't give me a hard time about the occasionally big credit card charge at Macy's or a Saturday night out with the girls. I honor her needs and she honors mine -- within the reasonable boundaries we both have.

I know that some women cannot accept a transgender husband. But I certainly believe that most women are willing to at least give their husband the benefit of the doubt, to work something out they both can live with. But I don't know many women who will put up with a liar who cannot control himself and keep his promises.

Well, I know of one, but this isn't a political column.

rediction: Monica Lewinsky's blue "cum dress" will be the hottest selling design of the year. I have to see this thing, don't you?

You watch, a lot of couples are going to incorporate a "You be Monica and I'll be Bill" fantasy into their sex lives. I guess in our community it's anyone's guess who will play who...

re support groups dead? I've really begun to wonder about this because I'm hearing too many reports of declining, or stagnant, memberships in all the big cities.

Usually, the reasons I hear are ultra-local: the leadership is too entrenched, all the volunteers are alienated, they shouldn't have raised the membership cost, meetings are dull, etc., etc.

I think it goes a lot deeper because, trust me, these same problems existed 10 years ago when organizations were popping up and growing like weeds.

So what's going on? Why does a group like ETVC, an organization I know well, have one a membership that hovers in the mid-300s when just a few years ago this San Francisco support group had over 450 members?

The reason, according to my very perceptive Elizabeth Walters can be summoned up in one word: options.

Walters, is editor of ETVC's Channel newsletter, a TGF fan and an inveterate traveller and nightclubber. She is about as loyal an ETVC person as I am (which is damn loyal) and worries that the organization hasn't quite figured out how to respond to the many options now available to TGs outside of support groups, principally nightclubs.

As she once told me, "On any given night in San Francisco you can find something for us that's fun, inexpensive and safe. That is the real problem for a volunteer group like ETVC." One could say this is no problem at all, that the ultimate goal of support groups should be to put themselves out of business. The trouble is, there is still plenty of need for support. Unfortunately, the best volunteers, the folks who could really be of most help to newcomers, have a lot of enjoyable distractions available to them that didn't exist a few years ago.

So what should a support group do? Simply wither away? I hope not, because real needs still exist. Here are some basics I would try if I was trying to keep a group alive:

1. Make sure you are doing what you are supposed to do.

Funnily enough one of the last things a lot of groups do these days is actually "support" new people. Parties are great, but parties can be found in many other places these days. Remember why your exist. Every group should have a Big Sister program. These can be hard to start and maintain, but they are vital if any real support is going to get done. And make sure you have a phone number that people can call to get answers and help.

2. Officers must be present at all group functions.

Going to board meetings isn't enough. The officers, like it or not, are the "stars" of the organization and need to be seen. If they don't show up at events why should anyone else?

It would be fabulous to be able to accomodate every person's interests, but the reality is that there usually aren't enough volunteers around to do that. Just because two people show up all the time at some function doesn't mean that function should be continued.

Volunteers are great, but size up their strengths and interests before assigning them to jobs. Some people love to pour coffee at an event, but others like to plan them. Some people only want to do an hour's work a month, others like to do tons of things. Respect both kinds of people and listen to what they say.

Young people are NOT club joiners. Are we all clear on this? Most have other things going on: getting a career squared away, starting families, going out with friends, etc. The young, out, transgender who goes to nightclubs isn't going to go to a support group meeting where people sit around talking. The closeted, young person may not come, but this isn't because of age differences, they usually simply aren't ready to go out the front door yet. The job of the support group is to make sure that if a younger person shows up that they are welcomed and brought into the group very quickly. Come to think of it, that's what should be done for everybody.

Why is this so hard for people to do? Have a dancing area and a chatting area. In the dance area, play middle of the road rock and oldies. A LOT of us like to dance. In the chatting area, make sure there is access to food and drink. Not rocket science.

Maybe this should have been my first tip. I've yet to find a voluntary organization that hasn't gone through a crisis over some "irreplaceable" volunteer. Having irreplaceable volunteers is a good sign that you're in trouble. Turnover may be a problem in the workplace, I think it's healthy in a volunteer group. I've had people wringing their hands in fear that some super-worker wanted to quit. I always have the same response: someone will step in and do the job. If no one is willing than the job isn't worth doing.