Resolution Or Revolution

By Vanessa Kaye

Life is found through living. There are no "secrets" that anyone can give you to help you along the way, and there are few, if any, absolute truths that will apply to all situations. What works for some people, may not work for you.

When I was living and working in Japan, a very close friend of mine used to say to me, "The world is not simply black and white, it is an infinite number of shades of gray." At the time, I was younger, a bit more idealistic, and much less experienced. I didn't agree with him then, but I do now. Without his knowing it, he described the transgender experience quite well.

Linda and I are constantly receiving letters and calls for help from crossdressers, transsexuals and partners. All of them are asking us to "give them the answer" that will make the pain, hurt, frustration, anger and guilt go away. Of course, that is impossible. Each of us, no matter what our demons may be, must face them on our own.

My son, who is five years old, is extremely precious to me. I constantly worry about his safety and wish that I could protect him from all of the physical and emotional dangers that exist in the world. No matter how clearly I tell him that something is dangerous, or might hurt him, he has an inner need to experience the consequences on his own. If, for example, I tell him that he shouldn't touch something because it is hot, he is unconvinced. As soon as I turn my back, he touches the object in question, and learns the facts. While I cannot prevent him from exploring his universe, which is his "job," I am there to kiss the burn and make it better. That is what dads do. And, it is also what friends do.

Even though it sometimes pains me to witness my son experiencing his world, I am, at the same time, proud of his determination to explore and learn. This childlike outlook, which is natural for young people, is what many of us lack as adults. It is a sad loss and something that we should all try to regain.

At New Year's, it is traditional, albeit meaningless, for many people to make resolutions concerning their lives. A great number of these resolutions have a limited life, and then people return to their former ways. Rather than making resolutions about modest changes in behavior, what if one decided upon a "revolution" in their life?

Can a person "change?" Is it possible to become the individual that you wish to be? Would you be surprised if I were to say, "No, you cannot change."? It is very much like the humorous remark we have all heard before, "No matter where you go, there you are." That's exactly my point. No matter how hard you try to be someone other than yourself, you will always be you. You cannot become someone, or something you are not. However, you can become the person that is inside of you.

Despite the great number of persons living in the world, all are individuals. Each has their own special talents, interests, hopes, desires and dreams. Trying to fit into a black and white world, or conforming to one of a few accepted types, is a violation of our inner nature. Living a life of denying your inner-self is the real deviant behavior. Attempting to be the person who others will accept, rather than the person you are, is what is unnatural.

It is clear that many gender-gifted persons and their spouses/partners are unhappy. It is well understood that they want change. What is the right "change?" Only the persons concerned can answer that question. As I stated in the beginning, "Truth is found through living." There isn't a right answer, there isn't a wrong answer. There is, however, "an" answer. If you want transformation in your life, or relationship, you need to make it happen. Those who fail to accept the need for a peaceful change, make a violent revolution inevitable. Whether this change be in your own life or in a relationship.

Living, true living, is dynamic; it is ever-changing and ever-flowing, much like a river. If you have spent the past building a dam to stop or alter your life's flow, this is the time to make a change. This year, unlike those of the past, there will be no "resolutions;" rather, there will be a "revolution." No longer will the dam be maintained or built ever higher. This year, it will be demolished. Unlike the years of the past, there will be no more denial of your inner-self. This applies not only to the transgendered, but to the partner, as well.

"The beauty of the rose is that it is, what it is, without trying to be something else." You cannot be someone you are not, but you can strive to realize the wonderful person that lives within you. This year, discover your own shade of gray.

Hugs,
Vanessa Kaye

Linda and Vanessa Kaye both write for Transgender Forum on a regular basis. They also run the Couples Network , a safe place for couples to connect and learn more about living in a relationship with a transgender person. They have their own web site you may enjoy.

Linda and Vanessa have also written a book together: "Life With Vanessa" Straight talk about integrating transgenderism into a loving, caring and positive relationship.

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