TG Support Groups:
For Better or Worse

Groups of people with similar interests, beliefs, needs or lifestyles have united together in organizations since man (and woman) first appeared on this planet. Some are formed for fun and social interaction, some to provide a forum for the transfer of k nowledge and experience, others exist for political or religious reasons. A quick check of the yellow pages shows organizations ranging from Alzheimer's care-givers to Star Trek enthusiasts. I personally belong to several groups including my local churc h and clubs for people with an interest in archery, bicycling, golf and, of course, crossdressing.

Social and support groups for the transgendered community, a term used here to include both crossdressers and transsexuals of whatever classification, have proliferated in recent years. TG Forum currently lists the addresses of 197 such groups in the Un ited States, 23 in Australia, 19 in Canada, 18 in Germany, 15 in England. Even Lebanon has at least one! In the U.S., there are few areas without a tg organization of some type within reasonable driving distance and thousands of people do belong to them .

Additionally, there are many "private" groups facilitated by counselors and psychologists for specific segments of the transgendered community. Membership in these groups is usually by invitation only and may be even be required as part of a planned life style change or transition.

Support Group or Sorority?

The word "support" is perhaps a mis-used term when applied to many of our tg organizations. As Divinity, founder of the Carolina Trans-Sensual Alliance, told me, "most are sororities or clubs and they don't really provi de any support. Some may even cause harm because they exclude people who really need help and by excluding them make them feel even worse about themselves."

This thought was echoed by JoAnn Roberts, author of Coping With Crossdressing, founder of Renaissance and co-owner of Transgender Forum, who said, "In our community the name support group is a misnomer. Most of our organizations are more lik e social organizations than traditional support groups with all the attendant angst that goes with the word support. However, that does not mean that these organizations are without value. Quite the contrary, by simply existing as a place for like-minded people to gather they provide a certain measure of what we would call support. And, certainly, there are many tg organizations that do provide serious support - peer counseling, hotlines, etc. - for their members."

Call it what you will, few things have given me more pleasure, confidence and belief in myself than my current crossdresser group and I know that I am a happier, healthier and better person because of it. The monthly meetings are, of course, a relatively safe place in which Kerri can leave her closet but that is not my real reason for attending them. I go for the companionship with others who have become close friends, to renew my own sense of self-acceptance, to discover again that I am not alone and, if possible, to help those who are still struggling with some of the issues that once caused me such suffering and distress.

Perhaps a majority of us, however, do not belong to or participate in an organized transgender group of any type. The intriguing question, then, is what makes group membership an almost essential part of life for some (like me) and a waste of time or som ething to be avoided for others.

In an informal and very unscientific survey of the 50 people I correspond with on a fairly regular basis, I found that 60% have, at some time, belonged to a tg group but only 37% hold current memberships. Barely 25% regularly attend meetings and, of thos e, only half belong to the "social" groups such as Tri-Ess chapters, Renaissance, Rainbow Gender Society, ETVC, etc. It bears mentioning that several consider their involvement with on-line groups like TG Forum's chat area or IRC (Internet Relay Chat) to be a very real kind of support in itself and some said the availability of on-line contact had resulted in their dropping out of "live" groups.

The Security Issue:

Among my respondents, the most often cited reason for having never joined a tg group was fear of exposure and the personal loss that might accompany it. For them, security is such a paramount issue that they would not f eel comfortable being part of a "live" tg support group. In nearly all of these cases, the respondents are married crossdressers and have either kept their crossdressing hidden from their wives or feel that any further involvement with it would not be to lerated in the marital relationship.

Even of those who are active members of support groups, 67% said the security issue was of major importance. For these, the concern was with the economic (job loss) and social consequences that might result from having it known that they were part of th e tg community.

Revealing that I was a crossdresser, even to other crossdressers, was a large part of my initial reluctance to join a group. Obviously, I finally overcame enough of that fear to do it and it has been one of the best things I have ever done for mys elf. But it ain't easy and we do not take that step without some risk. No group can guarantee total security. This was graphically brought home to me last month when a long-time member hurriedly left the hospitality suite and, upon her return, explaine d that one of the newcomers, a prospective member attending for the first time and dressed in boy-clothes, worked in her office!

Another Danger:

Interestingly, several of my respondents said they had not joined or did not participate in a group because of a concern that it might lead them deeper into a transgendered lifestyle. As one said, joining a support group could re sult in "endangering what is most precious and important to me for a selfish pursuit, yet knowing how hard it is to resist." Another who belongs to a group but does not attend the meetings commented that she was not sure "how connected to the community a nd how far into the tg lifestyle one should go."

JoAnn Roberts recognized this, too, and said, "There is a downside to our support groups because a certain number of people will be guided down a path that may be wrong for them.... And for a very few number of people, the end result ... is disastrous."

Dr. Richard F. Docter, author of Transvestites and Transsexuals - Toward a Theory of Cross-Gender Behavior, said essentially the same thing: "...we have observed several cases wherein men who had considered themselves heterosexual transvestites de veloped a "mentor" relationship (often in counseling) with a transsexual...the social role-modeling presented by the transsexual mentor seemed to be paralleled by major reversals in gender identity and by demands for sex reassignment."

The Hen Party Issue:

The most common reason given for having dropped out of a group or not attending the meetings, however, was that it provided no current benefit. Several indicated that group membership had generally been a positive experience, but that they had progressed beyond the primary focus of the organization. Some of these, however, developed and maintain friendships with people they met while part of a group.

A particularly revealing comment was made by one who said that she was initially excited by the prospect of belonging to the group but was ignored and never made to feel welcome by the other members. As she said, "the group had its own agenda and I alway s felt like a third wheel. No one remembered my name or asked me to go with them or join in anything." A very similar statement was made by another of my respondents who said she had dropped out because her group degenerated into a "hen party with cliqu es" from which she felt excluded.

Another told me she let her membership lapse because her group spent far too much time on "how to" lessons and not enough on issues important to her. Conversely, one wrote that her former group did not offer enough instruction on ways to improve appearan ce and wardrobe selection. Still another said "we did not do anything except sit around and talk. Everybody was afraid to leave the room and it was no fun."

Why Belong, Then?

I sincerely believe, though, that some tg groups, whether social or counselor-facilitated, can be a very positive experience. I am not alone in this belief. One of my respondents said simply, "I think it saved my life." Anothe r wrote, "I look forward to the meetings more than anything else I can think of."

I had a very emotional experience a few months ago when I talked with a visitor to our group who had been referred to us by his therapist. This man has been a life-long but very secretive crossdresser and, in his words, was nearly driven insane by feelin gs of guilt and depression over it. As I spoke to him, tears spilled down his cheeks and he said that he had never met another crossdresser and had never imagined that a group of us existed anywhere in the world, much less in his home city! Needless to say, he is now an active member.

JoAnn Roberts, with great insight and understanding said, "Are any of these organizations effective? Do they have any value? I think the answer is a resounding, "Yes!" Most tg people are terribly lonely. Many initially believe themselves to be the onl y person in the world who feels the way they do. Finding a local support group is like finding an oasis in the desert; it can be a lifesaver. "Hey, I'm not crazy. There are other people like me." Local support groups also provide access to resources su ch as information providers, mental health care providers and physical health care providers. But, perhaps the most significant thing a local support group can provide a tg individual is a friend. ... It's really nice to not have to pretend abou t who you are with your friends."

I fully agree with JoAnn that the friendships formed as a result of participation in a group are of enormous benefit. The two people I consider to be my best and closest friends are members of my local support group. I know and like both of them in eith er their femme or "bubba" modes. The important thing is that they know me as few others do and find no fault with who and what I am. I do not have to hide anything from them nor pretend to be something I am not.

You Get Out What You Put In:

As with many other organizations, most tg groups are only a collection of people with similar interests who meet at scheduled intervals and are inherently neither more nor less "friendly" than a local church or Kiwanis club. If the objective of membership is merely to associate with other tg people, virtually any tg social or support group will meet the requirement. Indeed, initially, that is exactly what most of us look for and those with reasonably well-developed s ocial skills will fit in satisfactorily.

However, the groups that grow fastest by attracting new members, retain their "old" ones, consistently have the largest meeting attendance and last the longest are inevitably those that encourage participation in the group's activities and have enough goi ng on to involve everyone. It will depend on the group's needs, of course, but some of the better ones have different people in charge of sub-groups for things like social activities, solicitation of vendors, newcomer welcoming, spousal (or significant o ther) support, library and resource maintenance, educational out-reach, "big sister" programs, newsletter publication, hospitality room set-up, and major chapter events. In other words, many people are allowed to work within the main group either as lead ers of these sub-groups or as important participants in them.

Again quoting JoAnn Roberts, "Finally, the thing that makes an organization viable, that keeps it alive, is the willingness of its leadership to share the authority/responsibility with its membership. The groups that are constantly looking for "new blood" and helping them along by actively soliciting their participation are the groups that last the longest. Groups that are personality cults rarely last past the burnout of the cult-leader. This is why so many groups come and go; they are based on the ener gy of one person. When that person does a crash and burn, so does the group."

The Bottom Line:

So, is it worth it to belong to a group? As with me, I think the answer for most of us should be a definite yes! Although perhaps not without some risk, the rewards of belonging to a tg support (or social) group in terms increas ed self-acceptance, lasting friendships and personal growth can be huge. Belonging can relieve much of the loneliness many of us feel and, considering the number of such groups available today, most of us have reasonable access to them.

The better and generally larger of the social/support organizations are those which encourage their members to become active, either as leaders or participants, in sub-groups under the umbrella of the main organization. As JoAnn said, in this way "new bl ood" and new ideas are circulated through the group and there is less likelihood of its becoming stale and uninteresting.

It is almost certain, though, that a large majority of tg people, for a variety of reasons, either do not belong to or participate in a group. Concern over security, while perhaps the single largest factor preventing many from belonging is not the only r eason. Sadly, in very close second place is the feeling that tg groups do not provide any real benefit.

And Finally, A Challenge: Even with the number of organizations available today, relatively few of us have access to more than one and if that one does not meet our individual needs, merely belonging to it will not provide long-term benefit. For that reason, the "drop out" rate in many local tg groups and chapters is quite high.

However, if the group does not meet your needs, there is a very real chance that it is not meeting them for many of its other existing or prospective members. In that case, an opportunity exists to take a leadership role in the organization and he lp it to become a better one. And I sincerely believe this to be something we owe to those coming after us.

If nothing else, we who belong to a group can be friendly, we can welcome our new members, we can offer a hug to another who needs it. We can criticize less and suggest more. We can listen and sympathize and share. We can make a difference.