Thoughts on Dealing with Transgenders as Customers

As Viewed By A Serious Crossdresser

By Susan Hall

To your sales staff:

At some point, if it hasn't already happened, you may encounter a male customer who is buying feminine wares from you . . . for himself. This person is very unique and special and belongs to a group known generally as transgendered, or gender-gifted. Sadly today, these folks are widely misunderstood. The intent of this missive is to bridge that gap of understanding.

There is a wide spectrum of transgendered people, ranging from the casual part-time crossdresser to the complete transsexual. The transsexual who has gone the entire distance has had reconstructive surgery and lives fully as a female. There are many more people who are somewhere in between. In all cases, one's gender identification has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. The vast majority of male crossdressers are eminently heterosexual; indeed their admiration and respect for women exceeds that of the general male population. While one's place on the transgender spectrum may shift with life experience and can be subdivided ad infinitum, it may be helpful to consider three areas: the secretive crossdresser, the serious crossdresser and the transgenderist / transsexual.

THE SECRETIVE CROSSDRESSER

While this term may not be fully accurate vis-à-vis the serious crossdresser, the distinction I am making refers to the transgendered individual who is struggling alone and in secret. Even though I am referring here to someone who is a genetic male, I will use the feminine pronoun "she," because I am referring to her femme side. Further, it is usually most appropriate to refer to a person with pronouns that match their presentation.

Her crossdressing remains a serious matter to her, but she has never been out in public and perhaps has never been to a support group meeting. And yes, there are support groups. Still, she yearns to dress but is so very scared and fearful of discovery. Inside, she harbors a great deal of guilt and shame, wondering what in Heaven's name is wrong with her. She is afraid of discovery and the vulnerability of losing job and family. If married, she may have the added burden of her spouse not knowing. She probably considers her gender dysphoria a curse.

Behind the closed doors and curtained windows of a motel room or within the cloistered confines of her home, she explores her femininity. She may just find satisfaction relaxing in lingerie, or she may go the full route, in wig, full dress and makeup. At some point in her life, maybe sooner rather than later, she may seek help and find support from people like her.

When she goes shopping, either for clothes or cosmetics, she will probably be in male dress. Ostensibly she will be buying a birthday present for her "sister" or "wife." In many situations that is exactly the case! The individual may well be a red-blooded non-transgendered male. But in the case of our secretive crossdresser, there may be some tell-tale signs, such as residual nail polish around the cuticles, longer nails than usually seen on a man, eyebrows plucked a little thinner than usual, maybe even both ears pierced. One of the anecdotes among salespeople is the statement that she might make, "Oh, she's about my size." when selecting a dress. That may be a clue. Still, if you have an idea that this person may be transgendered, in no case should you let on that you know. If you did, she would likely flee the store in embarrassment, never to return. And if you were wrong, the consequences could be unfortunate.

However, if she is looking for a specific cosmetic item, consider that item as if it was for her. For foundation, take into account the facial color camouflaged behind the beard shadow. The skin tone in the forehead region is often helpful. Study her eye color as carefully as you dare without being obvious about it. The idea is that the face before you may be the one for whom the products are intended.

In the case of clothing, consider her colors and proportions. The "winter" colors and "summer" colors are just as valid for an aspiring woman as for a born one. As for style and sizing, your trained eye may well make the difference. This lady may well take them home and try them on in private, intending to return them if she finds them to be not what she thought they were. You can help her get it right the first time, or nearly so. Of course, "a woman has a right to change her mind," no matter what her birth gender happens to be.

Secrecy and confidentially are the keywords. If there is the slightest doubt that the person is buying for herself, forget it. The risk and embarrassment is much too great to fool around with. On the other hand, if she is secretly buying for herself, a little perceptive insight, subtly and carefully conveyed, may help her. Further, if the time should come, if ever, when she decides to come to grips with it all, she may return, knowing that she was treated kindly before. Indeed, she could become one of your best customers.

THE SERIOUS CROSSDRESSER

This is the person who is just coming or has come to terms with her gender gift. She has found the confidence to get out in public and will often shop in feminine dress. She may or may not tell you her true nature. In many cases, she may do so well as to avoid detection. However, my experience has shown that the longer the encounter, the more likely she will be "read." If she hasn't been in public but has found her way into the private setting of a support group, she may be in male dress, but may be more open. If she is not in feminine dress, she may ask for a product and say that it is for her. In any event, let her reveal what she wants to reveal.

Keep in mind that this woman has spent a lifetime of wondering who she really is. She probably was a secretive crossdresser and struggled mightily to come to terms. She may be just beginning, at which point she may be nervous. On the other hand, she may have discovered that she is OK and is having a wonderful time, whether or not she easily passes. At this point, she is enjoying her new found gifts and may be rather euphoric. In any case, she needs support and understanding.

Depending on her stage of development, she may be inappropriately dressed. She may be in her 50s, but attired in a tight miniskirt, fishnet stockings and skyscraper heels. Don't worry about it; she is in seventh heaven. Be impressed by her courage. After all, "she is man enough to be a woman."

On the other hand, she may have it down very well. She may be sensibly dressed, but she is likely to resist dressing too casually. Jeans and sweat shirts in the mall, while most common these days, are anathema to her. They're too close to boy's clothes. She will find any excuse to be in skirts and hose, even on the hottest days. But she will be trying to look nice, look natural and blend in as well as she can.

If she has done something really well, such as coordinate her skirt and blouse colors, or done her eyes really well, compliment her. Considering the experience she may have had, she deserves the boost. If there's something really awry, be careful in offering a critique. Some will welcome advice; others may resist it. Even the most well-meant suggestion might be taken wrong. It is best to err on the side of caution.

If she tells you outright of her gender-gift, you can use your talents to their maximum. The clothing and cosmetic choices that apply to the secretive crossdresser still apply here. There is much that she could learn from your expertise, and she probably wants to do just that. Recently, presenting as a woman, I was looking for an eyeliner and was open with the sales associate. She asked if I minded if she looked closely at my eyes. Her trained eye picked out some subtle green flecks within the deep brown of my eyes. Instead of the coal black shade that I normally would have selected, she suggested a more subtle dark forest green shade, which added much to my overall look. She also advised me to try a powder pencil, something which solved my problems with control and blending.

If she is wearing foundation, look elsewhere, such as at her wrists, where the sun hasn't darkened the natural skin tone, to see if her shade is proper and if her colors are best. Diplomatically, indeed just as diplomatically as with a genetic female, you might suggest new things to try. She is likely to be receptive.

THE TRANSSEXUAL/TRANSGENDERIST

While the transsexual will abhor being categorized with the transgenderist, they have more in common than they are willing to admit. The transgenderist is living full-time without benefit of surgery. The transsexual is living full-time with the surgery. In either case, if she is transitioning, or has completed her planned journey, she has usually had her beard removed by electrolysis, received some voice training and undergone a regimen of hormones to soften her features, grow breast tissue and help make her "passable." This, coupled with her strong feelings that she is a woman (i.e., the old cliché about "a woman trapped in a man's body"), albeit lacking one of the two requisite X chromosomes, will make it difficult to detect her for certain.

On the other hand, there are others who, despite the treatments that I noted, still cannot erase the vestiges of their masculine origins. She cannot hide that "Ernest Borgnine" face or tall body of a linebacker. Hormones have no effect on voice. A prominent Adam's apple may be present. I have always felt that these folks must have a difficult path to follow. They have struggled and made considerable sacrifice and still cannot fully pass as a woman. Still, they must live that way. Often that is all that matters. They'll make it. For others, there must be some severe disappointment. These ladies would still be subject to people's rude stares and reactions, just as for a crossdresser, who has not taken those extraordinary steps. The difference between them and me lies in the fact that they are subject to this situation 24 hours/day, 7 days/week.

For the salesperson, probably the best insight is in the beard. If she has had electrolysis, her facial texture may be nearly as smooth as a woman's. The point is, she is transgendered, but this lady is also very, very serious. She believes in herself with all her heart. She has made a very profound life choice. Many who have the surgery will not acknowledge that they were ever male. They want to leave that part of their lives fully behind and to be totally female, in heart and soul. All should be treated fully like women, regardless of a deep voice or full chin. Just remember the born-women you know who have a deep voice and full chin . . . or that "Ernest Borgnine face."

OTHER THOUGHTS AT RANDOM

Before coming to terms, and even in the first year of discovery and growth, I experienced a tendency to heavily perspire under my makeup. Part of it was no doubt psychological excitement, but another part of it seemed related to metabolism. Back when I was coping alone, I can recall stepping outside my motel room and walking to the car on a cold Winter night and still perspiring. Deciding to take a careful drive, I drove with the heater fully off. Still, the windows steamed up and the condensate froze on the glass. Once I became comfortable with myself and accommodated to my gender gift, this whole phenomenon ceased. Of course, my makeup still can run on a hot Summer day, but that's to be expected. In talking with others, this is rather common. Whether moisturizer or other product can control this, I do not know. But the cosmetician should be aware that a transgendered woman can experience excessive perspiration, under makeup, without regard to temperature, particularly if she is starting out.

Regardless of where she is on the transgender spectrum, the facial canvas is different from that of a born-female. Whether or not electrolysis has been used to remove a beard, she generally has larger pores than a woman. Depending on her life history, she is liable not to have undergone a lifelong regimen of skin care. If she spent her life working out-of-doors exposed to the elements, the damage to her skin may never be fully reversible. At least it may require a different approach.

Beards under makeup can be tricky. Even under a cover cream such as Dermablend®, the bluish overtones of the ends of a heavy beard may show under bright light. Flash photography results can be disastrous. Often, a color corrective cream is recommended under the foundation. Unfortunately, the recommended colors vary with what one reads. I have seen everything from clown white to lavender to orange suggested to neutralize a beard. Also the need for a corrective is more critical for someone with a heavy Richard Nixonesque beard. By early afternoon, such a person may have to strip all her makeup, shave and start over for the coming evening. For others, a lighter beard or white hair in one is a blessing. Only a light electric shaving before the dinner hour, over makeup, followed by an application of pressed powder, might be all that is needed.

Mens lips are thinner. In applying lipliner, one can enlarge the lower lip to female proportions by drawing outside the natural line. However, the shaven stubble of the first beard hairs may be just adjacent. Like minute imperfections on the glossy surface of a brand new automobile, if they are coated, they tend to stand out, despite being freshly shaven.

Certain feminizing treatments to the face should be done with discretion if the result is irreversible. Cinderella may have to return to her male state when the clock strikes midnight. Shaping and waxing of eyebrows or the piercing of ears are obvious examples. If a customer wants these things and circumstances allow you to tell her, make sure she is aware of the consequences.

In dealing with transgendered women, then, you will be encountering some very special human beings. They have been blessed with the opportunity to experience the world from both sides of the gender line. If you are a woman, which is most likely but not necessarily the case, they have much in common with you, much more than you might have thought. You will gain enormous satisfaction in helping these ladies and will be blessed yourself with a heartwarming experience . . . and a gracious, thankful and loyal customer. I know . . . many of you have helped me, for which I am very grateful.