ear achael,

I am a heterosexual male whose wife does not suspect a thing. Ours is not a sexual relationship, I think this has fueled the desire to reach over to my other side. I have harbored these feelings and desires for years. Burt have only been comfortable with them in private. Just like tonight. My wife is out of town for two weeks, and my children are also out. (I'm sure you have heard it all before) I am fairly certain I want to introduce Rachel, but I'm not certain how, and I am not at all comfortable with the probability of losing the relationship. While ours is not sexual, I do love her. We have invested 24 years in our marriage, I do not want to lose it! We have children too, and I am certain they would not accept it all! But do they have to know? I've kept it from everyone this long, certainly I can continue to keep it from them. It's my life I think I want to introduce to Rachael. My fear is that I cannot predict with any certainty the outcome of the encounter. What do you suggest?

Rachel

ear Readers:

This was my first answer: "Well hello, Rachel! It was good to hear from you. You were right. I have heard all of this before in varying shades and forms. Heck, I could have written some of it not too long ago; some still applies to me.

I have already gone through the "outing" at home, relatives (most of them) and most recently, at work. I have been very fortunate in that most have accepted openly. My 26 year old daughter and 27 old step son know and don't seem to mind (Step son is starting to make snide remarks to "mom."). My former wife did mind a lot, although she tried. There was a lot wrong with that marriage before she found out and it was a two way street. Why I thought "telling" would fix things, I don't know. That was 8 years ago. I am remarried and we, too, have a unique relationship. I call it love, too as does she! Others would argue, I am sure. But, alas, heck, to them!

My current spouse accepts Rachael but does not want a full time, live in, girl friend! Secretly, I know that is what she has no matter what my attire is. So does my psychiatrist. I am enjoying my life as Rachael an spend a great deal of time living as I want. We enjoy good times together and travel quite a bit. For the moment things are great. Nothing is forever, though I wish it were! I woul like to be wrong here.

I am talking too much about me. What should you do, how to do it, when to do it, really depends on your relationships now and your pain tolerance. Usually the best way to proceed is to go slowly. Don't materialize in front of them as the Queen of Shiba. Talk about it first and for a long time. Let the questions flow and the answers come from heart. Counseling may be advisable and I recommend it, maybe for you, alone, first; chose a gender counselor, if possible.

Tell me more about yourself . . . can you pass? Do you venture out in the world? What part of the world are you from? Are folks liberal about such behavior in your area? Your job/profession? What will your boss say, should he find o ut? Will you face loss of job? Can you financially stand a divorce ( Terrible question )? Any more specific questions?"

y name-sake responded:

Thanks for your response. I didn't know what to expect when I wrote you; however, your reflections and thoughts are appreciated. I agree with your advice to. . . go slowly. Talk about it for a long time and let answers come from the heart . . ."

I'm sure you will understand that talking about it will be most difficult since I haven't a clue how to introduce, or address the subject. I have not considered counseling, however, I have contacted a local support group known as Alpha Zeta. Are you aware of this group? They have supplied me with a hot line number which I have attempted to call through on. When I called, the lady who answered had no knowledge of Alpha Zeta. Much to my surprise I had dialed a private residence! That's embarrassing! I promptly E-mailed A.Z. to inform them of their error. Just before sitting down to write this message I received an apology and another number. They had transposed the last four digits. I wonder if they got it right this time? What do you think . . . shall I call again? (Yes)

I will answer your questions directly and thoroughly . . .

Q - Can you pass?

A - I suppose that is a matter of opinion. I am mostly satisfied with Rachel when she is out of the box. (that felt strange to write) Mostly equates to: almost, incomplete, not quite 100%,. . . you get the message?

It's that most outwardly feminine characteristic which eludes me . . . my attempt at breast forms. Padded bras, foam rubber, balloons; these do not present well at all for me. I do not know where to go or what to do to satisfy this shortcoming. Mail order is out of the question. At this time I cannot allow anything suspect to arrive which could be intercepted. I have only recently (this week actually) begun researching sources. As a matter of fact I bought my first wig this past Monday afternoon while driving through downtown. I saw a wig outlet store sign and impulsively pulled in. After I got back into my car, I was shocked at what I had just done. Heretofore, I have styled my own hair to accentuate "Rachael" ( my hair is cut a conservative, short, business professional style.) I have been experimenting with make-up for years. I have read, studio photos, and made enough mistakes that I am satisfied with Rachel's make-up. Rachel does not have depth in clothing. Mostly she "borrows" from the other feminine soul in this household. (without their knowledge). Physically, I stand 6'0' and weigh in at 165lb firm. I am trim, and toned because I take care of myself, working out regularly. My job demands good mental and physical condition.

y response? You are driven! The fact that you got out your car, went into a store and bought a wig, tells me this! Good for you. That took a lot of . . . . courage (not balls-smile). We all want size "DD" forms whene we start out . . . guess to make up for lost time. Star small, "B" or "C" cup and you will look more natural. Get a Post Office Box, hon. The you can receive goodies without fear.

y name-sake continued:

Q - Do you venture out into the world?

A - No. . . Only out of a box when I can "safely" do so. Occasionally, I have stepped out onto the back patio in the evenings when alone and secure, and sat under the night sky pondering many worldly, scientific and philosophical thoughts.

y response: You must get out! You may never feel comfortable! But, with exposer it will get easier. Go for a drive. Go to a shopping Mall, walk up to the door and return to your car. Take baby steps!

y name-sake continued:

Q - Are folks liberal about such behavior in your area?

A - I do not know the answer to this question. I have never ventured out to know. However, I have sought out a local support group and will find out. I suspect the answer to your question is no, else, why a local support group. {I am curious why you chose "behavior" in your question. In your opinion, is this "desire" abnormal and as such classified a "behavior?" Or is it a societal "issue?"}.

y Response: Your answer of "no" to liberal folks is off target . The real issue for support groups is to get you to ACCEPT YOURSELF! You might be surprised how liberal you community is... You caught me in the ëbehavior question! No the right answer is that, while it is not the norm, it is not a psychological problem . . . it is a life belief and life style and both.

y name-sake responded:

Q - Your job/profession?

A - Plant Manager.

y response: "Well hon, I am a Police Administrator and I know of Judges, CEOs, Lawyers, other Cops and Fireman, Engineers, ad nauseam who are members of our flock! You are not alone! We can be a classy lot!"

y name-sake continued:

Q - Will you face loss of job?

A - In Manager's school, when the obvious answer to a question was asked, the response is: "Do the math"

y response: "Then be careful. Be prepared. Take notes and have alternatives . . . ëcause this will catch up with you!"

y name-sake continued:

Q - Can you financially stand divorce?

A - With all due respect; Can any middle to upper-middle class American stand divorce? If all there was to it was a parting of ways . . .yes. However, I strongly doubt it would be that simple. Therefore, no.

y response: "It would be both physical, emotional and financial pain like you CAN imagine. now; I know because I have been there and done that. When all is said and done, you will survive! The freedom that it gives you will help to erase a lot of the pain over time! Is it worth it? Opinion . . . YES, if it is necessary!"

y name-sake continued:

I have not shared anything with anybody for more than 30 years. I feel . . "pleasantly strange". Odd expression isn't it? Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me. Only the best on your journey. Rachel

his has given me more time than ever to let Rachel out of her box.

After leaving the airport Saturday, I came home and transformed into Rachel. Then, when I was satisfied it was dark enough to leave the neighborhood undetected, about 9:30 PM, I took her for a ride around the city. I admit it was a nervous experience leaving the house. (Fear of being observed, even in the dark.) After leaving the neighborhood I stopped the car at a little park just a few blocks from home. On the dark side of the park, I opened the car door, and put a leg out. I just sat there a moment, and then gathered up the courage and stepped out. It was dark, and I don't believe anybody could have recognized me without getting really close. There were only a few "kids" out, so I didn't fear them.

Then, I decided I needed to fuel the car. So . . . I drove to an Exxon station and stepped out under the lighted canopy and fueled my car. I choose this station because I could use my credit card from the pump, and I would not have to go inside to get the receipt. Now here's where nerve took over. Rather than just standing there, I decided to walk around the car. I looked straight at other men as they pulled up and even said hello to one. I left, and went downtown Tempe and drove through College town. The traffic was much heavier than I expected. We just inched along the drive, and I couldn't help wonder the thoughts of people as they drove next to me, and the people on the sidewalks looking at all the cars.

Then it was off to downtown Phoenix. Late night Saturday, and the area was alive with people. I drove around for awhile and wondered if I could "pass" from a little closer than a gas pump, or in the relative "safety" of my car. So, I saw two young ladies, (I guess they were ladies, they could have been CD like me) and pulled over to ask directions to the interstate from that location. (like I didn't know) I was amazed that the two of them approached the car and gave me the directions I sought. We couldn't have been more than six feet apart, on a well lighted street in downtown Phoenix. As I drove away, I recalled your advice to "go slow". I decided it was time to return home. However, on the way, I passed by a shopping center, mostly closed for the evening except for a grill and bar nite spot on the far corner. Guess what I did? . . . no I did not go to the bar, I'm not that kind of "girl." ( that seems strange . . . "girl", but I'm a guy)

Anyway, I parked the car and stepped out onto a deserted parking lot, and walked from one end of the mall to the other just "window shopping" and noticing if anyone noticed me via the reflection in the window. With my back and profile to passing traffic, I was not threatened. Then I returned home, only to find my next door neighbor was sitting on his front porch! Nuts, I had to drive around for awhile until he went in. I was exhilarated!

In the service, my job was to enter enemy territory to gather intelligence, while in camies and undetected; It was not near the thrill of this adventure. This experience has made me wonder how many other "girls" out there are really guys experiencing the thrill of illusion. Now when I am out as me, not Rachael, I will scrutinize the "ladies" more closely.

Revisiting the thoughts about support groups, I suppose you are right. Not having been involved with a support group, I never thought much about its purpose. I suppose it is a good thing to be able to relate to others with common interests. While we do not know one another beyond the screens we read, I am finding a comfort level communicating with you. Could it be because of the anonymity? Or is it that I find in you (this media) the "support" I must be seeking? I have not called the local support group I mentioned before, I am hesitant because I do not know how to address the topic, and I am reluctant to share anything beyond our screens at this time. Again, you have offered insight on a topic about which I obviously know very little.

To complicate matters, I am being transferred to the Southwest, to a small rural setting with old fashion standards. You know, the kind we were raised with. Exploring Rachel will become more difficult, as close-knit communities tend to know every body's business. Now what? I have four weeks to work between two sites, and relocate. I don't know when Rachel will "flower" again.

Thanks for "listening" I suppose you know how important it is, as is evident from your thoughts about the support group.

ell Readers, what to you think? My guess is that she will not keep Rachel in to closet; there is just too much joy there. Oh, and by the way, there are support groups where she is going. If she mustered up the courage to do what she has done, contacting a support group will be a piece of cake . . . the best one of her life!

Best to Rachel . . . keep in touch! Rachael

ear Rachael:

I am an elderly closeted tv who now lives alone (widowed). I am not sure if I would actually like to live with someone but certainly in a condominium complex or same neighborhood for sure!!! I am heterosexual and never had a homosexual experience but I have certainly thought about playing the role of a woman, dressed naturally, in a sexual situation. I would do so if the opportunity presented itself. I would love to have someone to talk to and instruct me in makeup, etc. thus primarily MtF, although I can see how FtM friend might make for a much more instructive friendship for each.

Off the subject, I would like to see you deal in a column with the issue of older (50+) tvs. Where to they go, what do they do, what are their problems? It is probably too late in life for me to begin anew but I certainly have thought of playing the role of elder sister or mother or even grandmother to young tvs of both persuasions. Since my knowledge of makeup etc. is limited this would primarily be of older nurturing friend.

Thanks, Debbi

Dear Debbi:

I have an intuition (a woman's prerogative-smile) that there are a lot of us out here that hate the thought of living alone, want to live as a woman, not necessarily as a lesbian, but fear entering a relationship with another of our persuasion. The fear is associated with the fact that we don't want to be taken advantage of financially or emotionally as we are secure in our own right and don't want to commit to a homosexual or lesbian relationship; we just want to live among others like us as friends, albeit sole-mates! I suspect that if there were such a place in the world, many of us would gravitate there, with shared expenses, companionship and fondness . . . even at the expense of present relationships! That's a hard question, I know. If my woman's intuition is wrong, so be it; if it is right, why can't we orchestrate it? So, this is an inquiry of interest, desire and depth of interest. Readers?

What do older Tvs/TSs/TGs do? Hon, I am 58 years young, never looked so beautiful (mind's eye) write for this forum, have hosted a hot line for the likes of us for two years, been a representative in the "Gay Day Parade," have made the speaking circuit as Rachael at College and University Social Science, Sociology and Counseling classes, came out at home, at work, belong to an active, advocacy, legal group . . . . you talk about a run-on sentence . . . let me stop!. Answer is, the world is yours . . . pick and choose! As to where to go? Go where your heart takes you. Check this forum, for lots of places.

Love to you,

Rachael