ear achael,

I feel like I've lost control.

Ever since I was about ten I've been dressing in women's clothes. I'm now 35. It started with a corset my mother had. I used to love wearing that corset and stockings and her knee-high boots that didn't quite fit. I would wear them under my clothes as I got older. I would masturbate wearing them. Afterwards I felt ashamed. Through the years it has been on again- off again. Sometimes I would go months not wearing women's clothes. Right now, it's on again. As I am writing this I am wearing a corset, stockings, 4-inch heels, a mini-skirt and silk blouse. My problem is...there are a number of problems.

I'm married, 10 years. I have kids who I love more than anything. My wife doesn't know I still cross-dress. It turns her "off". She gets very upset when I do. I'd love to make love to her wearing high heels and stockings. But she won't go for it. We get along fine, our love life is very good. But I find myself yearning to dress up completely like a woman and have sex with a transsexual or even a woman. I also feel I have this need to know what it is like to have breasts. I would love to feel real breasts harnessed by a bra. I have a dozen TV movies. My favorite is Stasha. Masturbating while wearing my outfit doesn't seem like enough anymore. After I masturbate, all these feelings go away for a while. Usually a few days, sometimes longer. Is all this just a fetish? I have had a recurring dream of my wife in thigh high leather boots and a large strap-on doing me in the rear but she will never go for it. I would love to share this with her. Sometimes I feel I am all alone. I would love to hear from you.

Dear BT:

Welcome to the crowd of Transvestites and Cross-dressers! No you are not weird ( or at least no more weird than other people in their own ways ). Being turned on while being dressed is quite common as is the diminishing of that feeling as time marches on in life. Fantasizing about being made love to as a woman is also very common among Tvs.

These feelings will not go away and there is a likelihood that they will become stronger and more frequent as you get older. This is often the case. If you try to bury these feelings you will make yourself miserable as well as the people around you. But what to do? Your wife must have known at one point, but does not think you still do it? Nonetheless, she wants no part of it, you say. What can you do? Sneak around as you are presently do is okay until you get caught by your wife. Then you will find yourself dealing with lying, betrayal and trust issues along with her fear of you becoming a woman and embarrassing her. You have to be prepared for this. Is there another way? You bet! Guarantees? No!

First, get yourself to a gender counselor. You have to have a very strong emotional base and develop acceptance of yourself before you can expect others to accept you. Work with your counselor on how to fold your wife into the loop . . . yes, at some point get her to join you in counseling, if she will. Perhaps, in time, she will grow to understand the phenomenon and not fear it; heck, she may even grow to accept it. But be prepared, she may never accept it and may reject you, eventually. One last piece of advice . . . go slow, don't push this on her too fast. Good lick hon.

Rachael

ear Rachael:

I have been cross-dressing since I was about 13, I played with female hormones in my early twenties and now I am 32 and married I told my wife years before we got married and she accepted it but now I have to hide behind her back for fear of losing her. My psychiatrist thinks I am bisexual. Some times I have urges but have never gone through with them and this is eating me up in side. I don't no what to do. I love every thing feminine.

Jamie

Dear Jamie:

You say , "My psychiatrist thinks I am bisexual." What do you think? This is critical issue that you must come to grips with. How you identify yourself will determine what courses you will take in your journey in life. You could be bisexual, transsexual or a cross-dresser. Keep going to that or another psychiatrist until you are comfortable with yourself.

Beyond that, I can offer little advice. Your wife may grow to accept cross- dressing, but not you being bisexual or transsexual. Maybe she will (see the answer to BT above). Keep doing what you are doing . . .getting help, that is.....

Rachael

ear Rachael:

I'm about to get married (July 26) and I'd like for my fiancee to be more educated in the area of heterosexual transvestites. She's known I'm a cross-dresser since the 3rd week we've been dating, but I'd like to find some resources that perhaps we both could learn from. Any info you might pass along would be helpful.

Roxanne

Dear Roxanne:

Of course you can find books advertised on the subject here on the various Transgendered forums. It will probably be difficult to find good sources in the public libraries even if you find them listed in automated or manual alpha files; they tend to get stolen. One good source is IFGE (International Federation for Gender Education). You can send a message to their book store at E-mail address, IFGE@WORLD.STD.COM

While reading is one way to learn and I definitely recommend it, why not go to a counselor skilled in the subject? Love can be blinding and your fiance may be saying "okay" not knowing the extent to which you do it, what you look like, what are you going to do when kids come along or where this is all going. Maybe she thinks that she/marriage will "cure" you. This could save you a lot of heartache down the road.

Rachael

ear Rachael:

I am a new TG (just coming out). I recently told my wife who took it hard, but is willing to stick by me provided I get therapy. What is very difficult for me to deal with now is my job. You see, I am a cop. The thought of what my peers may think of me, terrifies me.

I am 37 years old and have been in law enforcement for nearly 16 years. I have 12 more years to retire. I can't just up and leave, yet, my job's expectations conflict with my femme feelings. If you have any words of wisdom, I sure would like to hear them. Thanks, "Jessie"

Dear Jessie:

Jessie . . . . get therapy? Why? Yes, yes, I always advocate that, but if it done to be "cured" it will probably be a waste of time. If it is done to help yourself ( and your wife ) deal with it . . . bravo. Your wife may leave you . . . chances are she will!

So you are a Cop. Great! I have known many TV, TS, TG folks who are Cops or Deputy Sheriffs. In fact, it has been estimated that one in ten males have some TV tendencies; however, only about one person in 37,000 goes all the way to pre-op or post op SRS. I know and have known some judges, attorneys and the list of professionals goes on, ad nauseam! Heck, it is even suspected that FDR, Nixon and J. Edgar Hoover enjoyed a feminine foray now and then.

Coming out at work . . . ? Wow, that is a tough one to advise on. It depends so much on your and your Law Enforcement Agency. Does it actively support sexual and cultural diversity within the ranks? What's its track record? Are there Gay cops, Lesbian cops; if so, how are they treated? Is your boss liberally inclined. Are you respected now? Include your peers in that thought; it is not fun to be alone.

Guaranteed that no matter how supported you are in your alternative life style, there will be some "red neck" or homophobic idiots around (or you will imagine there are). You will have to be on bedrock in your acceptance of who you really are . . . unfalteringly so! So, you're seeing, a counselor can get you there. You must be ready to be your own advocate without embarrassment or shame.

Bottom line though is why come out now? What would you gain? You have lots to do and a lot of time to do the things you must to be ready. Here is another support group that you may wish to contact- There is another organization out there called (Transgender Officers Protect and Serve- TOPS). I used to recommend this organization as a resource for those transgendered individuals who are in public service, however, I have had no response to my numerous inquiries to that organization. I do offer it up as maybe you will have better luck than I. You can find it with any good web search engine.

Best wishes, hon.

Rachael

ear Rachael:

I am a young a TG (25) looking for as much advice as I can! I am in the closet and its making me miserable! I look up to people like yourself who have the courage to believe and be who they are. If you have any advice, I would appreciate it, including the steps you took to get where you are today -- thanks in advance

Marcia

Dear Marcia:

You would not want to take the steps that I took. For one thing you would fight your sense of self until you were in you 40s. You wouldn't come out until you were 50. And because you denied yourself for all those years, you will have been very uptight, austere and considered "distant."

So see, hon, you are far ahead of me when I was your age. It is true, society is far more tolerant now than they were way back when; but don't be fooled . . .no one is waiting for you to come out with open arms. You will experience some negativism. You will also enjoy a great deal of happiness too.

Knowledge is "King" here. Read all that you can get your hands on, join a support group in your area, correspond with a TV, TG, TS pen pal. Explore this forum as well as others that are germane to your issues, buy female clothes, makeup and experiment in your home (take lots of pictures of yourself so you can be critical). Have a friend or support group help you. Sign up with a gender counselor to help you through all of that and most importantly to help you accept yourself as you mean yourself to be. Rachael

ear Rachael:

I received your response last week. Thank you. One more question, though; perhaps I should elaborate on my last letter.

For the past 8 months or so, I've had an incessant neurosis, which I have not been able to explain until last week. I'm extremely neurotic, to the point where I chew my fingernails until they bleed, and then chew all the skin around them. This has been with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and is growing more intense. I found that when I dress completely as a woman, it goes away by about 80%. My therapist says this is because of the conflict with my female gender and my male body. I currently have no stress in my life, other than this, but if I do get external stress, it causes me to become psychotic. The only relief is to become more feminine. After only 3 hours of looking male, I'm pulling my hair out. I keep my arms and legs shaved, but it only helps a little bit. I really think in the future I'll go through SRS (currently I'm not married, nor have a girlfriend, and I've been planning to drop my job in a few years anyway--engineering is not really my field), however I was wondering if you have some tips I could try just to keep my sanity in the meantime.

Christina

Dear Christina:

Your therapist is right, believe her. Stress, imagined or real tends to make some, if not all, us want to "fluff out." But this is a far cry from going SRS. Keep seeing your therapist. Don't think for a moment that becoming a woman eliminates stress from your life . . . there will be lot of stress because that is what life is made of. Wouldn't be a shame to have a sex change and find that you still bite your nails- horrors . . . smile! Also, think twice before giving up a good job. Becoming a woman is an expensive proposition.

Rachael

ear Rachael:

Its nice to see a mature cross dresser with guts like yours. I am 62 have been dressing since I was 10 but don't think I make an attractive woman, Although in my fantasies I am a young pretty girl.

We love to get a correspondence going with you. I think I could learn a lot.

Marti

Dear Marti:

Mature? Okay, and thank you. Me, guts? Sometimes I quake in my heels, but manage to put up a brave front. Confidence in who I am? You bet, but it took a long time to get here. Correspond with you? I love the idea of sharing thoughts with you; that's why I am here. So please tell me more about yourself.

Rachael