Dear Miss Manners:

I am a member of a support group for transgendered people. Our members include cross-dressers, transsexuals, and their families. We occasionally go out in public as a group and have been well treated by those who serve us as well as members of the general public. There is one point of awkwardness: most people are unsure of how to address someone whose gender presentation is opposite to their birth sex. "Do I call you sir because you have the physical appearance of being male or do I call you madam because you are wearing a dress?"

Please inform your readers that we strongly prefer madam. There are several reasons: Transgendered people have highly developed personalities in their adopted gender, which they cherish. Moreover, many transsexuals are unhappy in their birth sex role and dislike being reminded of their situation. Many of us try to "pass" as women, but not all of us succeed due to our physical limitations.

Although less common, there are many women who choose to present themselves as men. They would prefer to be called sir for the same reasons.

I have not seen this point discussed before and I know that the ambiguity makes people uncomfortable. You can help greatly by enlightening your readers.

Sincerely,

Jamie Faye Fenton

P.S. I help operate an Internet newsletter for transgendered people and would be glad to answer any questions you may have. Our URL is: http://www.3dcom.com/tgf/

Jamie Fenton
jamie@tgforum.com