HO, HO, Hello, darlings! Welcome to more shopping fun and frolic with yours truly! I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving, and that you didn't eat too much turkey with all the trimmings! After all, it's important for all of my loyal fans to maintain your girlish figures!

Now that December's here, I'm sure you're all anxious to hit the stores and buy to your heart's content for Christmas, I know I am, and that brings up an interesting topic in regards to shopping: the guise you shop in. Between my duties with Renaissance and my regular job, though home based, I'm kept pretty busy, so busy that I don't have time to dress and go out as much as I would like.

Because of these time constraints, I do virtually all my femme shopping while in my evil male persona. While this is nowhere near as thrilling or satisfying as hitting the stores dressed, I find that this does have it's entertaining moments. That comes from the reactions I tend to get when I'm walking through the woman's area of a department store, reactions usually of confusion and/or surprise.

Even though we're supposedly living in an enlightened age, people still perceive it to be unusual when a man is seen looking at dresses and even (GASP!) underwear!!! I can only guess this has a lot to do with a certain stigma attached to how strange this sort of activity is supposed to be. Never mind that it's commonplace nowadays for husbands or boyfriends to shop for wives or girlfriends. As I've said, shopping for women's clothes in my male guise is entertaining as I love to gauge the reactions I get from people.

My all time favorite example happened once when I was in a Sears store checking out a sale they were having. While thumbing th rough a rack of dresses, I happened to glance over my shoulder and noticed a gray haired old lady eyeing me rather suspiciously, like I was going to boost something. I didn't pay her much attention and went about my business. When I walked over to another area to check out some skirts, I noticed that the old lady had followed me, that suspicious look still on her face. Again, I didn't pay her much mind and wandered over to another area, only to find the old lady was still following me. Needless to say, it was strange to the Nth degree.

Bored with the routine, I walked over to another rack that sported party dresses, waited until my elderly shadow was near, then I picked out a red sequined number, whirled around, held it up to me and said to the lady in a loud voice: "Well? What do you think?" The old lady's mouth fell open and eyes bulged impossibly wide, like I had turned into Frankenstein's monster, then she wheeled and all but ran off!

That's one of the more humorous moments. On one recent occasion, I was in a Victoria's Secret store checking out an underwear sale they were having (I'm on their mailing list, so I get all their catalogs!) when, out of nowhere, a bratty looking little girl, no more than five of six shouted to her mother at the very top of her lungs: "Look, Mommy! There's a man in the ladies' undies!"

Normally, I don't care what people say or think when they see me shopping, but on this occasion, my veneer of apathy shattered like glass when that little girl opened her big mouth. Worse, she wouldn't shut up about me. For once, I felt terribly uncomfortable, like I was in a place where I didn't belong. I wound up leaving after everyone focused on me. Can you imagine how mortified I would've been if I'd been dressed?

This, is just the sort thing we all have to face when shopping in our male guise. Granted, that incident with the little girl was more a freak occurrence than anything else. More often than not, I've bought everything from soup to nuts in regards to women's wear and never had anyone so much as bat an eyelash. To balance things out, I've also had great experiences as well.

Case in point: Back in May of 1994, on the afternoon of the monthly meeting of the Greater Philadelphia chapter of Renaissance, when I arrived at the motel I was staying at and unpacked, I discovered, much to my horror that I packed everything I needed for my night of feminine fun save for one key item----my outfit! I had my wig, shoes, hosiery, underwear, cosmetics, jewelry, toiletries, but no outfit!

Instead of panicking, I hopped in my car and drove over to the nearby King of Prussia Mall and made a beeline to Penney's for some impromptu shopping. The outfit I chose was a sharp purple pin-striped suit that was on sale and knew would look great on me. But I had trouble deciding on what sort of top to wear with it. Undaunted, I walked up to a nearby salesperson and asked for assistance.

When the saleslady asked what color shoes "she" would be wearing (No doubt assuming my purchase was for a lady friend), I told her matter of factly that MY shoes are white and the suit was for me. Without missing a beat, the saleslady directed me to a rack of tops and picked out a nice white silk shell that was perfect. After ringing up my purchase, the saleslady gave me a smile and said she hoped I'd enjoy the suit. And I did.

By being honest, I was given just the right kind of help I needed to make my purchase a rewarding one. The saleslady didn't look at me as if I was some sort of pervert, she saw me as a consumer, willing to spend good money on a given product. And since I wound up spending close to one hundred dollars, she no doubt got herself a decent commission on the sale, and that's all salespeople are interested in. As I mentioned in my first column here in September, one of the keys to a successful shopping trip, whether you're dressed or not is to look, feel and act calm and comfortable at all times. Being tense or nervous will get you nothing except curious and/or suspicious stares from people (Including the store's Loss Prevention staff with their hidden cameras) wondering just what that jittery guy is up to in the women's department.

I know self-consciousness can be a big problem here, especially to newcomers fresh out of the closet and wanting to build a wardrobe. However, since you have no control over what people are going to think about what you're doing, or, in the case of that wretched little girl, say to you, you might as well go about your business, try to make it fun, as shopping's supposed to be and you'll be fine.

Well, ladies, that's it for 1997. May your Christmas holiday be merry and bright, and be sure not to drink too much egg nog on New Year's Eve! Of course, if you have any comments about this column, or if you have some shopping tales of your own, I can be reached at treetop@voicenet.com. Until next year, shop not just with your heart, but with your head!

If you have any comments about this column, or if you want to share some shopping tips with me, I can be reached at treetop@voicenet.com. And before I forget, have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Until next month, shop not just with your heart, but with your head!