How Does That Feel?

By Jami Ward

I sometimes have had people ask me what it feels like to be transgendered. Initially, that question struck me as a rather stupid one, rather on a par with asking what it feels like to have brown eyes. I didn't have any idea of how to answer a question like that. I came to realize two things about their question, however. First, just the asking of the question indicated a genuine interest in finding out more about me and/or transgenderism. Second, the question isn't stupid, just ignorant. And because ignorance is not stupidity, I could do something to rectify the former condition when they expressed a desire for me to do so.

In order to better acquaint others with my transgenderism, however, I really needed to explore just exactly how my transgenderism DID feel to me. Then I had to put it in terms that they could relate to. Both of those were hard for me to do, but I think I managed to do it -- at least from my perspective. I now tell folks who ask that being transgendered feels like looking in a strange mirror and feeling hungry. Let me explain:

I first ask the questioner to imagine that every now and then, unexpectedly, the image that they see in a mirror is distorted - sometimes grossly, like a fun house mirror and sometimes subtly, like the lighting is different - so that what they see is not what they expected to see. That's what it's like to not present myself as my true gender because that gender doesn't match my sex. The image in the mirror sometimes is not the image in the mind.

I then go on to explain that that mental/physical dissonance is like being hungry. Going without food causes hunger, a yearning for food. Likewise, going without some expression of true gender can cause a yearning for it very similar to hunger, although on a different time scale. Just as one can go for a prolonged period without any food simply through an exertion of will, I can go for a prolonged period without expressing my gender. But sooner or later, one must eat, and sooner or later, I must express my gender. Snacking will forestall hunger and having to eat a complete meal, but doesn't completely remove the desire or the need for one.

Small indulgences in femininity, like plucked eyebrows or shaved legs, likewise can forestall a complete immersion in femininity, but don't completely eliminate that desire, either. When one finally does sit down to eat, even if famished, one can control the consumption of food. It's not a situation where the hunger is completely in control, but it is a need that must be satisfied. And just as different people have different appetites and tastes in food, transgendered folks range over the whole spectrum in terms of what constitutes the complete expression of gender, from dressing occasionally to living full time to SRS. Finally, when the meal is consumed and hunger is gone, one feels satisfied, full, and even complete. In my case, expressing my true gender makes me feel all those things, but I also tell others that it just feels right to me. The image in the mirror and the image in the mind now match up.

Have a merry and a happy!

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