Embarrassment & Shame

By Gianna E. Israel
©1997 Gianna E. Israel

It starts with a sense of uncertainty and can grow exponentially into a major debilitating attack of self-doubt. When we feel embarrassed we actually feel shamed. Often these feelings are associated with a variety of assumptions as well as facts about our appearance or activities, and others perceptions of us.

There are a variety of situations which can make us uncomfortable at times, such as being addressed with the wrong pronoun. Or, we may wonder if we are being stared at or treated differently because others notice our transgenderness. The fact is, sometimes our assumptions are true. After all, at times transgender men and women look different than non-transgender persons. Yet, on the other hand, sometimes a person may only be admiring our appearance and could care less about our gender identity. Or, occasionally, the person who incorrectly addresses us may simply do so because they unfamiliar with gender issues.

Embarrassment and shame are interesting because these types of reactions and feelings can be intense, often bringing quick rise to other feelings and responses. Many a transsexual is familiar with the uncomfortable feeling he or she is being stared at because they appear different, and then have those suspicions confirmed when addressed incorrectly. In a matter of moments those sinking feelings of self-doubt can be transformed into anger, tears and even a depressing state of resignation. Now, for the positive news. With some practice, it becomes fairly easy for people to identify what types of situations cause shameful feelings. This is particularly so when embarrassing situations and feelings become repetitive, and a persistent pattern is noticeable.

Once patterns are recognized, an individual can then decide if the energy they are expressing during embarrassing situations is productive. Sometimes our reactions to incidental situations can be productive. For example, a momentary feeling of discomfort can easily be set aside by remembering that we are prone to human error, such as when we accidentally spill a glass of water. In this circumstance shame helps keep us from making the same mistake twice. There are however other times when being embarrassed or shamed feelings are not productive. This would be so when these feelings prevent us from engaging in activities or interactions with people we might otherwise consider routine. If this is so with you, then you can start changing your reactions by first asking yourself questions about how you respond to embarrassing situations.

Why do you think you feel shamed? Does your reactions remind you of past experiences? Can you give yourself permission to acknowledge that a situation is embarrassing, and then move forward and deal with the actual situation from a place of distance? How have you dealt with similar feelings in the past? Which responses were successful, and unsuccessful?

Also, do not hesitate to ask questions about the actual situations which cause you embarrassment. Sometimes these situations have nothing to do with you personally, and everything to do with the other person or actual situation. Are you being treated any different than a non-transgender person would be treated? Does the situation really warrant your attention and energy? Is the person who called you a wrong pronoun being vindictive? Or, do you sense that others may simply not be aware of transgender peoples needs?

Are you doing anything wrong by being who you are and carrying out your activities? This is the most important question you can ask. Regrettably, far to many transgender men and women believe themselves to be medically diseased, mentally disordered or plain old-fashioned, socially-unacceptable. These notions are based on outdated facts, and no man or woman need be ashamed for having a transgender identity or needs.

For persons in the process of "coming-out," and especially those beginning full-time transition, dealing with embarrassment and shame issues can seem a monumental task. My advice, save yourself a great deal of time and wasted energy by getting over it as quickly as possible. And, do not under any circumstance, allow another person to abuse, discriminate or take advantage of the fact you are different. Expressing your gender identification is a natural growth process, and going about your day-to-day activities is your right as much as anyone elses.

If you find that patterns of embarrassment and shame prevent you from doing the things you want, and you are not able to resolve these issues on your own. Seek professional counseling assistance or introduce the issue as a topic of discussion at your local support group. However, when seeking professional assistance, clearly indicate to the careprovider what you wish to focus on, and do not allow the careprovider to distract you from your goals by reintroducing gender materials you have already resolved. The best way to confront issues of embarrassment and shame is to confront the issue head on, and resolve it as soon as conveniently possible so that your day-to- day activities are not unnecessarily interrupted.