Joe & Bill's Excellent Adventure

By Leah MacLean

This is the city. It's a city a lot like any other large Midwestern city. A lot of people live here. Some of them behave themselves; some don't. Regardless of any anti-social tendencies any one of them may have, they get hungry. That's where I come in. I carry a pizza.

April 19^th 1930 hours: My partner Bill and I were working the evening shift. That's when the call came in. The man's voice at the other end sounded confused, hesitant and he had an odd name for a guy. "What's the name again?" I asked, wanting to be sure to get it right. "Leah," was again the response. "And you wanted a large hand tossed Super Supreme?" He said, "Yes, I want a large hand tossed Super Supreme." I looked at Bill sitting across from me, he was in a daze. "What was the address?" I asked, wondering if this wasn't some sort of twisted, demented juvenile prank so typical of today's modern culture. "1715 Leavenworth" was the response. "'That's what I thought," I replied. I knew that part of town. It was an area that a pizza delivery guy didn't want to get caught alone in. We were going to have to move and move fast. Soon the aforementioned Super Supreme pizza was ready; the ace oven crew was doing their usual outstanding job in the best traditions of Pizza Hut. Bill had the delivery vehicle ready for my use as soon as I arrived at the predetermined departure area of Pizza Hut Delivery Headquarters. I checked with the Shift Supervisor, Captain Keeshan, before I left for any last minute instructions. "Any last minute instructions Captain Keeshan?" I asked. He replied, "No." Bill handed me the self-contained pizza delivery system currently housing the aforementioned large hand tossed Super Supreme pizza. The self contained pizza delivery system was designed and built by the hard working men and women in Pizza Hut R+D for the betterment of all mankind regardless of color, creed or religion. Bill and I again went over the radio frequencies that he would be monitoring while I was enroute to make the delivery. We agreed upon 92.3 FM, more commonly known as "Z92." "Joe...be careful out there," Bill told me, with genuine concern in his voice. I thanked him for his genuine concern and took command of the delivery vehicle

April 19^th 1958 hours: After giving the delivery vehicle a thorough going over to verify its roadworthiness, I rolled out into traffic. The Pizza Hut Delivery vehicle is a true technological wonder, revolutionary in design. Each and every part of it was designed for one thing and one thing only: To get that pizza there on time and in palatable condition. To the untrained civilian eye, the vehicle is unremarkable in appearance. Only a professional pizza delivery person can fully appreciate the vehicle's numerous features. (With the possible exception of the excellent but relatively obscure Yugoslavian "Droozbeck" vehicle (NATO code name "ditch weasel"), there is no better delivery vehicle design available anywhere in the world today.) None of this would be possible without the dedicated efforts of the hard working men and women of Pizza Hut R+D. I wasn't sure what I was getting into to, but mister let me tell you I was ready for anything. The delivery vehicle performed in its usual exemplary manner and I was soon at the address indicated on the delivery ticket. I didn't like the looks of things. I wished Bill were here instead of me.

April 19^th 2010 hours: I opened the door on the delivery vehicle and stepped out onto the street. It was a street much like any other street. I proceeded to the rear of the delivery vehicle in order to obtain the large hand tossed Super Supreme pizza as ordered by this "Leah" person. After I procured said pizza, I made my way to the front of the building. Cautiously, I entered the dark, smoky interior that was throbbing to the heavy bass of some primitive form of music that some dare to call music. After catching the attention of the bartender, a nice friendly young man, I asked him where I could find this individual named Leah. He pointed to the end of the bar where three ladies sat. They appeared to be engaged in a lively discussion amongst themselves. I carefully made my way to the trio, making mental note of any behavioral incongruities that I might observe. They watched me with a certain delight as I approached them. This is typical behavior of hungry females in my experience. However, as I grew nearer, I could feel that something wasn't right. My sixth sense told me that something here was amiss...none of them were. It also told me to take the money and get the hell out of there. I quickly handed them the pizza and collected the money. (They were generous tippers incidentally.) I wasted no time making my exit. The delivery vehicle was where I had left it. I fired that mother up and returned to Pizza Hut Delivery headquarters as expeditiously as possible, being careful to observe all traffic laws while enroute.

April 19^th 2048 hours: I returned to the ready room where Bill was awaiting my return. After a brief chat with Bill, we decided that I should file a report immediately with Captain Keeshan. Bill and I both walked down the cheerfully lit and immaculately clean hallways that are a testament to the hard working men and women in the janitorial services of Pizza Hut to Captain Keeshan's office. I knocked on the ornately decorated office door. A gruff "enter" issued from within. It was the kind of response one expects from a man who didn't wish to be bothered. "Captain, could I have a word with you?" He looked up from his usual heavy workload of paperwork and nodded. "Captain, we think you should know about that delivery I had to make tonight to that bar on Leavenworth. Captain Keeshan looked puzzled and asked what had happened to make us feel that way. "Why nothing Captain. Nothing really happened," I replied. "They tipped well...five bucks." "So what's the problem then Joe?" he asked. "Well, for one thing, I don't think the girl that made the order was a girl." I stammered. "And furthermore, do you think it's legal to order pizzas while crossdressed in the state of Nebraska?" Captain Keeshan sat and thought for a moment, his face contorted in deep thought. "Bill...Joe...you guys don't remember how it used to be in the pizza delivery business. Making deliveries till all hours of the night in rusty old Gremlins, pizza crusts indistinguishable from the boxes, I mean it was hell back then. And back then crossdressed pizza deliveries were a nightmare, talk about hags! Jeesh! Thank God for the advancements in makeup technology. Now I want you guys to understand something. In the first place, I don't think that it is illegal for a person to order a pizza crossdressed. Even if it were, you and I both know that if crossdressing were outlawed, then only outlaws would crossdress and we don't wanna be messing with no outlaws. Remember men what General Patent once said, "Ounce for ounce, chiffon can do more damage than any grenade." Bill and I sat quietly for a moment, not quite sure what the Captain was getting at. One thing was certain though, there was no doubt that we'd be making more deliveries down there again. Those girls were hungry.

April 19^th 2050 hours: Bill and I made our way back to the ready room and began to prepare for the next delivery run. With luck, maybe we could finish our shift without seeing any more size fourteen feet in nylons. I went down and checked the Pizza Hut delivery vehicle over carefully once again to ensure its roadworthiness. When I returned, Bill was on the phone. "Joe, I think you'd better take this. It sounds like your Mom." I took the phone. Bill was wrong, it wasn't Mom. It was some guy named Chloe and he wanted a large pepperoni with extra cheese. "OK, right away Ma'am. We'll be right there." I hung up the phone. "Looks like I'll have to go undercover for this one Bill. Do you think your Mom will let me borrow that black satin outfit again?"