ear achael,

am a married heterosexual cross dresser

She was the only woman I have ever made love to and after breaking up with her and then finding out she had quickly found someone else, I proposed marriage out of desperation. We have been married for 16 years and have two children. Our sex life is dead and neither of us loves the other. We stay married because we are too broke to divorce and for the sake of the children. In the past, she has allowed me to wear some women's clothing to bed, but I always felt she was merely tolerating it. After years of asking and being put off by excuses, I no longer feel like asking for sex, and if I don't ask, nothing will happen. Should I stay in this marriage and try to get her to accept my dressing or should I leave?

Thanks, BBC

Dear BBC:

For many people, sex is not a necessary part of life. Your wife sounds like she may feel this way. Maybe you don't mind either? I don't know. It is clear that you have given up on sex and maybe not given up on cross dressing? I don't see you asking for a way to get your marital sex life back in order, but you do want to pursue your cross dressing. My best guess is that it wont work or at least it will not work well. You really need to talk with a counselor. If you are financially strapped see if you can find one that is free or charges on a sliding scale. You and your wife need to talk to one another either way. A marriage "out of convenience" can work given acceptance and understanding, but stifling your cross dressing needs may severely effect your well being. I hope that you find the answer to your question as only you who can.

Rachael

ear Rachael:

I work at a Public Library in the back room, maintaining a newspaper database. Last week several women (real GGs) were talking in the workroom (where I work, its where staff come and go). Anyway, they were discussing the news of one staff member who had announced she was pregnant. Then one woman said to me that I was privileged to get this info. and decided to make me an honourary girl. Then, later on in the staff room, a women said to me, let's look in the Bride catalogue and said which one would suit me. All this was in joking fun, they haven't a clue about by T* status, but do you think that this is an opportunity to confide in a few staff of my T* status.

Amanda

Dear Amanda:

Wow, for those sisters out there that are still completely or partially in the closet moments like this are very exciting and tempting. If only we could come out and be accepted by real women as the woman that we often consider ourselves, but alas, we are only deceiving ourselves. Your female work mates were undoubtedly teasing you as a man just to get a reaction; this is not uncommon. My answer to you is this: If you would not mind them telling all in your work place that you prefer to be a woman and live like one, then go for it. My guess is that the news would travel through your organization like lightening. There may be hell to pay!

Rachael

ear Rachael:

I just completed my first long session with the psychiatrist. I have many questions but she mentioned something to me that I have never heard of previously. She speculated that I might have an extra arm of an X chromosome and would like to have me tested. Can you supply or direct to me information on this subject. FYI....I am 49, married, no children. My Psychiatrist is suggesting starting on hormones and electrolysis. Wish I had done it 30 years ago. Thanks for posting the many wonderful letters.

Diane

Dear Diane:

Recently there have been studies completed that indicate that some "Gay people's" brains are structurally different than "Straight people's" brains; this data was tentative and not universally accepted. There also has been much speculation about chromosome variances, abnormalities, etc. that could cause one to exhibit TV, TS or TG tendencies. To date, I have heard of no studies that have confirmed that. In fact, what I have heard is that there is not credible evidence to support that hypothesis. Since you are relying on a Psychiatrist's information, why not challenge her for the source of her beliefs. I would be very interested in her sources if you would care to share. If there are others reading this column who could shed some light on the matter, please let us know. I know that I must be seriously afflicted with this wonderful abnormality! Smile!

Rachael

ear Rachael:

My name is Billie and I am a TV living in IL near Saint Louis. I am 47 years old and have been dressing up since I was 9 or 10. love that feeling. I live alone so I am dressed all the time when I am at home. As a young person I do remember that the first time I put on any feminine clothing it was my sisters panties.. Oh did that feel good....however that dreaded day came when I was caught by my mother and remember that she told everyone ...friends neighbors..all in front of me. Guess it was to shame me or something...anyway from there I was hooked. we lived in a rural area in PA so I use to steal my sisters' or mother's panties..go to the woods and put them on..and masturbate till my hearts content..what a thrill.

I live in IL and am presently attending a large University. I needed something to do in my life so just went back to school. I really enjoy it and will graduate in May. I'm 6' 4", brown hair and blue eyes. I am not gay but am bisexual. Have been married but didn't work out....nothing to do with TV but I don't think she ever knew. She needed something else and went looking elsewhere so I left. I enjoy fishing, hunting, camping and flying. I dress up all day as I live alone and do wear panties, garter belts and nylons under my male clothes when in public. I at least try to keep that bond with my feminine side. I go crazy over sexy lingerie and love to be at home in just a bra, panties, camisole and pettipants. Well, need to get some homework done.

Billie

Dear Billie:

You did not ask for advice, so I will not offer any. I am sharing your story because it is very similar to the life experiences or other lovely people. You sound happy and accept yourself as the good person that you are. There are many of us living in secret and depressed about having these feelings. Your message will be a bright moment in their day. Thanks!

Rachael

ear Rachael:

Hi! I'm a thirty nine year old closet cd. I've cross dressed on and off my whole life. At times my feelings are very feminine, at other times I hate myself. I day dream all the time about being able to go out dressed as a women. I never have as I'm 6'-3" tall and don't think I would pass very well. For years I have fought this feeling, this need to dress and act feminine. I've fought it so long that it hurts. The more I want to dress the more I feel like I'm giving in, like I'm not strong enough to fight it. I love the way I feel when I'm dressed; I feel so free and relaxed, it scares me. I don't know what to do anymore.

My feelings to dress up become stronger each day. I would love to let my guard down and just see who I really am. The problem is I don't think I could accept myself as I've never felt normal, like I never really fit in. Some days are alright and others are very painful. Should I continue to fight and not be completely happy or should I give in and find out something about myself. I may not want to find out or can't accept. My confusion grows and so does the pain. There's no S.O. in my life as I don't let anyone get too close. I know I have to make the decision anyway. Just don't know if I have the strength one way or the other.

Keanu

Dear Keanu:

If you let yourself go and dress, you consider that "giving in?" I consider it taking the first steps to being healthy and right now, you are not! Your height should not stop you. I know many very tall ladies (GGs) and TVs that pull it off with class. So hon, by all means, come out and enjoy, yes, enjoy your femininity . . . but first (or at least concurrently) see a counselor. You need to rid yourself of all that guilt and get to a place in life where you like and accept yourself whether in a dress or pants. Oh . . . and by the way, dresses are much more fun! Smile!

Rachael

ear Rachael:

I was reading your section for last week and noticed that there is a lady named Liz who lives in Austin. Being from Austin myself, I have been trying to locate some other CD's like myself. Is there any way that I might get in contact with Liz. I give permission to let her know what my e-mail address is if necessary.

My story is that I have felt this way about myself for over 15 years. The thing about my life though, was my step-fathers(All four of them.) All I ever heard was statements like "Take it like a man", "Only girls cry" and all the other little macho statements we grow up with. Granted, the statements did stonewall my dressing for several years. I didn't really open up to how I felt until I was 24(I am 26 now. Just a little girl.) The bad thing is I got married shortly after coming out of the closet and didn't dress for another year. My ex-wife said that it was not good for her son. After my divorce(the cross dressing being a minor factor and yes my marriage only lasted a year.), I can relate to the emotional side of dressing that was mentioned in a previous statement.

My anger levels have never been normal. But it seems that when I dress I am calm(and extremely nervous) and don't tend to anger very quickly. When my ex-wife said she didn't want me to dress, I tried to be someone that I couldn't. My rages are what killed my marriage along with her indifference to everything. I decided to try again. I was a success, that time. The couple of times the year before were disasters in my opinion. I didn't do everything that I needed, so I would end up looking like a boy in a dress. I think it was because I had some help from my stylist. At any other time when I dress though, I feel inadequate and incompetent. Of course, I feel inadequate as a man too though. I've been trying to teach myself a lot of the techniques that are necessary. But there are so many things that I either don't know or don't understand. The getting dressed up and going out part is easy. It's the rest that I've never been taught. Any ideas on what I should try to do?

I will admit that the more that I try and experiment with Ericka, the more she shows me everyday my feminine half. I noticed that you mentioned to a lot of your responses with the word therapy. The problem there is finding affordable therapy. I've never even considered therapy of any sort until I started following the net and documentaries on transsexuals. I've, like most, have always felt like I don't belong in this body(or guise). I have considered SRS a couple of times. But now what I'm doing is, I'm doing as much research on all the requirements and necessities involved with SRS. And I have taken into consideration that it is permanent. So, to anyone that might read this, before you consider SRS or any other adjustments, think about how it will affect your lifestyle and those around you. I myself, if I decide to go through with it, will probably move away from family and friends until its done. Then I will come home to a new life. I will, of course, tell the people that matter about it.

Anyway, I seem to have said more than my share on the subject at hand. Oh, one last thing, there are two support groups in the Austin area. The best way to locate one is through Austin Outline. It is the local newsletter for gays, lesbians, bisexual, and transgendered. Also, the Texas 'T' Party is being held in Dallas this year from Feb. 27th to March 3rd. Information can be found at http:// members.aol.com/glcfwendy/ttp96.html. And on that note. Thank you for listening to me Rachael. And thank you, TGF, for being there for all of us.

Ericka Morris

Dear Ericka:

Sorry hon, but I always promise contributors to this article anonymity. In fact I destroy their addresses as soon as the article is posted. So you see, there is no way to pass your name along. Your mood swings, when abstaining are typical; after all you were denying yourself of being the person whom you knew you were and are.

Yes, I do suggest counseling often and I recommend it in your case as well. You really need who you really are . . . TV, TS, TG and of course that will indicate whether or not you are even a candidate for SRS. Be advised though, you can't just whip in one day and have the surgery. In fact, counseling is mandatory before the surgery will be done and you must "live" full time as a woman for a couple of years. Plus, it can cost $10-20k.

How to do go out and do your best as a woman? Practice, practice, practice. Yes, it is more than just clothes, makeup and fluff. It's about the way you carry yourself, your hand and arm movements, the way you walk, talk, sit, ad nauseam! Attend events like the T-party. They usually have experts there that will assist you, So will the sisters that you will meet there. Critically watch real women and mimic their movements at home. Video tape yourself and watch (and cry at first). You can do it. You know, there are few things that feel as good as walking as a woman and feeling your hips swing, even if ever so slightly, gliding along one foot in front of the other. Throw in the feel of pantyhose, and a breeze ruffling your skirt . . . oh my!

Thanks for listing the web address for the T-party, hon. Hope you attended and had fun!

Rachael

ear Rachael: I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my cross dressing. Right now I'm forced to live life as a man, but often wish I could live it as a woman. The whole thing is just extremely confusing to me and I just don't know what to do. I love wearing women's clothing and trying to be as sexy as possible. But I only do this in private. I only do it in private because I do not know how to pass as a woman, but very much wish I could and I very much wish I could go out in public as a woman wearing a dress, high heels, jewelry and make-up. Then when I have to go out in the world and be a guy I feel extremely shameful of myself. This has caused A LOT of stress for me. And plus it is a major hassle trying to lead this what I call a "double life". I feel like maybe I should seek out a professional therapist of some sort, but there doesn't seem to be too much of a selection in the Sacramento area and plus I don't have insurance and will have to find one that is not only qualified but also charges on a sliding scale fee. I just wish I knew if I should start taking steps to go all the way and start on hormone therapy and then SRS. All I know right now is that I feel like shit and I'm very tired of it.

TG

Dear TG:

Now, you just open that phone book up and start calling gender/sex counselors and ask the questions. You need not give your name until you are ready. If the one you talk to isn't for you, ask for a referral to the type of counselor that best fits your needs. You will have to be under a psychiatrist's care for about three months before you can legitimately start hormone treatment. Don't mess with illegally gained hormones . . . it could kill you. In Sacramento you have an organization called, "SGA" (Sac Gender Assn) POB 215456, Sacramento, Ca 95821 or call 916-482-7SGA for meeting locations. It has a very good reputation, hon! Good luck . . . you are not alone!

Rachael

Dear Rachael:

I need some help in coming out. Wow! I said it. I am a 31 young, 6' 170 lb male that just happens to like every aspect of femininity. I live in a small town in the North Central part of NM about 30 miles North of Santa Fe. I know of no groups or clubs or support system available anywhere near me. Due to my physical size and the conservative nature of the area I have no idea of how to go about living what I feel is my true life as a female. Any suggestions?

Toni

Dear Toni:

Yep, you said it and I'll bet it felt good to be able to say it to someone. That thought has probably been in your mind screaming to get out for a long time. Now, do something about it. You are NOT TOO TALL OR Heavy. Go for it. Get counseling if you can. Small towns can be dynamite; can you professionally relocate to an urban area? In the meantime, do it at home (lots) and/or where it is safe to do so. Don't get in a hurry to try you luck in your small downtown area; you could get hurt, if "made" by a homophobic jerk! Get on this forum and others of a like nature, chat with other sisters. Heck, maybe one of our readers can tell me if they know a group near you . . . I will publish it!

Rachael

Reaching Rachael