Purges seem to be a universal and very consistent part of male crossdressing at all levels. Simply put, the urges to crossdress, buy clothes and makeup, and feel a forbidden part of ourselves, get so big and overwhelming that our Judeo-Christian 'sin' base becomes inflamed and we must either purge our wardrobe or watch in the mirror as our head spins around like Linda Blair. We head for the nearest dumpster, Goodwill pickup station, or resale shop and toss, donate or trade away our beloved feminine finery. Along with it, we admonish ourselves as a missing, silent parent would, and promise in full fervor, that we will never, so help me Hannah, look at another Spiegel catalog, let our eyes wander toward the window of Casual Corner, or wonder what the shade that lady's lipstick is and where she bought it. Such a tall order, is surely (don't call me Shirley) doomed to failure.
Well, as I see it, the 'why' in the why do we do it comes from two sources: Guilt and shame (same source), and fear. Guilt and shame come from any number of sources: from television ads strictly aligning male behavior and looks, to family, parents, church and school who have some very specific 'rules' of behavior for boys and girls (and ne'er the twain shall meet). If we chose to look off the pathway and get caught we are sure to be reminded of our steps; if we venture off the path and don't get caught, we have our own internal alarm set to go off. And if we venture off the path, and do get caught: GREAT Balls o' Fire, lookout.
Fear, on the other hand, comes from a place right alongside guilt and shame. It is the fear of getting caught and perhaps worse, the fear of liking the crossdressing too much. For all of us, the fear of getting caught and the need to express ourselves battle away and dictate our behavior. The little kid in us knows that if we get caught raiding the cookie jar the spanking is going to hurt. But we also know that the potential cookie is worth the risk. When the desire for cookie is greater than the fear of spanking, we go for it. Same is true for crossdressing and we fear getting caught.
The other fear - the fear of liking it too much - is fed by guilt and by an innate desire for the status quo. We all know, especially TSs, that to live full-time is to risk losing a considerable portion of our life. A TS still in the experimentation and exploration stage, knows down deep, that the risk exists. If the fear overwhelms us, or the guilt and shame overtake us, we purge. Landfills and resale shops (Gawd, I hope its resale shops!) are filled with large-sized women's clothing, wigs, size 12 shoes, a makeup mirror that I really liked, and so much more paraphernalia that was purged in hopes of ridding ourselves of fear and guilt and shame.
But the urges came back, no? And you bought a new wig, a new cosmetics kit, and a new wardrobe, silently cursing the last purge with each check written. "No, I am okay and will not purge this time, so I can buy better clothes, a nicer wig, and quality makeup" you tell yourself. And you mean it, too! The wardrobe grows and the dressing becomes more frequent. You begin to hit a cute little drag bar one night a week, and the cycle begins anew.
So, why do we stop the purges?
First thing that comes to my mind is financial. Girl, I just cannot afford to pay off another Spiegel charge bill again and have you seen the price of wigs nowadays?. Sure, that's a consideration, but more likely the reason to avoid further purges comes from within. Likely as not, the reasons are a 'coming to terms' with your feminine side. A sort of internal agreement between Sam and Sara that allows for peaceful coexistence. Funny as it may sound, it may be as complex and specific as an agreement between partners. I'll continue to watch football on Sunday with my Brother and Dad, but on Friday, I am going dancin' and partying. The deal is made with similar agonizing and compromising as any person-to-person relationship. Chances are, the relationship your femme persona makes with your macho one will hold for a while and allow for growth in the interim.
Another reason to stop the purges may be exemplified in a line from my favorite erotic diary authoress, Anais Nin. With no apparent knowledge of the transgendered world she said in one of her voluminous diaries(If you want a real adventure of insight, read her diaries): ". . . and then came the day when the risk to remain tight in the bud vase was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Her meaning is obvious and for many, many T*s the statement that they could not keep 'it' inside any longer characterizes their out of closet experience.
Of course, this might manifest itself in any number of events, degrees, or situations and for me to say that this or that is the way to leave the shadows behind would be folly, so I won't go there. Suffice it to say that if your closet has become uncomfortable, then push the door aside and come out; Blast out and blaze across the gender sky, or step out slowly, by degree.
Authors note: I need to thank Cindy and the many readers of TG Forum for this (and the other) opportunity to share my thoughts, feelings, insights and knowledge of the growing understanding of the transgendered and psychology. As Richard Bach (of Jonathan Livingston Seagull fame) wrote in ILLUSIONS (which I highly recommend), 'we teach best what we need to learn most.' Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Back to Transgender Forum's home page