Rachel's Definitive Guide to Passing

For some wholly unfathomable reason, our particular community seems to have a strange obsession with the definitions listed above. There's been considerable discussion over the years and through all channels of communication on what the definitions mean to us and the best way to meet the definitions in that respect. Adding my two cents worth to the already-overflowing pot, here's some advice you may find useful in your quest to obtain emotional fulfillment. Whether you actually choose to implement any of these suggestions is totally up to you, but you might want to consider the advice carefully before you do! Good Luck and Pass with Care!

Last June, while strolling around windy Victoria, British Columbia, I discovered walking around with my hand placed on top of my head was not conducive to passing well. I've also since learned how to anchor a wig like it's a permanent fixture. After all, chasing a wig down the city streets can be lots of fun, but only if you're not the one chasing it. If you do choose to wear a wig in the Great Outside, both Arrow and Craftsman make great staple guns. And don't get a wimpy girly-man model; get something big, strong, and with enough spring force to drive a staple through armor plate. For those not daring enough to use power tools, you can always secure the wig with a chin strap, commonly available whereever football helmets are sold.

Because you're transgendered, you'll likely wear makeup, and perhaps even a bit of bondo and sculpting glaze too. Of course, before applying makeup, you'll need to pick your proper colors. First you must decide whether you are cool or warm. Then you must decide which season you are. This can get complicated because if you're a summer color here does that mean you're a winter color in Australia? If your skin is yellowish does that mean you need to wear blue eyeshadow so it looks green? What about wearing cool colors in the winter if you're vacationing in Hawaii? What if you're on the day side of the moon where it is 235 degrees Farenheit and it's in the middle of July? What would Color Me Beautiful say???

Wear real shoes of course. Never be tempted to fall into the trap of "practical footwear". Why would anyone dare to wear comfortable flats or sneakers if they could possibly wear strappy five inch heels? The pointier the toe, and the higher the heel, the better for your ego! With shoes, practical is never in. It's style, style, style. So what if at the end of the day your feet look like they've been in a meat grinder? All in the name of beauty, dearies. Remember, if the shoe fits, it's ugly. If you absolutely insist on sensible shoes though, be sure to complete the ensemble with a flannel shirt and a billfold in the back pocket.

You must always choose accessories with the utmost of care. Accessories will make or break a look. If you wear enough gold to make Mr. T cry with envy, then something is definitely amiss. (Where has Mr. T been all these years?) With earrings, size is in direct correlation to your sex appeal. Your purse should be stylish, functional, and large enough to carry only the essentials and always remember the Boy Scout Motto, "Be Prepared!" Here are some of the essentials: ID cards, lipstick, facial powder, overnight change of clothes, Cleveland phone directory, oxygen and regulator, quart of motor oil, maxi pads, week's worth of C-Rations, Canadian currency, leather snips, and a copy of your high school transcript. After all, you never know when you might need a Cleveland phone directory.

One problem many Transies have is the way they dress. Dress your age. Not the age you feel but the age you LOOK, and God have mercy if you look two hundred. If you're seventy, that doesn't mean you need to wear a shawl, but wearing a short pleated skirt might be over doing it. Wear the spandex mini instead. Dress your body dimensions too. The only thing as funny as seeing someone in too-small or too-short clothes is watching that same someone chase their wig down a city street. If your sleeves end only halfway down your forearms, aren't they too short? The waist of a dress is not usually supposed to break around the middle of your bust. If you can't make your pants reach your shins don't you think they're too short? Don't you want them to compliment your insensible shoes?

Once you have dressed your age and fitted your clothes, you must also dress appropriately for the occasion. Sadly, no matter how much it's appealing and ever so form-fitting, PVC is just not the everyday garment of choice. Likewise, running out for pizza in a ball gown is not appropriate. Wearing a holey tee shirt and shorts to a transgender conclave is not appropriate either. Wearing a business suit to a leather fest is unseemly. And wearing leather to church is just plain old repugnant, unless you go to one of those really progressive places. If it's named "Church of Our Lady of the Poly Vinyl Chloride" then rest assured, you probably won't burn in hell for bad fashion sense.

Hairy body parts are also a prime prickly picky point for us. If you can't shave it, hide it. If you can't hide it, shave it. If you can't do either, hide yourself. I haven't seen anything much sexier than thick, dark armhair poking out from under a silk blouse, or a tuft of primal fur sitting in your scoop neck cutout. The oh-so-sexy knuckle hairs make men want to passionately kiss one's hand like a chivalrous knight in days of yore. Who can forget the sensuous allure of the rogue leg hair poking through four layers of pantyhose? Alright, I'll leave facial hair alone, because that's just hitting below the belt for many of us.

One thing that is often a topic of consternation is curves, natural and unnatural. Some food for thought. . . should anything edible ever be used to simulate breasts? Someone who constantly has birds pecking at their boobs will not get many dates. Likewise with Jello. It's fun to wrestle in but REALLY! Anything that is drinkable or has the potential to soak your blouse is out, too. If the substance container is designed to be inflated or if it squeaks when it's fondled, it's out. If the container is meant to be used for sexual intercourse, please don't come near me. YOU'RE OUT.

Continuing with the subject of curves, that brings us to hip padding, most of which we do not naturally have. The best way to get the right curves is to not use padding at all. Use your hidden natural resources. First of all, get pants you barely fit into, this will give the appearance of having enough body to fill them out properly. Second, after you've greased your lower body and squirmed your way into the pants, you'll need to put on a belt. Cinch it as tight on the waist as possible, and then go one hole further. If you wanted hips you've now got them - and a killer waist to boot. Make sure the oxygen regulator you stuck in your purse is working well as you'll need to take an occasional breath. Finally, you should have brought along that pair of leather snips just in case of emergency. I wasn't kidding when I mentioned the essentials.

Oh yes. Last, but not least, we come to bathroom etiquette. This is always an interesting subject to address, because if you can pass the bathroom test, you could pass anywhere in the world, except for perhaps a gauntlet of junior high school kids. Remember girls, grunting is out; it's just not particularly ladylike. Talking to one's neighbor in the can is out too, unless you want your fellow patrons to wonder why your voice is three octaves lower. Reading is also out, because for some unfathomable reason very few women seem to read in the can, and what the hell are you doing reading in a public bathroom anyway? Finish the biz and go.