Acceptance

"If you really loved me, you'd embrace my transgendered nature as just another facet of who I am."

"If you really loved me, you'd know I can't stand to see you looking like that and you'd give it up."

Does this sound familiar? Does it sound like a situation that can be resolved? If you answer "Yes" to both these questions then you are at least honest, but you are also naive. Any statement that starts out with "If you really loved me ..." is merely emotional blackmail and is guaranteed to ultimately fail, regardless of any promises that it may elicit. In order to be kept, promises must be made from a mental or emotional position of total surrender. (This is NOT a bad thing, by the way.) But the promises forced from us by compromises arising from blackmail will fester into resentment and generate their own counter "If you really loved me ..." challenge. So, is there no hope then?

Sure there is, but it means that one or both sides in the relationship have to retreat from the position that the other person is going to change their attitudes, ideas, feelings or whatever about the transgender issue dividing them. We know how hard it is to change things about ourselves that we don't like; we don't ever really stand a chance of getting someone else to change. The major hurdle to overcome in this situation is accepting the fact the other person in the relationship is not going to change and then moving on to dealing with the relationship itself, instead of getting bogged down in a specific issue like transgederism.

That's a lot easier said than done, of course. In very many people's minds, the transgender issue is tied too intimately to sex, sexuality and societal norms to be dealt with logically. But ask yourself how long it took for you to accept yourself for what you are. Have you even done that? And you've known yourself all your life and have lived with yourself full time. How can you expect someone else to accomplish what it has taken you years and years to achieve, in less time than it took you? As a transgendered individual, you have to deal with the fact that tolerance and acceptance cannot be forced. Let me offer an analogy that might help you to do that.

Assume that many years ago when you married, you and your spouse were both strict vegetarians. You had both been meat-free for as long as you could remember, and you swore that you both would remain so forever. Secretly though, you knew that you had always really liked the smell of meat cooking, but also knew that you could deal with it. As the years passed you avoided eating meat and were happy, but the smell of the hamburgers at the fast food joint down the street was a constant temptation to you. Finally, one day, you succumbed to that temptation. You bought a hamburger and ate it, and you REALLY liked it! But knowing how your partner felt you didn't tell what you had done, although you continued to sneak out and eat meat. Your consumption increased until finally, one day, the steak on your breath gave you away. The guilt you felt was exceeded only by the betrayal that your partner felt. Swearing to quit, you again stopped eating meat. As more time passed though, you came to realize that eating meat was a natural part of being a human being and that the cow or pig or chicken was going to be killed anyway, so why shouldn't you have some of that meat. You started occasionally sneaking meat into your diet again, but your spouse was still a strict vegetarian. Finally, having come to terms with your habit and wishing to stop being dishonest about your dietary intake, you unburdened yourself and told everything, concluding with, "If you really love me, you'll understand that I truly need to do this." Of course, your spouse doesn't even come close to understanding. Not only did you promise them to stop eating meat and then broke that promise, but the very fact that you are consuming the flesh of another animal is totally disgusting and alien to their way of thinking. Your partner just wants you to go back to being the person you were when you got married. You, on the other hand, now feel slighted and hurt because your honesty has not gotten you the acceptance you deserve. After all, it's not like you want to start slaughtering livestock in the garage - you just want a little meat in your diet now and then. You both want something that you feel right in demanding the other should give you.

In these situations, you have to give in order to be able to receive. You have to let go of your expectations of being given something and instead learn to accept your partner's point of view as being just as valid and meaningful as your own. No, it's not your point of view or your belief, but it obviously plays a large role in THEIR life. If they could give you what you want or need under a given set of circumstances, you have to know that their love for you would prompt them to do that in a heartbeat. But they obviously cannot give you what you demand from them, so your job is to accept the fact that they can't and to get on with your life, both individually and together. Don't demand acceptance of who you are from others. Instead, accept them as they are - vegetarian, transgendered, sexually stereotyped, whatever. And what do you receive in return for giving up your own demands or expectations? You get peace of mind and self-acceptance that you can use as the foundation for finding some common ground. Do not expend your energy on wrestling something out of you partner. Simply realize that you are two different, maybe very different, people that hopefully love each other and have more in common than a point of dissension. Accept that your partner is NOT always the person you want them to be, and that the person that they are probably doesn't always like the person that YOU are. Accept it in an atmosphere of love and move on to more important things.

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