Tina

One Friday evening, while getting ready to have my bath I opened the hot water cupboard and all of the laundry that was drying fell out. I grumbled a bit and started to pick things up. Then I stopped. In my left hand I had a pair of panties and in my right I had a bra, what was more, they were from that catalogue. Without even a thought I was naked and slipping into them. Every pleasure cell in my brain exploded as I stood there looking at myself in the mirror. For several years after that, bathtime for me always included peeking into the hot water cupboard to see what lingerie I could wear.

In my early teens I was often left alone at home while the rest of the family went to our local town to shop. Those Saturday mornings became dress up times. By now I had progressed beyond lingerie and had discovered my elder sisters collection of 1960's miniskirts. Oh how I loved the look of miniskirt, tight top and long socks. At this time I would also fantasize as to how great it would be when I left home. I would be able to dress up when I wanted and (especially) go to bed wearing soft night dresses.

When I was sixteen my family emigrated to New Zealand and then shortly afterwards went back having decided that NZ was not for them. I however stayed on to finish my high school and lived with my girlfriend and her parents on the very firm understanding that no misbehaving was to occur (We soon got around that one!). One winter afternoon I had been sent home early as the weather was too bad to play soccer. I knew no one would be home for a few hours as Karen's mother worked on Wednesday afternoons. I arrived home, undressed and within a few minutes was dressed in Karen's underwear and one of her dresses. She was smaller than me so it was a bit of a tight fit but it would pass.

I had just managed to do the zip up on the dress when a voice behind me said "Hello". My stomach tightened, heart stopped and knees started to buckle. I had just enough strength to turn around to face Karen's mother who had come home early. I stood there looking at her, not really able to do anything else. She looked me in the eye, smiled, said that the dress looked a bit tight on me and walked out.

My heart was still pounding as I reached round to undo the zip and slipped the dress off me. What was I going to do? As the dress hit the floor Karen's mum walked back in. Oh Hell, now I was dressed only in a bra and panties. "Oh, those look nice on you", she said as the handed me another dress. "I think one of mine will fit you better as we seem to be a similar size. Come on out when you have got it on".

I put the dress on and walked out into the lounge. We sat down and talked for ages about why I liked dressing up and what it felt like. All too soon it was time for the girls to come home from school and I had to change.

The next week I went home during my liberal studies session. Karen's mum was there and she said that there we some things on my bed that I would like. There on the bed were a black bra, panties, suspender belt and stockings together with a really nice red dress. I put them on and walked back into the lounge. Karen's mum took me into her bedroom and made me up which was so exciting. By this time of course I was incredibly turned on as it was an unbelievably erotic experience. Karen's mum told me that it was time to discover what it was like to be a real girl and with the help of a few toys taught me to be on the receiving end of a lot of attention! We became regular lovers, a relationship that continued once Karen and I had broken up and I moved into my own flat.

Sometime around the end of my teens the first of the purges occurred. I threw out a complete wardrobe of clothes in an effort to prove I was "normal". A few months later I would be out shopping again. Crossdressing is a very expensive pastime when going through purges. (Even today I sometimes purge and I really regret throwing out the black pleated short skirt that I want to wear tonight!)

While on assignment out of town I met Carol, now my wife. I was resisting the urge to dress for longer periods and felt that I was "cured". We got on well and got married.

A couple of years after getting married I felt a strong urge to dress and one evening asked Carol if I could wear some of her things. With a smile she agreed and I dressed up and we spent a pleasant evening together. Somehow (to my deep regret) that evening never got repeated and the only time I dressed was when she was away.

All seemed to be well in the household. My crossdressing never got mentioned even though she must have been aware of it. Once my eldest son reached school age things changed. One day I came home and found Carol crying. On asking her why she said that she hated me dressing up. We talked and things were OK for a while. I tried to resist the urge to dress but always failed. More tearful sessions ensued and eventually I decided to go to a counselor. After several joint sessions it was agreed that the only way forward was for me to stop. I tried but the effects were not pleasant. I am a design engineer, all of a sudden my creative ability dried up, I couldn't concentrate and I became irritable. It was if a whole part of me had been killed and I was only half a person.

I had to dress up, I had to have myself back again but I couldn't let Carol know as I didn't want to chance losing her and my boys. I now have my own wardrobe which is stored very carefully inside some cleverly engineered places at home. Now when Carol and the boys go away to see her parents I have a few days to be myself. I can lounge around, write and be totally comfortable with myself, then, when she arrives home, go on being the strong dad that they expect. If I had my own way then I would wear lingerie all the time but I can only fantasize about that one.

Oh how I envy those growing up today. At least now there is information around and support groups like this one that show you that dressing up is normal, other people do it and that there are more than two sexes in the human race.

Thank you for publishing these pages on the net. They have helped me understand who I am. I don't think I will ever get acceptance from Carol but that is something I will have to accept as I love her too much to part from her.