I Need A Role Model

By Leslee Anthony

DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS!!!

It seems that we are forever having to make a decision, not the least of which is deciding such trivial matters as whether or not to tell your spouse that you like to wear her clothes. Personally I hate making decisions, especially major and critical ones like which earrings go best with my new beige sheath dress. I usually go for any drop or dangle ones since I have this earring fetish and am afraid that if I wear a button one nobody will know that I have my ears pierced. Helps my ego feel feminine.

The same with deciding who is to be my role model. I thought about Dennis Rodman but he is so much taller than I that it didn't make any sense. Besides, his conservative image didn't seem right either. Next came Debbie Reynolds. Cute kid!! You know, lots of feminine personality, sort of bubbly in a Lawrence Welk kind of way. She got a no vote because I am not into "cute" either. Even older cute.

Actually the perfect role model exists, or existed I should say since she is deceased lo these many years. The truth is there were two, but they both got dumped for being dead and I want a live role model. I also decided, small decision actually, that neither Zazu Pitts nor Marjorie Main were well enough known to have any significance when I tell my friends that I am inspired by one of them. Cass Daly never was considered.

So I began searching through the celebrities of today. Yeah Dennis is of today, but as I said, too tall. It also occurred to me that I should set some criterion to help me narrow down the field a bit. Simply "role model" left too many options open. I mean, really, somewhere between Hulk Hogan or Heather Lochlear I had to find someone. I made another decision, find a suitable female role model. Major breakthrough there! Someone I could emulate and use as a sort of guide, you know, role model.

Not a bad idea, since I had also decided (See?? Decisions, decisions, decisions) that I want to be as feminine as possible and changing a male attitude and appearance into an acceptable female image shouldn't be all that tough. All I need is a few hormones, some cosmetics and properly placed pads, a person to copy and nobody need ever know. Yeah, sure. Nobody except my elecrologist, physician, ego and everybody who sees me when I overdress and play Drag Queen.

Good, so far. Find a role model. But first, another decision. What, or rather, who do I want to be. (Or is that whom??) Anyway, I want to be stylish, attractive (I tried beautiful but reality overcame my fantasy and I settled for 'attractive'), sophisticated and most certainly desirable. Desirable became a problem too because I couldn't decide by whom and why, it just seemed like a nice feminine quality. Sort of like a chocolate chip cookie, desirable, bordering on irresistible. (Dream on you nit-wit)

So, I am to be all those things and emulate who?? (I know that isn't whom) Let's review the list so far and add some new candidates. Dennis Rodman, Debbie Reynolds, Hulk Hogan, Heather Lochlear, Zazu Pitts, Marjorie Main. Let's add a few, Julia Roberts, Shannon Miller, Cindy Martin, Rene Richards, Kathie Lee Gifford, Chuck Norris, Jamie Lee Curtis, Cher, Susan Lucci.

Want to know why I rejected all but one of them?? No?? Too bad, I will tell you anyway. First I accepted reality, so there had to be some match. Julia, too pretty; Shannon, too small; Cindy, too smart; Rene, too muscular; Kathie Lee, same as Julia; Chuck, too macho and too hairy; Jamie, too curvy; Cher, too obvious.

Susan Lucci is my chosen model. She is an extremely attractive woman, beautiful actually in her sophisticated and simple style, very feminine. For some of you who live in a cave and still rely on short wave radio, she is the day soap opera actress who has been nominated for umpteen Daytime Emmy's and never won a one. She personifies graciousness, styl e, femininity and positive attention without being the center of attention. She is noticed, accepted and respected but not necessarily honored or feted.

She is the perfect "passing" role model, for me. I want to go out, be admired (maybe), noticed (casually), accepted (certainly), and left alone to do my thing. My ego gets stroked when I wander through a store, attend a concert, or go to dinner and nobody notices me except my escort. I get embarrassed when I attract too much attention, so I tend to dress down, if you know what I mean. Too much attention invites too much examination or scrutiny and I really think we should all avoid that. Unless our goal i s negative attention. When I say I "dress down", that does not mean I go nude or carelessly or sloppily dressed, it means that I keep it simple and discreet. Nor does it mean that I do not take pride in my appearance, quite the contrary, I take great pride in how I look and that is why I make sure that everything is right, down to the last detail.

Even though I have a suitable role model I must admit that there are some facts about my ideal woman that make me uncomfortable. I have selected a person that is approximately my eldest Daughters age, so I think I will add her to my list of rejects as, too young. Perhaps I should change to Naomi Judd. Now there is one gorgeous Grandma. Too pretty, so she joins my list of rejects.

Tough decisions though, one decision after another, this is a tough day.

You want style, sophistication and femininity?? I do anyway. And then there is an even more fantastic female, a Broadway actress and truly HOT lady, one Rita Moreno. She even comes close to matching my generation. I won't say I am hung up on her and her style but I do have a Rita Moreno work out video. She is what I think femininity is all about. Soft, sincere, attractive without necessarily oozing a cover girl beauty, trim, and all of this with an everyday attitude. Wonderful sense of humor. She can dres s and create a smash as glamorous as anybody, or she can remain an attractive everyday person. Perfect!!

Now that I think about it, I select Rita Moreno as top female role model of the year and I will send her the first annual Leslee Award as most passable female on this planet, and any other as far as I know. And if Star Trek is any criterion, she will win there too. There is just one regret, she has not returned my calls asking her for a quote to add to this article. I thought that surely, as the first recipient of the Leslee Award, she would have some comment. In fact I am sure she would but then maybe I wouldn't really want to print it anyway. Let's leave it in the grand fantasy stage and not deal with too much reality. I am happy thinking that she really would call and would love to make a comment but the pressure of vast previous commitments prevent it.

Back to the original list. With a few obvious exceptions, I will let you decide which ones, I have tried to select those who project femininity without being effeminate. If you don't recognize the difference then drop me a line and I will explain it as I see it. One must ":feel" feminine or no amount of practice, external adjustments or medical assistance will create a female. How did Cher get on my list?? Because I really enjoy that woman but not her personal style. Too much for me, but I like to see it on her. The same way I must admire the technical skill of Drag Queens but not as role models. We in the TG community would do well to keep away from the Cher look, but too many try to copy it. I have a flash, if you ain't got what Cher has got, don't try to flaunt it.

I once suggested to a person at a group meeting that femininity must be felt and comes from inside. I was met with a sort of odd stare and the comment "But that isn't natural, besides I would feel silly". A man imitating a woman is not natural and certainly silly in many respects. So what was his problem?? We all face it, some accept it, some fight it.

Deciding on how to look, whom to copy or emulate, and when to do it, takes a mature ego not common among the "dress up" community. It isn't easy to take a hard, objective look at ourselves and say, "I am too (old, fat, tall, hairy, bony) ((Pick any one or all of the foregoing)) to really project an acceptable female image". Then we must add, "but I enjoy dressing and pretending, so I will do my best, attend a group meeting or two and enjoy who I am". Separating fact from fiction, or reality from fantasy, is the most difficult decision of all. Deciding, or admitting to our limitations and accentuating our positives is always a tough choice, but if we are to achieve personal balance, it is necessary that we do just that. Whatever it is, take comfort and pleasure from even being "man enough" (I hate that expression) to recognize your femininity and admit to it.

And Miss Piggy is not a recommended role model either. Too short!!