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Vanessa Kaye: I was about 20 or so when I first wrote to JoAnn Roberts of CDS. I had a lot of questions about who I was and how I could explain my "other self" to my wife. She wrote back with some very compassionate answers, and they helped. At that time, I was content to simply dress at home.
I stayed in that mode for many years, yet all the while I yearned to get in touch with others like myself and to go out as Vanessa. About three years ago, I again wrote to JoAnn. I spoke to her about my wife and I needing to find a support group, for both of us. JoAnn referred me to Jane Ellen Fairfax of Tri-Ess. Jane Ellen referred me to Diane Fairchild. Diane was one of the founders of the original Sigma Beta support group in Oklahoma City. I interviewed with Diane a little over two years ago and that was that. Since then I have been fairly active in the TG community.
In regard to my "first contacts" in the community, I am so thankful that JoAnn was there. She was so supportive and her responses weren't based upon my purchasing anything from CDS. She was genuinely concerned and willing to help. I often refer to JoAnn as my "big sister."
C.M.: Why did you get involved? Did you want to "give something back"?
V.K.: You are exactly right on this one. The many years that I spent feeling alone and feeling that there was something "wrong" with me. These feelings, coupled with the struggles that we went through as a couple give me the strong desire to ensure that nobody else has to go through that if I can help it.
It wasn't easy to find Sigma Beta when I was looking for a support group. Over the course of the last year or so, I have worked very hard to get out our name and contact information.
I remember asking JoAnn how I could ever repay her for all that she had done for us. Her reply was, "Help somebody else." I believe that she knew that I would always be paying on that account. It is a "payment" I enjoy.
C.M.: What is it like being TG in the conservative heartland? In a recent note you alluded to what this was like a bit in one note when you talked about heads turning at a comedy club.
V.K.: Going to the local comedy club was my "bright idea." I had a wonderful time and I would do it again tonite, want to go with me?
Anyway, it was an interesting experience. Generally, the other girls in the group and I tend to go out in the gay and lesbian area. We are treated well and accepted for who we are in this area. Yet, I felt that if the attitudes were going to change, someone was going to have to be first. I talked to a couple of my closest girlfriends and said, "Let's get together and go to Joker's (the comedy club). We'll be with each other and we'll be safe." My dear friend Stephanie, who was foolish enough to trust my lead, said, "Neat! I'll call and talk to the manager."
Steph talked to the manager of the club and told him who we were. He was very happy to have us attend. At the club we had a new experience. It was the men who had a problem with us. The women in the club seemed to be more accepting of our alternate gender roles.
In general, this is a very conservative area. Despite that, I am not afraid to go out and most of my girlfriends are still foolish enough to go with me. I want to go to a performance at the music center next.
C.M.: Tell me about COTA, why it was formed, what existed before. And the problems you had putting it together.
V.K.: C.O.T.A. (The Central Oklahoma Transgender Alliance) was formed out of need. I was elected to the presidency of Sigma Beta in June of 94. Since that time I struggled with the diverse membership of the group. Sigma Beta was primarily a heterosexual crossdresser and partner support group. While unchartered, Sigma Beta was for practical purposes, a Tri-Ess Chapter.
Each week I would get inquiries from girls who didn't fit the Sigma Beta "mold." I would meet with them for coffee and we would talk for hours. After I told them about the group, they would say, "I'd love to be in a support group with others like me, but I don't think that your members would feel comfortable with me there."
One particular instance was when I met with Tricia. She is stunningly beautiful. Tricia has boyfriend and lover named Paul. She wanted the strength and friendship of a group, but knew that the others would be uncomfortable due to her lifestyle. I liked Tricia.
This happened several times over the course of a year. In addition, three of our members had completed SRS and were not allowed to be full members according to the groups bylaws. I felt it was time for a change.
In my mind I devised a basic plan. We obviously needed a group that could serve the different needs of three main areas. We had heterosexual crossdressers and spouses/partners; crossdressers of other sexual orientation and a growing number of TS's.
I talked with JoAnn Roberts about the problem. I said that I would like to start a Renaissance group and get the TriEss chapter officially going. She then suggested that I contact Dallas Denny of AEGIS for TS support. That was the basic plan and it evolved into C.O.T.A.
When I first approached my sisters about the concept, the group became quite polarized. There was a strong resistance to change. About half of the girls said they weren't interested in all of that, they just wanted a place to go dressed. They were not particularly driven as I am to reach out and help.
There was a period of about three months that the original group went through struggling with the issue. Finally, in February of this year, we voted. The measure passed overwhelmingly. I was so happy that I cried.
C.O.T.A. has three Sister Interest Groups (SIGs) at present. We have Sigma Beta (a Tri-Ess Chapter), Sooner Diversity (a Renaissance affiliate) and OK New Men & Women (a pending AEGIS affiliate). The most interesting fact is that the TS group is the fastest growing of the three at this time.
C.M.: Give me some insight into how this impacts your relationship with your wife and other family (if they know).
V.K.: On top of everything else a couple has to deal with, there are times when having an "extra woman" around can be just too much. Although I told my wife about Vanessa on our second or third date, there have been some difficult times. I can highly recommend JoAnn's book, "Coping With Crossdressing", I know that it helped us.
At the time that I was finally able to contact the local group, we were at our wit's end. No matter how much we talked about the issue, we just couldn't communicate. We were extremely lucky that there were so many active spouses and partners in Sigma Beta. That made all the difference in the world. In addition, we attended the first S.P.I.C.E. conference in Dallas. Linda Peacock is terrific.
I firmly believe that being transgendered is a gift. Yet, like anything else, it is possible to have too much of a good thing. There are still times that I struggle with maintaining a balance. My wife goes out with Vanessa to dinner and shows. We have a great time now.
My family knows, but not by my choice. We do not discuss Vanessa.
C.M.: You're a very attractive woman, how did you get to that point? Practice? Who showed you makeup, fashion? Books? Friend? Wife. Fill me in.
V.K.: Oh! You made me blush. Well honey, for years I just couldn't get enough of that blue eyeshadow on. Then I "grew up". I started looking more closely at the photographs in fashion magazines. I would say to my wife, "I like that look, can you help me to do that?" She was very helpful in picking out colors and I think that she was very relieved when Vanessa started looking more like a woman than a teenage tart. Although.... there are still times when Vanessa wants to look a little vampish!
In addition, soon after I joined Sigma Beta, some of the girls invited me to go to a local make-up artist. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I was somehow selected as the "victim". I loved having a makeover and recommend it to anyone.
My "big sis" in Sigma Beta at the time was Renee'. She would give me tips every time that we talked. Renee' was "trained" by a couple of the local female impersonators. One last thing, JoAnn's book has lots of great tricks in it.