(Jane Ellen Fairfax has been very active in the community at the national level, most recently as the chairperson of the Tri-Ess Board of Directors.)
For years you've played a game of I've Got A Secret with the outside world - perhaps even with your loved ones. You're a cross dresser, a man who has discovered a feminine side of his personality, and who enjoys expressing that softer side by dressing in feminine clothes and learning feminine though processes. Having for years carried a burden of guilt, you're ready to claim the human dignity to which you feel entitled. Proud of your added dimension, you hunger for the freedom to be yourself. Emerging, however, means a lot more than simply opening your closet door. As you reach out to people like yourself, you will encounter a world of unsuspected chutes and ladders. If you are to keep climbing, you will have to find answers to some questions.
Questions #1: I'm afraid to leave my house en femme. What if my neighbors see me? What if I get arrested?
Answer: In most areas, cross dressing is not illegal. A few states even issue feminine ID cards with your masculine name! To make doubly sure, a simple phone call to the police department will usually clarify matters. If stopped for a traffic violation, you should be absolutely cooperative with the police officer, and truthful about your cross dressing if you are asked. Fear of being observed by neighbors can be eliminated sometimes by dressing at a meeting place of the support group or at the home of a friendly cross dressing sister. As time passes you will probably find that this fear will melt away.
Question #2: I'd love to attend my local support group. But, I look awful! What will all those beautiful ladies think of me?
Answer: All those beautiful ladies probably started where you are. In most groups you will find some beginners exactly like you. Because we tend to compare ourselves with an ideal of femininity, most of us look better than we think we do. Your local support group can probably provide the names of sympathetic business people to do your colors, makeup, and hair. Having these done prior to your first meeting should enhance your confidence. When the compliments start coming, you're off and running!
Question #3: I'm shy. How can I break the ice?
Answer: Talk to the president of your support group. The group may have a Big Sister program or an individual support program where you can meet people while dressed as you are comfortable. If you offer to help on group projects, you will probably feel appreciated. Before long, you'll find yourself an integral part of the group and wonder how you got there.
Question #4: I feel a lot of peer pressure to go out in public to gay bars and female impersonator shows. Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable?
Answer: Not at all! At one time the bars and shows were about the only places one could go while cross dressed. Now they've become a stereotype for cross dressers - just as invalid as the stereotype society sets for males. Feel free to enjoy the shows and bars - or not to. Gently and without being judgmental, you should turn peer pressure aside. Simply be yourself. As in making friends in the outside world, look for people with whom you share interests; you will find many of them. Nor is going out in public any sort of Nirvana. You should feel free to proceed at your own pace. A frightening public experience is the shortest return route to the closet.
Question #5: Speaking of scary experiences, how should I react when people read me when I'm out in public?
Answer: First, you should reach the insight that the problem is not yours, but theirs. People who react negatively to you are blinded by conventionality and chained to a false standard that is being slowly dismantled. Many unpleasant encounters between cross dressers and hostile readers end in discomfiture for the reader. If a hostile person violates your civil rights, he will probably find, to his dismay, that the law is on your side. In the right setting, you might take the opportunity to educate. In any case, hold your head up high. You have every right to your feminine self-expression. (Ed note: A friendly smile has been known to defuse many a situation that had the potential for extreme volatility.)
Question #6: Maybe I'll be read less if I pass better. I'm 6'2, 220 pounds. How important is it to pass?
Answer: Many cross dressers make passing the lodestar of their lives. It is a dark star. Rather than try to fool people into thinking you're something you're not, you should prefer them to accept you for what you are. To do this you should cultivate the truest feminine image, both visual and spiritual. Macho behavior and cross dressing don't mix. You should dress mostly in your colors, in attire appropriate for the setting, your age, and your feminine self-concept. In this way you will decrease stress and point yourself of the road to self-actualization.
Question #7: After all those years in secrecy I can hardly wait to get out in public. How can I make up for lost time?
Answer: Although your frustration is understandable, you should slow down and evaluate where you are. Neither going out in public nor living full time en femme is the main goal of the cross dresser. You don't develop the feminine by killing the masculine. Much more important than passing milestones is integrating the masculine and feminine traits into your identity. Combining the most wholesome aspects of masculinity and femininity will broaden and modulate your personality, and make you into the best person you can be.
Question #8: Since I've loved things feminine all my life, am I not a transsexual? Isn't it best for me to stop living this lie - the sooner the better?
Answer: Early self-labeling is the most destructive trap awaiting the emerging cross dresser. For every true transsexual there are five or six cross dressers who mislabel themselves as transsexuals. You will unfortunately meet people who, out of greed or egotistical self-interest, will be eager to fasten that label onto you for life. Once labeled, you will have a tough fight to free yourself. That stakes are your family, your job - the rest of your life. You have plenty of time to get in touch with your feelings and make friends. Proceed slowly. Let no one define you; you are who you are.
Question #9: My job is a very sensitive one. If people at work found out, I'd be a goner. How do I handle security?
Answer: With security issues it is usually best to proceed with caution.What you tell yourcross dressing sisters about your work or identity is up to you. You may wish to avoid appearing en femme near your place of work. You should keep separate your cross dressing and professional circles. Every time you appear in public en femme, you take a small risk of discovery. Only you can determine how much risk is acceptable.
Question #10: Should I tell my friends and relatives about my cross dressing?
Answer: That is an individual decision. A reasonable standard is to tell those who need to know. (Ed note, again: Timing is of the essence. It is far better for a person to be told by you, in person, where you can comfortably answer their questions, than from some third party who may have an axe to grind.)
Question #11: How can I make my wife comfortable going out in public while I am cross dressed?
Answer: Your wife is probably worried about social and professional consequences. While friends and associates may not recognize you en femme, they will recognize her. Then they will look closer at you and the jig may be up! Also, your wife's
unease may signal the need to renegotiate the place of cross dressing in your marriage. You should remember that your wife has had to make many adjustments because of your cross dressing. For this reason you should always be alert and sensitive to her needs.
Emerging from secrecy is an intensely personal decision. Several threads run throughout the process. You should strive to integrate, moderate, and avoid labels. Keep in touch with your feelings, and be sensitive to the needs of those around you. Above all, proceed slowly and with care. Your reward will be years of happiness and fulfillment.
from: Tau Chi Chapter of TRI-ESS, Femme Forum, Volume VII, Number 8, August 92.
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