Dear Rachael,




I'm 17 years old and have reached a point in my life where I can no longer deal with keeping this a secret.




I have had these feelings since I was 10, but didn't really understand what the were until I started High-school. Since then I've read everything I could get my hands on, and come to understand myself more. Yet I have to talk with someone. I've come out to two friends who were both totally accepting and understanding. I couldn't have asked for more support, they don't mind listening to me, and have helped me go out in public twice. What I really want to do is go to a psychologist. The nearest one is an hour and a half away, which isn't really a problem, but getting my parents to let me go is. They have absolutely no idea. They are the best parents I could every ask for, except they have made it clear that if any of us kids turned out to be gay, we'd be living out on the street. So how do I approach them about going to seek help? They'll want to know what for. Also both are doctors and I'm afraid they could find out from someone why I'm going. Currently I'm trying to figure out a way to secure money my grandmother left me and some that my parents have put away for me after I graduate from college. Hopefully I can get both when I'm 18, since the would easily pay for my college tuition and then some. Please, I could use any advice on how get around my parents to see someone, and to deal with them, because I would like to start transitioning in college, as I have decided that would probably be the best time. Thanks, Katrina Dear Katrina, While you have been dealing with the life long struggle of who you are, things are about to get better. Your first steps were to do as you did . . . read everything that you can get your hands on. You have already gotten to a place where you better understand yourself and recognize the need for professional help. At age 18 you will, in a sense, be your own boss as you will have reached the age of majority, so hang in there. You fear about you parents may be exaggerated by healthy paranoia; yes, we all have bouts with being "discovered and rejected." They are obviously well educated and should be somewhat open minded. You wont know until the telling day. Be prepared for the worse and hope for the best; they may even have an inkling. You will probably know when it is time to tell them. Just have your next steps realistically planned if all does not go well. You may not be Gay. Transvestism, Transgenderism nor Transsexualism do not necessarily equate to being Gay. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with being Gay, except in someone's head. See a counselor, either alone or in group therapy (cheaper). They are bound by confidentiality so you need not fear being betrayed to your parents. If the money angle will materialize for you in the near future, it may pay to wait. One thing to remember though, you are not alone. You have many sisters out there. You have found some here and you will find a lot of resource material here also. Last bit of advice . . . go very slowly. Transitioning is not easy and college is not easy; you'll need a good brand of super glue to hold all of this together, but you can do it. Yes you can, if you really want to. Time is your best ally; use it and enjoy your life as it changes and unfolds before your eyes (and mirror). Dear Rachael, Being able to converse with others like myself, is the biggest thrill of being connected on the net. So much information, It makes my head swim. I've been taking hormones since 1989, and have yet to become involved with a group of people; let alone talking and laughing with someone like myself. I take that back. Once, while living in Las Vegas, Nv., I was told of a group that held regular meetings, had lunches, went to the shows and things like that. But I discovered at my first and only meeting, that they were into running a sex scam with the tourists. It wasn't what I was preying for it to be, so I never made a second attempt to hope to find someone to tell me about me. I thought that maybe I was the one who wasn't doing something correct. My family knows of my ultimate goals, but lacks the appreciation and understanding of how I've had to live these past years of my life. Self-hatred, personal denial, depression, fear, and a universe of tears, have finally led me to try to make a contact again. When I read the personal letters on your page and others like yours, I cried tears of relief and joy. I was right. I'm ok and it's ok to be like I am. All the years of hiding my lies and covering my tracks, won't mean a thing, unless I can finally see my way through this hell that I've grown so bitterly accustomed to. It's been terribly hard, this coping, without any guidance or knowledge about where to turn for assistance and companionship. Everyone needs someone, and it's so cold and frightfully lonely, when you begin to think your insane enough to believe in your heart so much about your own compassion and feelings, that you must hide it, or be discovered and turned against by family and friends. But now I've found a world where I do belong in. It's not some fairy tale world light years away, its right here, all around me. I'm home and I never need to prey to leave this world again. Day by day. I will either succeed or I will fail in my quest. I heard it once said, "It is time for me to either start living, or start dieing." I refuse to die. Your sis, Charlene. Dear Charlene, Wow, what a powerful a letter . . . the loneliness, the fears, the frustrations of years gone by . . . now the tears of joy of not being alone, finding that you really are a legitimate person (you always were). And yet I sense the realism in your thoughts that all will not be blissful from this day forward. You are definitely not alone. Your feelings mirrored mine of yesteryear. Many of us have had the same feelings; It was a joy to me that you shared them. Your emotions are warmly "grabbing." As to advice? You have it right . . . It is time for you to live. Let you fingers dance on the keyboard finding new friends. Join a group ( I know that you are ), seek counseling if you can afford it, just to keep focused on reality; you are doing well. You are developing a new family and new friends and you are being welcomed with open arms.
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