Hi, I'm Katrina. Well, that's not my real name, but it's the one I'm hoping to have someday. You see I'm a Transsexual at only 17, but it didn't just happen overnight.
The first time I can remember wanting to be a girl was when I was 10. My older Brother was really into RPGs, and of course he got me to play. I really wanted to play a woman, but decided it was better of not to tell my older brother this. After that I didn't think about being a woman until my Freshman year of High school.
During my Freshman year I got in uncontrollable urge to cross dress, I don't know why or exactly when, but it occupied my every thought. It was more an erotic thing, then really wanting to become a women. So one night, when no one was home, I went into my sisters room and tried on one of her dresses. It was a wonderful feeling, until I saw myself in the mirror. I was horrified at the reflection of myself, I just wanted to die then and there. I took off the dress and promised myself I'd never do it again.
To keep my mind off of it, I studied hard and took up athletics, in a way I was also trying to make it up to my parents for doing something so awful. It worked too, I forgot all about being a woman, excelled in athletics and academics, and my parents keep telling me how proud they were of me.
But at the beginning of my Junior year, it all came flooding back. This time it was different. I just felt more natural when I was cross dressed and when I acted more feminine. I had to convert back to my masculine persona a week later, because some people started to notice me acting differently, except when I was around one friend, who I thought might understand. She picked up on me being depressed and acting a little different right away. I had just helped her through a hard time and she really wanted to repay me in some way, but no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't tell her. She finally let it go, but still brings it up occasionally, but her problems have just resurfaced and I don't have the heart to dump this on her.
Now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I really need someone to talk to, but who? My two best friends are really against gays, and I know they wouldn't be able to handle it. I have another group of friends I think would be more understanding, but none of them would ever be the same around me again. One thing I can never do is tell my parents. They're both great parents, and I love them both, but they'd never understand this.
My father would probably kick me out. Everyday he tells me what I great guy I am, and when he says that, I just want to die. My mom, is very understanding, but this would crush her. She's quite emotional, and would probably blame it all on herself. I don't blame any of them. This isn't something they're supposed to be able to deal with.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll try to transition during college, while the hormones will have the greatest effect. I've always been rather slender, and cutting weight for wrestling has stunted my growth, so I'm not too tall for a women at 5'7". All those things will make passing and my life a little easier. The thing I'm most worrying about is my father taking away my money for college. I really want to graduate, because I feel getting a job is going to be hard enough as a transsexual, but it would be impossible without a degree. Yet I don't want to wait till after college, because I'm planing to go more than just 4 years, and I've read It's better to start as soon as possible.
Thank you for reading this and I hope I didn't bore anyone, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Katrina
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