A View From The Other Side of The Camera

Over a year and one half has passed since I had a rare experience, but it was of a nature that readers of this article most likely will understand.

I dress. We all do. For me this means a compromise for my longish-haired, beared persona, most comfortable in jeans. Rather than present a threatening degree of nonconformity to some clients, at work I wear a conservative dark wool blazer, grey wool slacks, and meticulous necktie. On close scrutiny I might present something of an ambiguity, but never a threat.

My goal is to blend and stand out simultaneously.

Imagine my consternation as I stride through a crowded banquet room populated exclusively by ladies in formal evening gowns, the majority men.

Without a doubt, I fail to blend. In fact, I stick out like a thorny weed in a field of wildflowers.

It is hard to overcome the sensation that all eyes are upon me, perhaps with a critical and suspicious glare. Nothing more would please me than to believe that I could somehow pass unnoticed, but it is 1:00 A.M., and after a long evening of after-dinner speeches and presentations I am more concerned that runny makeup and jet-lag are causing large numbers of ladies to leave the room. I see my epic group photo rapidly dwindling in size before my eyes.

My concern begins to fade as I realize that my idiosyncratic attire will help me get the attention needed to accomplish the task had hand. It is my job to organize a group photo of these ladies. What better way to get their attention? I stride to the podium. All eyes are upon me as I take the microphone and say, "I am certainly honored to be asked to be here, now that I look around the room and see that I am the only person present with a beard."

Over a year and a half has passed since this event, the Tri-ESS Holiday En Femme. My own private feelings, at the time, have become a metaphor to understanding what a cross-dresser experiences in "my world". There is an interplay between individual identity, self-image, and social acceptance that can never be fully appreciated without personally testing the bounds of nonconformity in public.