The next day my brother and I decided, or I should say he decided for both of us, that we should stay home and not go to school. We did that and enjoyed the day doing stupid things together. The next day I decided that I would stay home by myself. I did, and I got dressed in my sister's dress again. I was having a wonderful time just sitting around and pretending to be a little girl. Then for some reason my dad came home early. I ran to the bathroom closet and tied to be as quiet as possible. Unfortunately dad had bought groceries that day and opened that closet to put something away. I don't remember everything he said but I do remember him telling me to "get out of that dress." He took me to school after I had changed into my boy clothes and walked me into the principal's office. He told the principal that he found me at home wearing my sister's dress. I was not feeling "great" at all. In fact, I felt the worst I had ever felt.
Soon afterward we moved to the country. I still don't know if the move was because of that incident or not. While living in the country, I had more freedom to explore this newly found pleasure. I really hadn't started "dressing" very much until I found my older sister's panties in my brother's dresser drawer. I asked him about it and he said "it just feels good sometimes, that's all." This discovery opened the door to me because I had nothing but the greatest respect for my brother's opinion. I started "borrowing" her panties and occasionally her bras. I didn't even think about it I just knew that I felt really good wearing those things. I still had male desires even though I was secretly dressing. Slowly I began to feel really confused about why I liked dressing so much and wanting girl friends.
Dad remarried after a couple of years and we moved back to town. By this time I was in the seventh grade and was glad to be back. I would get my stepmothers clothes out of the hamper that was in the main bathroom and put them on almost every night when I would bathe. By now just the underwear wasn't enough to fulfill my desire to be dressed. I would put on as much as I could get. I even started experimenting with makeup.
This cycle continued until I graduated from high school. I joined the Air Force that summer. I didn't have the opportunity to dress at all while in basic training nor at technical school. I met my first wife while I was at technical school and we were married after I was assigned to my first permanent station. Shortly after I was married, my desire to get "dressed" came back, though I really don't remember it really leaving. This time it was as strong as it had ever been. I didn't dare tell her about it for fear she would tell my parents and co-workers. It probably sounds ridiculous when I say I was afraid she would tell my parents when my dad should have already known. I think he thought the fright that he had given me had "cured" me of all that stuff and we never discussed it, ever! Anyway, I secretly dressed over the twelve years that I was married to my first wife. We had a son and she got custody of him after we were divorced.
My son does not know about my cross dressing and I don't plan on telling him. I do however think my feminine feelings have made me a more tolerant father and a more understanding one. I don't try to force him to "be a man" nor have I tried to make a woman out of him either. I just feel we are more in tune with our feelings than I ever was with my dad.
After my divorce, I got to dress as much as I wished and I did. For the first time in my life there was nobody around to keep me from it. I ordered women's clothes from JC Penny and had a great time wearing them all night without any worry about being caught. I still would not go out dressed in the day, however. Sometimes I would dress and put a large coat over me and go for a drive with the coat opened. I know it sounds stupid but I was feeling as free as I had ever felt and I was loving it. I wish now that I had access to the people that I have met on the Chat line during that period of my life. I felt good when I was dressed but then I would have an emotional crash that would tell me that I was sick and I needed to get my act together. I must have put more perfectly good clothes in the Salvation Army bins during that time than anyone ever has. "Normal" for me is getting to feel as feminine as I like no matter how often I "purge" myself. I still have the same feelings. JC Penny made a lot of money selling me the same outfits repeatedly.
When I was feeling "purged" I would start dating again. I really did enjoy dating and I should have never thought I couldn't do both.
After all, both is just what I am, I'm a male that loves to feel like a female sometimes and a male other times. It has taken me sometime to come to grips with that fact but I feel better about it more each day.
After a couple of years of being single, I met and fell in love with my present wife. She is a great person and I really do love her very much. However, I know her quite well and I am dead certain she would not like the fact that I am a cross dresser. I would never want to lose her respect for me and I will try to keep her from ever getting that chance.
I still dress as often as I can and I really enjoy it.
For a brief time I was working out of town and got the chance to explore new avenues of the T world. I thought I had found a really great place for people like me but now I know it was not! While working out of town I discovered the 900 phone lines for talking to other T folks. I was feeling really good but I was being fooled. I ran up a very large phone bill and came away feeling like dirt! I couldn't believe I had taken something that was so good for me and turned it into such a perversion. When I came to form that experience, I decided that I was never going to be feminine again, ever!
After I got back home again and started a new career in my hometown, I was feeling quite good for several months. Because of my job, I bought a computer for my home and was using Netscape. In the very quiet hours of the late night I would surf all over the world. Somehow I came across the Transgendered Forum site. I think I really was looking for something like it anyway, and eventually discovered the Chat line. I couldn't believe it, I found real people like me and they weren't filthy or liars, they all seemed just like me in so many ways. A great warm feeling came over me and I was hooked. This time however, I think I'm hooked on a great and positive thing and I hope to continue the renewed feminine side of myself. I have "chatted" with real people that are not out for my money and that makes me feel just fine.
I have no idea if my story has any value to anyone. However, I hope you can at the very least get the same feeling I have of being part of a very large picture. From my viewpoint, that picture gets prettier each day I get to spend chatting with all my new friends.
Just write your true story about the first time you knew you were transgender or some other important "first" in your life as a transgender person. Email it to Cindy. Cynthia Smith edits the stories and will be in contact with you. Drop us a line!
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