First Time

Part 4 in a continuing series

Copyright Transgender Forum & Juana Smith 1995

Hi, folks, I'm back again, a little late with the deadline, but I'm back. Before the actual column begins I wanted to thank those of you who have responded to the previous articles. I appreciate any participation by those who are reading First Time. Please keep writing and commenting. Onward.

I recently did something for the first time: I interviewed Veronica, Lulu and Susie in a group setting. While it was difficult (ah, how our minds, and mouths drift far and wide), what came out of the conversation I found very interesting. (And it allowed me some memory play as well, as you shall see).

We talked about a great deal of stuff but what I thought was fun and want to share with you this time is the first time we went to a supportive social environment and what our individual reactions were. I hope that the following is not just entertaining, but is also helpful to those of you who are still waiting for the moment to come when you make a public appearance.

The setting: It was Friday night, we were having pizza and wine...

Veronica (photo with Juana is here) : That reminds me of the first time we went out with me dressed up. I was so nervous about going out dressed that you and I even checked out *Chez Mollet beforehand, making sure that it was going to be okay. We went there the week before just as R--- and Juana to check the place out, to case the joint. And then we went to a social the next week.

I do remember being real worried that night when I went out. We rented a room in an inn for 50 bucks a night because I didn't want my landlord to see me dressed. We went to the hotel and got dressed up. I remember you had bought almost all the clothes; I had gone to **Foxy Lady and bought some shoes.

Anyway, I was scared to death, I was nervous, I was jittery, panicky. We got in the car, drove the few blocks between the inn and the restaurant. I was so nervous we almost missed the restaurant. I pulled up, parked and we went in. I was dry-mouthed, I was shaking, I was sweating. My hands were trembling. When I first got out of the car I felt a great deal of trepidation, I was also expecting disappointment for some reason.

I remember we walked in and talked to the bartender. We had talked to him the week before and this time you walked up to him and reminded him who we were; he had just served us. When he saw me, he was very expressive. Quite honestly there was some concern and his reaction really made me feel great. However, I was still nervous; I had cold chills. I felt better when I put a brandy manhattan to my lips. The first sip of booze going down brought relief. My hands came close to steadying.

Susie (photo of Susie in a costume) : That reminds me of the first time Lulu went to Chez Mollet, he was very nervous, and excited. Like a little kid. I always see him as plain, just T---, but I got to see another side of him that is very exciting to me. Dressing up brings out another side to him. He's silly and fun-fun. He's fun as a guy too but when he's like a girl, it's like a whole other thing takes over. It's really exciting. It's fun to watch, the transformation.

That first night, although he was nervous, the other side took over fast. The environment was so supportive. I was more nervous than he was. I was worried that he would be hurt. I really was worried he would be hurt. But when I saw that group, I saw it was very protective and very supportive and fun. I was still nervous the whole night.

Although I was nervous, I was okay once I was in the restaurant. But going from the car into Chez Mollet was very frightening to me. I mean I envisioned all these people standing out there, waiting to attach, pounce on us. That was my first time too. I had no concept what cross dressing was all about. I had never seen it, I didn't know anything about it.

Lulu (photo of Lulu): It's funny because Susie is the kind of person who gives a little bit different perspective in that I know the nervousness that Veronica's talking about by going. And while she might have been as nervous as I was, Susie kept saying to me, "Come on. Come on, let's go. Let's go. Lets do this, lets get it done."

And I'm thinking, "Before we get out of the car, everything has to be just right to go into this place." I kept thinking, "I'll get out of the car after this person goes passed." Finally I went in.

Once I was inside it was, "Whew." (Lulu produces a big sigh.) And then I thought, "There's a whole bunch of people cross dressed here." That was exciting. Even so, Susie was much more matter of fact about this. Almost taking me by the hand and taking me in.

Veronica: Juana was very supportive in that way too. I'm wondering how many guys get dressed, go down there and never go in. I'm thinking about ETVC socials. If you hadn't been there to sort of push me on, I don't think I would have gone in.

Juana: Well, I might have pushed you a little. But I was nervous. Like Susie. I was more afraid for you than anything else. Not that someone would beat us up but more would you be okay. I remember that when we got there and parked, I looked over at you and you were gripping the steering wheel. Your head was leaning on it and I could tell you were probably thinking, "What am I doing?" I said, "Look, Babe, we don't have to go in. It's enough that you got dressed and got this far. You don't have to go in. Whatever you want to do, do it. We can go back now." I was so scared for R---, I almost wanted to cry. It was real intense.

And I remember looking at your hands, they were trembling, the gripping you were doing wasn't enough to stop the trembling. Then you looked and you said, "I'm ready."

While this kind of interviewing was really new to me and a little hard to do, I don't think without the setting we could have prompted each other's memories. Please feel free to write to me about your memories. And perhaps you might want to explore ideas you would like to see discussed.