First Time

Part 3 in a continuing series

© Juana Smith 1995

Dear Readers,

As I mentioned in my first column, there are few things as emotion-filled as the first time one crossdresses, or even admits the desire to oneself But the first time one shares this desire with someone else is also intensely emotional. While some might think that one's significant other would be the first to be confided in, the relationship one has the most invested in can simply be too valuable to risk disturbing (or losing) by imposing upon it something so misunderstood and maligned. Some choose another outlet, a faceless voice on a telephone for example, as in Kristen 's case.

Kristen: I guess it was in April 1992, when I finally decided I needed to tell someone. I had just decided I was going to come out..in some way, any way. I didn't know about the existence of clubs for transvestites but somehow I ran across ETVC's hotline number, and I thought, "Wow, I've got to check this out." when I called' Rachel answered. It was really weird. I had this fit of paranoia I was afraid they were tapping my phone or something. No one else in the universe knew about my wanting to cross dress, so telling that first person was totally scary to me.

I just knew I could be blackmailed, but I remember Rachel telling me, "Oh, this group meets in San Francisco, in a gay restaurant. Don't worry about it; just go." I was in luck, because there was a meeting the very next night. And I went.

Kristen has since shared her cross dressing with her significant other. Now they both come to socials. Pauli, like Kristen, also relied on "the kindness of strangers.

Pauli: Do you know the Pacific Center? It's a place for gay men and women to have rap sessions. Back in '78 or '77 first started going because my life was really screwed up. I didn't know who or what I was. I went for a lot of years in denial. ..that I was gay...that I was a cross dresser; just really tried to put it down. But it was getting to the point that life was just kind of a mess. I hail to do something about it. So I went to a rap group, and talked about all this stuff including crossdressing [for] the first time. In fact, that was the night that I met the man that I've been living with for the last 16 years. I let it all out. Oh god, you can't imagine what the relief was. Up until that point, it wasn't a full life. I went to work, I did other things, but I didn't have relationships with anybody. That's when my life stared.

Unlike Kristen's and Pauli's experiences of suddenly sharing with strangers, Cindy was able to enjoy the luxury of initial hinting to a friend outside the transgender community.

Cindy: The first person outside the community I told was a woman that I'd known for a long time. We worked together a lot and quite closely on Sunday nights when it's just a skeletal crew. We felt very simpatico, and we would talk. It was clear to me that she was very open-minded and was also kind of looking at the gender thing herself. Anytime I would raise things that were even peripherally about male/female differences we would have these wonderful conversations. Of course, I would steer them towards things that were transgender.

Eventually, we talked about it quite directly. I told her that I knew a couple of transvestites and transsexuals. She found this fascinating and asked me questions about them. It became clear to me that if I were going to tell anybody, she would be a good person. I was trying to figure a way to do it when finally one night, as she was on the way out the door, I thought, "I'm going to say something to her right now."

"Say, before you leave, there's something l need to tell you. You know how l told you that l know two or three transvestites and transsexuals? Well, actually, I know two or three hundred." She thought that was hilarious. So I said, "I know these people because I'm a transvestite myself." She wasn't surprised at all. She told me that I had given her enough hints that I might as well have had it tattooed on top of my head. She had a lot of interesting questions. We're still great friends.

Despite the fear, denial and general tensions that accompany the sharing of something rejected by most of our peers, these stories demonstrate what great value there is in sharing one's desires. Admitting to one's self and others is an empowering action. Admission allows the cross dresser to live more fully.. Admission also has societal value. By breaking through the social constraints and limitations that isolate us and make us cower we can all live more honestly and free.

Transgender Forum and Juana Smith welcome true "First Time" stories. If you would like to contribute, simply contact Cindy and she will pass on your story to Juana who will contact you later via e-mail. All submissions MUST include a valid e-mail so that the writer may be contacted. Confidentiality is assured and your e-mail address will not be published.