First Time

Part 2 in a continuing series

by Juana Smith

In February, 1992, I went to my first ETVC social with my significant other, Veronica. At the end of that evening, much of the uncertainty and some of the mystery had been transformed into certainty and familiarity.

The first time events in a person's life, whether good, bad, happy, sad or totally unforeseen, are always the most deeply etched in the mind and clutched closest to the heart.

Cindy Martin

Cindy Martin is well known as ETYC's former president. When I asked her about her earliest memory of wanting to cross dress, there was no hesitation, because it was, as she says, "a very, very strong memory." The following is an abridged version of her response.

"I was probably about four, no older than that. I lived in a household [in which] there were a lot of women, definitely the majority. I don't know what it was that led me to be kind of interested in how they were. It was more how they WERE than what they WORE for me. But I can remember being about four years old and taking a bath and wrapping this towel around me, sort of like a skirt. That really clicked. It felt right. I felt at that moment I was female... like them.

"I don't remember anyone else being in the room. It was almost like everything was as it always was, you know, I'm in the water, I'm getting out and then it was like I reached for this towel and it was almost like I was enveloped in this sort of bubble, where everything outside of it just sort of melted. Everything was inside this bubble around me.

"The strongest sort of sense that I have, was like a sense of belonging with them and to them. It was totally comfortable and fun and exactly right and I knew, to me, what it symbolized. I felt that I was female like them, at least inside."

Veronica Smith

I next interviewed Veronica Smith, my spouse. Although she has been open with me about cross-dressing since January 1992 (one month before attending her first ETVC social) I knew very little about her earliest experiences. What a golden opportunity to ask her about her first desire to cross dress! Like Cindy, Veronica's earliest memory of wanting to cross dress begins when she is four, but unlike Cindy, it does not begin as a moment in time.

"I guess I can't remember ever not wanting to. It's one of those things that's been part of my personality as long as I can remember. I don't know when the first time [was that] I thought of it; because it's like the first time I walked, like the first time I was aware of myself. As long as I can remember I wanted to. There never was a moment where I said, 'This is what I want to do. -

"I think I‚ve been infatuated with females since was four years old. I remember wanting to know about the female clothes when I was four years old. I wasn't in school yet.

I kissed [a] girL and part of that kissing was wanting to know what was under her clothes. There was just the fascination of the clothes and all things female. I remember my hand tingling as I touched the fabric of her dress, and just an overall excitement. It's all connected to the female somehow. There was just something magical about touching Female and something magical about touching her clothes, too. Sort of like a fetish, both the female and things female had power over me, an aura of magic and fascination."

Kristen St. James

The final response is from Kristen St. James, who attended her first ETVC meeting in April 1992. Her memory provides us with a third, unique perspective.

"I remember I was four years old, trying on, I think it was a gray wool, pleated tennis skirt that was my older sister's. It was hopelessly too big I remember being frustrated that it didn't fit properly. I didn't understand that she was a bigger person than me. That one is very distinctly at four.

"I was alone. I think, I'm not sure, but I think I might have been caught red-handed. But I'm not sure. I don't remember exactly that, but I am sure that I knew it was forbidden. I wasn't supposed to be doing it. For some reason I knew that I wasn't supposed to be doing it. I remember that at that time. And I think that the forbidden aspect of it was part of the excitement. Probably, like a kick from doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. Probably the fear of being caught. Probably guilt or shame. But I can't be positive that's what I was feeling"

Would you like to tell us your "First Time" story? It's easy.

Just write your true story about the first time you knew you were transgender or some other important "first" in your life as a transgender person. Email it to Cindy. Cynthia Smith edits the stories and will be in contact with you. Drop us a line!

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