Topics: How has awareness of being transgender affected your sex/social life?
Differences between TV & TS?
Why Do TVs Dress Like It's Always Prom Night?
Is there anyone who has passed this phase and gone on, or given it up? Don't get me wrong, I love the scene, but its getting a bit flat. I'd like to hear from any others with an opinion on all this..
Lotsa love,
Stella / London, UK
Email:100707,3175@compuserve.com
Although I once thought it an interesting notion to "date" a man and get the royal feminine treatment (and so I put out an ad and got some responses), I was so revolted by the shear crap proposals that I gave up on the idea. Getting to know someone and warm up to them seemed to be out. Maybe women are right about men after all? That was my conclusion - although it is probably unfair since the sample was rather limited. If others have had similar realizations I'd like to hear about them.
Audrey Douglas in Portland
an166026@anon.penet.fi
Actually, I think the answer is like one of those funny little math problems statisticians get so excited about. Most of us when we start want to have that prom night we never got. The only problem is that this always occurs when we start crossdressing, not when we have had many years experience. The result is that being the novices which we are at the beginning leads to ummm, imperfections is the nicest way to put it, making us easily readable. As we get more experienced, it becomes harder to read us, after all we become as good at putting on make-up as most women. I know that I often have stop myself groaning at the job my girlfriend does on her face. At the same time as perfecting our skills, we also get over this prom night urge thing, which means that a lot of TVs walk around with their antennas tuned to.., umm walk around without ever being noticed at all, as the blend in to the background. What I am trying to say in short is that it seems like a lot of transvestites dress like it is prom night because they are inexperienced, and hence the ones who get noticed a lot.
Just a few long-winded thoughts...
Allicyn
Second is the notion that there is conscious control over this is a bit far-fetched. And finally, there is the question of the changes in our desires over time and across situations.
There is no comparing the agony of a tv to a ts --it is the same and different, it is apples and oranges --or can be. A tv may hide clothes, dresses in secret, and worries about community judgement. The ts is confused and frustrated and out of synch with her body, but is 'suffering' from a medical illness and the medical profession now has the technology to 'cure.' Sorry...no comparison.
Ted
My social life however may have suffered. I wear my nails and hair very long compared to other men and don't have much body hair. I feel rather self concious sometimes, feeling people are looking at the clear nail polish or the hairless arms. Only two people, both men whos opinion meant little to me, have made remarks though and I've been like this for 8 years. I especially feel it at work. Perhaps I've been turned down for some promotions because of my apperance. Or, more likely, I may be using IT as an excuse for not getting promoted.
I'd say my life is actually better since I accepted the fact that I'm a tranvestite.
Jennifer
Email: jennifer@raven.cybercom.com
I transitioned a little over 3 years ago and my employer has been behind me most every step of the way. Again, I'm fortunate. How does the saying go? "There but for the grace of God go I."
Anyway on last weeks question, on whether all TV's are TS Wanabees? In my opinion, experience and from what I have read - gender ( identity and role ) and sexual preference tend to lie on a continuum. I think it depends where someone is in the continuum, and the stresses on that individual. I've heard some animals/organisms in a stressful or single-sex environment are capable of sex transformation. Who's to say that's not possible here? Possibly we all search for the balance in our lives - and for some that may mean becoming who they know themselves to be - a woman, man or inbetween , or maybe in recognizing their basic male or female sexual identity - but expressing gender roles that make them comfortable or aroused. And all areas in between.
This weeks question on the effect of transgenderism on social/sexual functioning?
In my journey - and obviously I can speak only for myself - I learned that
whatever issues I had previous transition and then surgery, whether they be
shyness, depression, struggles with anger or intimacy, whatever, I still had
them afterwards. However - I accepted that and knew that before hand. The
peace I feel with my body now is something I wish everyone could feel and
that possibly no one should be denied. But I still have horrid ( bad hair )
days - go figure
Socially? I was having lunch with a girlfriend of mine 2 years ago at work and I was truly surprised when she told me she had worked there longer than I had. I told her I didn't recall ever seeing her before. "I'm not surprised", she said, "I used to pass you everyday on the skywalk or at lunch but you never looked up or even said hi." I was stunned. Then she told me how everyone in her department was stunned at the difference in how I walked, held my head up, said hi. I am still shy and anxious when going to parties and social functions - but I have gone to more in the last 3 years than in the previous 30 - just takes time I guess.
Sexual? Give me time . . . theres a man out there for me - a soulmate if you will.
I have 30 years of love and caring stored up - scary almost. Anyway, I'll find him - but that is another exciting and frightening journey in itself, with lots to learn.
I wish all of you well, thanks for letting me add my cents worth. I love E-Mail - but find it hard finding the time to reply to all of it.
Patti
My awareness of being T* has not had a major impact on my life! I "came out" to my wife earlier this year, she's understanding but not really accpeting and tolerant. I do find that our intimate relations seem to suffer a bit because I (mentally) wish I could be on "her side" of the bed (lingerie, perfume, makeup, etc.) during some of our love-making! Enough for now! Please feel free to write!
Email: LUV2GIRL@aol.com (aka Gini)
Email to:
wscott@nyx.cs.du.edu
He didn't. I felt rejected and hurt. I guess I had something of a crush on him, and I wanted him to turn into Rhett Butler. Since then, I wouldn't even let a girlfriend talk me into wearing one of her nighties, because I was afraid she'd know how much I liked wearing it.
krista
Melody.
Linda
Email: lindacd9@aol.com
Annalise, UK
Not meaning to IFGE-bash, but the first issue of Tapestry I read had one article that defined things for newbies .. including essentially defining transvestites the way the above question asked .. I formed my own opinion of IFGE on the spot when I read that.
-Kara
I apologize for not having read all the posted bulletins on the internet. In brief however I just thought a few comments from my positon as a post-op might apply to some of my new sisters out there in cyber-space.
Personally I feel this whole phenomena does not just involve dressing up in a prom dress to "feel pretty" for the day or and evening out. Speaking for myself it has been a MIND SET that I have had for a very, very long time since I was young. I remember hearing about Renee Richards years ago, then thinking that this was the type of person I wanted to be. (Be careful for what you wish for, it could come true !).
Now only recently being in my late 30's have I had the courage and fiances to face the world and become the person whom I always wanted to be. I am now a woman legally, physically and mentally. In so doing I have all but faded away from the gender scene and support groups, except for an occasional visit online with my computer to see what others are up to. I believe when you finally complete your transition you too will also want to fade away from the weekly meetings of the gender centers and gay bars. Lets face it, does your mother or sister have to go to gender meetings ?
Then why should you ? If you want to be a sucess as a woman then you need to be in the real world with other women. Since the good Lord has given me a second chance at the life I have always wanted, I have become involved in my local church.
It gives me a great feeling of success to be welcomed into the circles with the other women there. I am not saying Church is the answer to anything but it has been a big help for me. As many of you know, you must be prepared to give up everyting.
Yes "everything" to do this (ie: family, friends & more). So my new friends at church have become an important part of my life because they have no idea of my past life, and if they suspect something. They do not know for sure, so I don't volunteer the information.
In summary, you can become anything you want to be in this life if you try hard enough and work towards that goal. If you are inclinded to follow my path in life, then stride to transition with grace, not disgrace.
Warmest Regards to all.
Carol Louise Carolk38@AOL.com
Lots of whispers and finger pointing and the like. My friend pretends to be obliviou to it all but I know she is all too aware.
My main problem is that I tend to get very angry at the people making these comments and I often feel like telling them to f*** off but I don't want to cause a scene for her sake. Basically I would like some coping skills/suggestion from you or any one else that can help.
Please e-mail me at this address
But many transsexuals are also transvestites who think that the nature of of what/who they are would be helped by becoming extremely advanced... having the surgery to match the mindset that they have while dressed. The only thing the surgery will do in that case is become the catalyst for a great deal of regret on the part of the person in question... and it is not easily reversible....
While we revel in labels [don't know why myself] the sad fact is that these labels only serve the ends of those who want to seperate and destroy the'community' [such as it is].
Randi L.A. Dennis
Thank you
Robbie
I believe the cause lies with the fact that numerous terms are so poorly understood by so many people. Among these terms are: sex/gender/orientation. There are also many bases/causes/motivations for TG. There are social, psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual elements that all contribute to a massive 'soupiness' about transgenderism. Few who are TG knew they were TG from early childhood.
It's only later in life that most of us come out of denial and accept that we have true conflicts within ourselves--that it won't just go away or resolve itself by trying to forget about it. With all the guilt, social stigma, and personal agony that we go through, with all the battles we fight within ourselves, with the difficulty explaining to ourselves--let alone others who share no common experience-- 'how' or 'why' we are 'what' we are (after we've finally resolved 'what' we are--or think we have), with all the various manifestations of 'trans____' (TV/TG/TS/T?) it's no wonder to me that others who are entirely content with their genetic sex, assigned gender role, and socially-accepted orientation would have trouble understanding what a transgendered person is.
(another comment about "prom" night--getting all dolled up gets us mentally as far away from being male as possible. If I could look as feminine completely nude, I might die of contentment)
About an old topic: TG & heterosexualism.
I don't think there will ever be an accepted majority opinion on exactly what would make a heterosexual TG. I personally am most attracted to M/F sexual activity, though I also find interest in F/F activity. However, I'm personally repulsed by the thought of M/M sexual contact. I've fantasized considerably about sex with a woman--a fair number of times with me participating as a genetic woman. Here's the catch: these last years, I grown into fantasizing most of the time as a genetic woman having sex with a basically nameless/faceless man. I yearn to participate completely as a woman. However, if the image enters my mind of my male body (something of an 'ick') in sexual contact with another male body (really icky), the allure disappears. With a male image, I lose interest in men. If I had a female body, I would be attracted to heterosexual activity (and admittedly, some lesbian activity as well).
I figure I'm heterosexual in my psyche, but perhaps others would disagree. I've considered, but honestly don't believe that
Crystal
Part of my explanation is that I believe this is more of a perception than it is full fact. When most people actually "see" TGs dressed, they see us dressed to the nines (I suppose I should know precisely what that expression means, but forgive me, I don't). I believe it's easier to see some of the less noticeable incongruities in a revealing prom dress, than in well-chosen casual or business wear. I believe I pass pretty well and don't get noticed when I'm just 'Jane Doe' in the public eye. But when I call attention to myself in an attention-grabbing formal, close scrutiny reveals that I'm not what I want to be. I guess what I'm trying to say is that just SEEMS like so many TGs dress like it's ALWAYS prom night.
Another part of my explanation is this: Many TGs are seen only at special occasions, when then have been given special 'license' (by themselves, or by someone else) to be dressed in public. Therefore, the occasion becomes a gala event. Much anticipation and energy is put into being as pretty as possible, with the realization that the event will not last all day, so practicality is not so much an issue--rather, we do what the movie starlets do, and dress in a manner that would not be considered casual or business wear. Why do the movie stars get all dressed up for awards ceremonies? It's a time for one to attempt to feel as beautiful as possible. You may be seing alot of emotional salve applied when a TG is having a night out on the town. Costumes of one form or another have often been used to celebrate a special evening.
Unfortunately, this naturally promotes a sense of "can we do a reality check here?" from those who dress however they want (or need to) dress, day-in and day-out. If you spent every minute of the day with me, you would find that while I have numerous formals, I spend the least amount of my time in them--they're just not practical for every-day wear.
-Crystal
Elizabeth
As any honest TV that looks at herself in the mirror can attest, it is the narcissistic beauty that gets us all excited. The idea that one can take the luxury to prepare for something as frivolous as the Prom and then admire the handywork. It is the ultimate in "girlishness" to fuss over these things in our minds. It's just plain sexy. Besides, what girl didn't want to lose it on Prom night?
Email: Aurora
Linda
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