Bulletin Board Posts

Early July 1995

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Topics: What is the toughest thing about being transgender? Can TGs really be straight?

This is a hard one. If one is attracted to a woman (eg your wife) before SRS, you would be heterosexual, at least biologically speaking. Then after SRS, if your attraction remains the same, you become homosexual, socially speaking, although biologically ("chromosomically")-speaking you are still heterosexual. This is of course oversimplified and will not apply equally to all.

For example, one might have had latent or surpressed homosexuality before SRS, which may come to the fore after SRS and when previous social bariors have been removed - does one then become heterosexual?

So I believe we will have to define heterosexual carefully if we are not to talk at cross purposes on this one.

- Heidi

Yes...I consider myself a heterosexual transgendered person. I've dressed all my life, but only this year have I come to the realization that I've been suppressing a very strong female side of my being. With the help of my wife, I've been able to gain the confidence to function in a number of public situations as a female...even at the beach! I've never had or wanted a homosexual experience, and I'm totally faithful to my wife. Although I consider my inner self to be at least 50 per cent female, I'm not considering formal hormone therapy or SRS. I think, however, that if I did become more of a woman physically I would still be attracted solely to women. Linda

To me the issue of a man cross-dressing revolves around the terms: "feminine" versus "effemininate". The former refers to a man who's mind and spirit are female. The latter refers to gay men who like doing drag, but who have male minds and spirits. Thus, no matter how much an effemininate male immitates a female's dress, makeup, manner, etc., it is simply a parody of the female mystique. A femininemale, on the other hand, is always hetrosextual, because he loves the female spirit. Having a female mind, he naturally gravitates toward wearing female clothing - feeling more naturally comfortable in them, but the center of his sexual attention will always be a woman. As stated by others, that would technically make all true feminine males lesbians.

What's the toughest thing about being transgendered?

Telling people. It never gets any easier, even after SRS. In fact after SRS it gets agonizing to be risking the acceptance people have of you as a woman when it's something you've struggled for for so long. Some people think you've "deceived" them.

It's especially hard when applied to sexual relationships - I can't begin to describe the difficulty of having to tell a man you love that your past isn't exactly the way he might have imagined it. If you don't love them there's no problem, but then if you don't love them why tell them? And if you do love them, and you tell them, what then? (do I ever identify with that scene in "The Crying Game" where Stephen Rea pushes Jaye Davidson away!).

Post-surgery there's a temptation to believe that all the struggle is behind you. Life _does_ get better, but believe me transsexualism is a problem that never entirely goes away.

Julie

Kevin:
"Heterosexual" was April's choice of term, which set the premise.
I think I made my view clear that heterosexual has no real application because most of us are bi, some are gay, and a few are truly transgendered.
If you are comfortable being intimate with both your wife and a shemale, that's fine. (I have similar tasts, so who am I to object? ;-)
But, we part company in saying that such is heterosexual behavior. Like it or not, common usage and definitions are part of social structure. Rather than try to change the generally accepted definitions, we are far better off just getting accepted (or at least tolerated) whether or not "they" call us bisexuals.
Cordially,
Wendi,

I agree with several other comments - acceptance at a ccomfortable level from your wife (/ SO). I have read elsewhere that there are even times when you talk to your wife, she grudgingly accepts, then you don't do anything more because you feeel guilty about possibly hurting her. My situation.
I hope to accelerate the level at which she's comfortable but it is slow and difficult. If she's ever accepting of the way I feel, it would be a large burden off my heart.
Thank you Cindy for being here!

To me the toughest thing about TG is the lack of understanding and tolerance both within and outside the TG community. The thing that triggered this posting was the post from Wendi stating she couldn't understand how a TG could not be gay or bi.
I am M2f CD and strongly hetero. I don't claim to understand it but I accept it as I accept the right of gays and bis to be what they are and to be accepted. Research I've seen indicates that 10% or less of TGs are gay or bi. We need to understand and accept that gender orientation can be and often is separate from sexual orientation.
What the TG community needs most in my opinion is caring, understanding, and acceptance within the TG community. If we cannot understand, care for, and accept each other, how can we possibly hope to gain acceptance from the non-TG community who already only has the distortions of TV shows to go on?

I have read both comments posted by Wendi and Kevin concerning Straignt vs BI for men who "dress". As for me when I do get the chance (unfortunately not as offten as I would like) I take the oportunity with great gusto. When dressed a change comes over me mentaly and emotionaly. My Cindy or Cynthia (when formal) is their alive and well. She can be shy, reserved and emotional all at the same time. But when it comes to the sexual side of her nature she would be considered a lesbian. The though of another man is not in question. The toughts she/we have are as straight as they can be.

The hardest part is balancing the needs of the self with the needs of the significant otthers in my life. If I were completely unattached, I would have had SRS long ago. But I am not. I cannot do something so profound without considering what it would do to my mother and more importantly, my daughter. It is the struggle between the selfish desire to be what I feel I really am and the selfless responsibility to be to those who love me, what I have always been to them.
Evie

B obbi's posting touched me deeply and I would like to respond with my own feelings to perhaps help those of us, like her and I, who have fallen into the same trap. One word: Tradition. It's as powerful as any religion and their beliefs. Almost impossible to break or escape. Instilled in us from childhood by parents, teachers, peer groups, and the almighty advertising campaigns. I could preach and offer pep talks but time and space won't allow. From my own experience I can say briefly we are entering an age of chaos. On one side of the spectrum a grass roots movement to return to "traditional" family values and social reform, the other a movement driven by strong desires to be indivdualistic and to fulfill one's desires. Two opposing forces which are both incompatible and acceptable. That's chaos.

In response to Wendi's post I have to say she makes a good argument as well as a good point. However, in defense of the "hetrosexual" man let me say this. Under certain unforeseen circumstances we hetrosexual men are capable of doing things or becoming something we previously thought impossible.

For instance, and I have told a couple of my close pen-pals this already, my wife and I have had many encounters and social meetings with the T* community down here. Some of, in fact most of the ladies we've met are so stunningly beautiful I would not hesitate to date any of them who would be willing to date me, if I wasn't already married, ofcourse. Their true identity would not bother me at all.

Does this make me bi-sexual? Technically, yes, however I don't and I wouldn't own up to it because I see them as women and in the privacy of the bedroom they would still be women to me.

A second example would be my enjoyment of wearing ladies undergarments and bedtime attire. I find them comfortable, sensual and a sexual turn on. I don't see this as "mocking" women, nor would I want to. I'm glad to see uni-sex clothing taking off. I'm far from the point of dressing en-femme in public but I enjoy the figure hugging uni-sex stuff you would find in the Gap and International Male stores. I enjoy fashionable flashy clothing over the typical drab male oriented rags we men are "FORCED" to wear by SOCIETY'S standards(my pet pieve).

So Wendi, I think we should drop the "hetrosexual" lable. We "men" have tendencies we are yet unaware of until the right time comes along. But keep the fire stoked. I love a "civilized" argument.

Sincerely yours, always.

Kevin

B eing late to comment makes it rather difficult. I think the comments from Katrina and Bobbi really reflect my experience, as did so many others. A problem I have struggled with is that I might be sinning! To some this may sound silly. The Bible clearly states that it is wrong for a man to wear woman's clothes (Deuteronomy). Mentally I have learned that that instruction applied to idolatrous practices of the time and are not part of the new covenant - but am I not simply looking for excuses?

Concerning April Theresa Hamblett lamenting about the rigors of being a male heterosexual crossdresser:

This is just my personal view, of course. As a bisexual crossdresser, I just don't understand why a truly heterosexual male would crossdress. It seems to be a mocking women, and putting them down. On the other hand, bi, gay and transgendered crossdressers have a genuine inner need to express the woman within. That has a real purpose since, to varying degrees, these types of males either want to be a woman, or want to be as a woman for "her" man. These needs can genuinely be met only by crossdressing or other related transitions to the female-self.

Why would a heterosexual male have such a pressing need to express his female-self, to the extent of having to appear dressed in public? It seems to be contradictory to his heterosexuality, if nothing else. Or, do these crossdressing heterosexual males think they can redefine male heterosexuality?

I just don't get it. Either many professed heterosexual crossdressers are kidding themselves (and us) or they have some need I just cannot understand. I think a lot of them are "bi," but just won't admit it.

Wendi

The toughest thing for me is having this separate self and not being able to share her with friends whou could appreciate her. Because then I burden them with the secret. Also, there is the danger of exposure and the damage it would cause in professional circles. Of course, there's the problem of trying to find decent fashion in a size 18!!! Talk about a burden! ;) (I really liked Kristina's comments, also.) p.s. Cindy, you're wonderful! Take a bow! (A sweet curtsey would make a nice graphic) Could you add timestamps to the messages?
-sally nelson

The hardest part of being transgendered? Probably living with the fact that I didn't realize it much earlier in life and missing the course it could have taken me. Now, don't get me wrong, life is still pretty wonderful for me, but one is always haunted by thoughts of what could have been. Otherwise, getting a good picture of myself! ;-) I don't think I'm too photogenic en femme.
Paulette

Getting out of the house dressed.

I can remember being in grade school and enjoying art, poetry, and music. I was told by my parents that there was no future for a man in these areas. By this they meant that a man in these areas would be unable to support a family. To satisfy my parents, I concentrated on math and the sciences, hiding my real interests. (Question: are men and women forced by society at a very young age to accept the left-right brain thought control domination techniques?)

I can remember as a child playing house with a group of girls - my friends.

One of them would often loan me a doll so that I would have a "baby" too.

The boys in the neighborhood teased me no end about this. I gave in, and started participating in little-boy activities - sports, games, competitions; shying away from what I really wanted to be doing. (Question: how many times do we hide what we would really like to do, and go along with the group? How do these hidden needs/desires eventually manifest themselves?)

I can remember church functions where the girls wore white lace dresses that were so beautiful. I remember wishing that I could wear one too. Being grouped with the boys, I couldn't even tell any of the girls how beautiful their outfits were. Once when I did try, one of the other boys heard me, and started all of the other boys making fun of me and calleing me sissy.

(Question: why can't pretty and delicate things be openly and honestly admired by men?)

I can remember in high school when I would have given anything to be a cheerleader (they were all female). They were such a lively group outgoing, friendly, involved. They shared everything with one another.

Instead, I participated in male sports, learning the "king of the hill" approach to doing things with no regard for the feelings of others.

(Question: why must men avoid establishing relationships and openly sharing feelings with others? Why is this so taboo? Why are terms like "best", "biggest", ...est" so important to men?)

I can remember my wife having each of our children. I would describe my condition during these times as an emotional roller coaster. I loved my wife and each of my children, but I hurt so bad inside knowing that I would never be able to have a baby of my own. While my wife was in the hospital after delivery, I can remember crying myself to sleep over this.

I can remember my wife nursing some of our children. My love for my wife never faultered, however, a tear could frequently be seen in my eye at these times. I also knew that I would never be able to nurse my baby.

I am in my late 40's now, and when I think back to these incidents, and many, many others not listed here, I can see some obvious patterns. Through the years, I have let the accepted norms of society rule my life. I have hidden my true feelings and accepted how society wanted me to act and feel. I have built up quite a convincing masculine wall to hide my innermost fellings and desires. I have also left my true feeling undeveloped.

As a result, I do not believe anyone truly knows me, and I definitely know that I have never been able to be myself with anyone. For me, this has resulted in a tremendous inner loneliness. It has only been recently (in the past 6 months) that I have realized how lonely I actually am.

Right now I do not know whether I would call myself a TS or a TV. I have only begun accepting myself for what I am and am trying to make myself aware of my true feelings. I am trying very hard to understand my feelings. I do know that something deep inside leans toward the female side. I do not know how I know this.

Bobbi
Fort Lauderdale, FL

Choice topic! What's toughest? Well I assume it's different for each of us - but for me it's doing it all on my own. Doing it alone as a frightened kid. Doing it alone as a confused teenager. Coming to terms with it as a young adult. Doing it alone because your wife is tolerant, but really doesn't want to SEE it. Yes - I know that there are support organisations. But for some of us they aren't an possibility. At least TGF is!
wscott@nyx.cs.du.edu

I feel that Katrina hit it right on the head. People's comments, when they don't know about your desires and leanings, express their true feelings. That makes it more difficult when you want to come out, as you already in many cases, have experienced indirectly the disapproval of those you care about.
Also, I find not always being able to dress as I want when I want to be an extreme annoyance. Many is the time I could use the personal comfort I find when dressed.
I like to keep my legs shaved and that can present problems especially in the warm weather or when one visits the Doctor. Nothing may be said but the questionable look is there.
Keep up the good work Cindy. This a real enjoyable place.
Carol Ann

The hardest thing for me is not being able to come home and put on the clothes I would like. Also in South Africa there are still not a lot of places we can go openly.
Karen James
E-Mail Address : karenj@infoware.co.za

I think I know where Brenda is coming from. What is it about wives for God's sake! Do we screem and holler when they put on an old pair of Levi's 501 jeans and some old flannel shirt and a pair of Nike's? Hell no. Why? Ever since the turn of the century and especially when women won the right to vote society, with the help of Madison Ave., has taught us it's OK for women to wear men's clothing, but God forbid men from wearing womens clothing. Change does not seem eminent either. I asked my wife several times and hinted that I would like to get my ear pierced. I had to duck and take cover!! BTW, her favorite soap star, Bo Brady on DOOL, wears a pierced ear ring and he plays a cop! My wife loves him! I say "see he has a ear ring!", she says "But he's a soap star!" Go figure that one out my firends. >:-(
Those of you who know me already, (and Cindy was going to post an article I wrote), know that I and my wife accept and support your community. You're all a bunch of good people whom we find lots of fun to be with and make great friends. We associate with many down here in San Diego and frequent a few clubs which are frequented by many of the TG community. But the wife draws the line there.
I know I said I was non-participating. Well 95% non-participating is more the truth. I do wear female night time attire and under garments to bed, and I do remove all my body hair regularly (because of the sport I'm in). I wear the female undergarments to bed because they feel good and are more comfortable than the male attire. My pet peeve is fairness. Why should men be uncomfortable to satisfy the establishment? Why should only women wear the opposite sex's clothing?
I think I know what it is! It just hit me! Did any of you see "Junior"? Where Arnold gets pregnant? If you did, there's this seen where Arnold breaks the news to his future girl friend. She's get raging angry and says something to the effect "You men have taken everything from us and now you've taken this from us as well!!" Meaning a man getting pregnant symbolizes the ultimate "slap in the face" for women. They want to keep what little they have left to their women hood, including the outwardly appearence. That's got to be it!
This is Kevin saying hang in there girls, we all understand a little more about our wives now.

Are you kidding? The toughest thing about being transgendered to me is shopping!

The toughest thing about being cross gendered is i don't understand what i should be male or female. I currently cross dress to feel comfortable but even then i do not feel comfortable. I love the feeling of being female but i feel like i have to be male. I have thought about ending it all then i would be free of the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be female. I keep going on though. I think one day I will feel at ease with myself and my feelings I am currently looking for support but it is hard to come out and tell anyone about my feelings and how I like to be a female. I would like to know if their is anyone else ( Im sur there is) that feels this way please E Mail at trac32@mail.ip.portal.com

Having to live a life seperate from friends and family sometimes and never really knowing if all that your doing is really the way to find peace of mind.

The toughest thing for me is experiencing and knowing a truly self confident optimism and self satisfaction in life, sport, business and pleasure, and not being able to openly express how to obtain this quality to other people that I know and meet. Also very frustrating is the fact that the mystery is available to everyone. An opened mind and heart are all that are required, to unlock the rewards. Regards, P. Arden

I am 26 now and have cross-dressed since I was little. (Not really knowing what It was leading to at the time) I stopped from about 7 to 16 when I started again. Mostly lingerie. I have never gone out in public dressed in womens clothes. So I guess the hardest part for me is the anxiety of wanting to go outside. Really bad I want to dress up sexy and go outside. But I won't unless I can be very convincing. I have some dresses and stuff, but nothing that doesn't look like it's from a thrift store. (Most of it is.) None of my friends and family know, nor do I wish them too, at least not now. My urge to be around people like me is very strong. Any hints or advice would be appreciated. I've done this for a while, but am still very inexperienced. Ricki NLFC66A@PRODIGY.COM

The most depressing thing is having to dress in the clothes of the wrong gender in order to go to work. At least some of the undergarments are those of the appropriate gender. Peace is reaching home at night and allowing my real self to surface from the confusion and play-acting of the day's grind. Oh well perhaps one day I'll just turn up as the real me. Hugs, Danni.

The inability to express your true feelings without fear of retribution. There are days when I ache to be able to walk around campus dressed in a light skirt because I feel free and skirts have always expressed that feeling in me. Other days and other places, especially at home I cannot open up to my wife. She knows but so far is unaccepting. Always hiding is the worst part, always wanting is the biggest pain. Brenda B.

The toughest thing about being transgendred,
is being what your parents fear,
what you family hates,
and what your friends disgust.
When they make a comment that really hurts you, and they don't even know,
and they would have never made it if they knew,
but it clearly shows how they really feel.
Katrina

I'm jumping at the honor and hoping to be one of the first entries of this BBS to congratulate Cindy and her staff on the fabulous job they have done putting this internet web forum together. I enjoy reading it as much as any tangible magazine I've ever held in my hands. This is coming from a non-participating but very supportive individual of the TG community. Some of you already know me but I want all of you to know me and write to me. I love making new friends and conversing about any topic on your mind and mine.

Kevin from San Diego

For me it has been confusion over my sexual orientation. I cross dressed from an early age and when I got into my early teens I certainly had no doubts that my desire was for women. When I was around 13 my father caught me dressed and said "Stop it, or you'll become a queer". This had the effect of making me doubt my sexuality as oppossed to stopping the dressing.

Today, I've tried to discover what my sexuality is. I certainly find it difficult to perform sexualy without somekind of female clothing. I do love women, sexualy. I've tried to experiment with men, but both occassions have been disasters. Not because of the physical side, but the emotional as they've left me feeling like a piece of meat - like most girls, I like to cuddle and be held after the event. I also only find men attractive when I'm en femme. So, I still don't know.

The internal struggle this has generated within me has been the most difficult thing to deal with as it still isn't resolved. One day, I hope I can.

Michelle
ELLISS@SNOFS1.ENET.DEC.COM

Other Comments & Questions?- Email to: cindy@tgforum.com

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