I see both sides of this argument, and I find myself caught in the middle of it. I am in the Los Angeles area, yet even in this urban setting, there are only a handful of transgender support groups. So I know many people in smaller areas often find themselves hours away from any support at all. It makes sense then that transgender groups be open to all for that reason alone.
On the other hand, while cross-dressers and transsexuals have some common points of interest, few transsexuals wish to listen to hours of passing stories or where to buy breast forms. I am also quite sure that most cross dressers don't wish to hear endless conversations regarding insurance coverage for sex re-assignment surgery or triumphs and failures about transitioning on the job.
Over a year ago, a well-known support group in the L.A. area called the Pansocial Center ceased operations. It was open to all, but discussion was generally centered around issues concerning transsexuals. Now, the nearest TS support group I know of is a two hour drive, and without a car, it is virtually impossible for me to attend.
Recently, a cross-dressing friend of mine invited me to a local Tri-Ess meeting as a guest. Upon calling the director of the group, I was informed that since I was neither a "heterosexual cross-dresser" nor the significant other of one, that policy prevented me from attending. I called my friend and cancelled our plans to both our disappointment.
This raised great concern in my mind. After three years of full-time transition, a support group for me would likely be beneficial, though not an absolute necessity. But what about the person who's just beginning to come to terms with their gender identity?
If all of the very few support groups available screened everyone as to being a cross-dresser or transsexual before they can attend, then this person faced with more questions than answers about his/herself would need to come to an unequivocal resolution about their gender identity before attending any peer support group. This would be very inconvenient at best, and absolutely tragic at worst.
What harm would there have been in my attending a Tri-Ess meeting? Certainly I'd limit my input to topics pertaining to the group, or remain silent. I'm sure I could provide advice on self confidence to the person planning on going out en femme for the first time, or advice on where to find plus sized clothing. It's also very likely that I could hear something from a cross-dresser's perspective that gave me more insight on my own path.
What I do not see is how I would be disruptive to the group or make anyone feel uncomfortable. I highly doubt that I would even attend a meeting geared towards cross dressers very often, if ever again. As long as the moderator of a support group keeps the group in focus, there should be no reason to restrict anyone from attending any meeting. Cross-dressers and transsexuals face enough discrimination >from society itself without having to discriminate amongst themselves.
Michelle Wallace
I I have found that even when a group is supposedly open to everyone, there tend to be *unofficial* rules and some people make up rules according to the mood they're in at the moment. On one hand, open-ness is good for people who are not sure where they fit in, but on the other hand, I personally don't want to attend groups full of people that I can't relate to at all. Some of us DO consider ourselves to be ALL THE WAY at one end of the spectrum, and this is very different from being in a "grey area". I don't care about the rules at Tri-Ess for example, because I don't want to associate with transvestites in the first place. Unfortunately, all-transsexual groups tend to be very clique-ish so I don't go to those either.
--Vicky C.
Well, my best guess about if my parents found out about me Crossdressing. I think My mother would freek out And My father would Disown me. Unfortunate for me, but I will keep dressing in private. One good thing, I told my hopefully soon to be girlfreand about me crossdressing and she accepted it. the only concern she has is how much money I will be spending on clothes.
My dad passed away recently & would not have been pleased to know I'm transgender. However, my mother does know & is generally happy about it, since she always really wanted a daughter. I'm hoping to get the courage to ask her to go shopping with me when I'm en femme, or perhaps dinner & a movie. I suspect she'll be very pleased to do it, but will worry about me being recognized.
H i! I'm Ericka and new to all of this. I just told Mom 3 wks ago. She thinks it's wonderful. My sister is a disappointment, so I became the daughter my mom always wanted. My grandmother wants me to stop, but also said that if I was happy then she was happy for me. My sister will not tell me what she thinks(Not that it matters). My step-father and little brother don't know. I don't think that either of them would take it too well. Thank you for being here TGF and all the girls out there. We all need to support each other.
I am 43 and still in the closet. If my family found out I would find myself at a minium divroced. My 2 duaghters would be out of my life and my parents would never lose that expression of abject hurt and non-comprehension only depression era people seem able to affect. But since I have found all of you out here in the ether I no longer feel isolated.
hugs FATA MORGANA-Ct.
Well, my mom already knows; she didn't freak out and excommunicate me, but she doesn't really want to hear about it. A fairly good reaction, IMO, but she'd never take me shopping.
I think I know what my wife would say. Example: I was watching in fascination an interview interview between Lauren Hutton and RuPaul yesterday. I was thinking Ru looked fabulous and wondering whether I could ever be so beautiful. My wife said "that's sick!" and stomped out of the room. Ah, well. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Hi, I'm Christine, I am new to the internet but not to cross dressing, I have been a closet cross dresser since I was a little boy. If my family knew about my desires I'm not shure how they would react. I can only guess they would try and send me to a Dr. I love my clothes and wish I could wear then always.
I believe she would not say much at first but then be accepting of the fact. She saw clues while I was growing up such as my collection of clothing that I thought was hidden where she could not find it. She has accepted worse things from my siblings and though it upset her she did not condemn but wonder why.
Being a war baby, I think parents of that time wanted to be like the Jones's to much. Everything had to be perfect. Had to be the perfect little child. I know my mother would be crushed if she found out I was a TV. However, I think my brothers and sisters would say cool and have no problem with it. Hope Mom never finds out. Don't want to destroy her false image of me being in her eyes normal. When in my eyes, my dressing, is normal to me. Mindy
M y family would freak out they always say rude things about transgendered people.If they knew the real me I would probably never see them again.
Karen
I'm 45 and still in the closet. I think my wife would divorce me if she knew that I used her make-up when she was out of town.I have gone out at night but only to an ATM machine and driven through mall parking lots. Now that I know I'm LIKE so many of you I am thrilled and don't feel nearly as alone. one problem I have is I'm 6 ft. tall and wear size 11 pumps that are still too tight! Where can I get some big heels?
Love to All, Rhonda- Tampa,Fl
My father might handle the news okay, but I'm never going to tell him He's 80 years old, and he lost his only other child to AIDS. My younger brother was gay, but my dad never knew it till a year before he died. That's enough burden for one man to deal with.
Linda D
To summarize several days of discussion: "Stop it!!!" (Referring to (M->F) CDing)
To summarize several minutes of discussion: "No, you aren't." (Referring to TGism)--I wasn't too sure about this myself.
To summarize NO discussion: "You didn't have surgery did you?" (Obviously referring to TSism)--I didn't.
Although lost in the summaries, there was a lot of constructive
discussion. Actually, I'd be much more concerned about what my
SUPERVISOR would say if HE found out! I'm very happy to have shared my
secret with my parents, even though they didn't approve.
And...I still like to be called:
Cheryl Marie
Both my mother and father know that I'm transgendered. We haven't talked about it that much, but I think that it naturally makes them both very uncomfortable.
My mother's only thought on the matter was that she was terrified that HER parents would find out what a horrible freak she had produced. She claims that she doesn't feel ashamed of me, but it's very obvious. She claims that she wants me to be happy, but she has never bothered to ASK how I feel. On the other hand, I really don't care. This woman actually admitted that she ENJOYED inflicting physical pain upon her children when we were growing up, and subjected us to an extremely harmful psycholigical and social situation. Since I refuse to shut up and forget about it, she refuses to speak to me. Hatred is really toxic to the person who feels it, so like I said, I simply don't care.
Vicky C.
Well, I can imagine a blank stare of disbelief on my father's face as he tries to grasp what his "number one" son just told him. (My feeling is that one day I will find out.) I detest dishonesty in all it's forms and lately I've hated having to filter my conversations with family members.
As for my mom, she would most likely try to take credit for it so she could feel guilty. This would be followed by a long interrogation and then a lot of free advice and counsel.
I'm in a period of rapid change and want to wait until I get a better idea of where this is all going. (It would be wise to have some answers available.)
Barbara
Im from norway and my mother and father took it very easy. My mother told me to keep it to myself,but i think thats hard to do.
Ithink we need laws to ensure that transgendered people can remain at their present place of work their present place of work. You can't force them to accept you however it seems but I beleive that if you force some people to deal with you they will eventually accept you. At least that has been my experience.
Christy UVA
Legislation to protect us? Oh! My! Everytime someone is unhappy with the treatment they get "There oughta be a law," If we don't like the way other people act we right away want a law against what they are doing. It seems to always be laws against something or someone. Do we, the transgendered community need another law? Do we really NEED a law to protect us from being refused service because we are not dressing the way someone else would like us to be dressed? For example at a restaurant, should the restaruant owner be allowed to refuse someone simply because of the way they are dressed. Why should the restaurant owner not be able to choose? After all it is his/her restaurant. Should we have special protection against landlords who want to evict us or just simply refuse to rent to us because they don't like the way we dress? If we are living full time we probably pass. If not we would go straight. So how would the landlord or manager know? We could sue. As they would still claim (if there were a law) that there was some other reason we could claim discrimination for some other reason as well. Should we be refused jobs if we are able and qualified to do the work? Answer similar to the previous one. And there are answers similar for all these questions.
Does that mean that I am saying we don't need laws? As long as there are laws protecting the bigots we need laws protecting us from the bigots. So what we really need are fewer laws. The best solution would be to remove the laws that protect the biggots. That would be ideal. Then we could protest without fear of police brutality, or any other brutality for that matter. Unfortunately the ideal is never the real. Yes, we need laws, we need to know that the rights guaranteed to us by the constitution of the U.S. will not be abrogated by other laws. We need to know that we will not be refused government jobs simply because of our choice of clothing. We need to know that when we seek service from some govt. agency we will not be mocked, ridiculed, or put up for pubic scorn, and ultimately refused. Bobbi
Yes! I wish I could press a button and become a woman. If I knew I would become a passable female, I would do it without hesitation. Unfortunatly lifes not like that. I am 47 a lifelong CD who at last has made the decision to come out and get out. I have the support of my SO but I am very nervous about how well I will pass. I would like to know how others coped first time out.
Sue.
Anyone who thinks we don't need it should come to Oregon and meet the OCA! Yes--We need it and its coming home. The Chief Of Police has a lesbian daughter and he marches in the gay parade. Our City Commissioner is coming to one of our transgender meetings in Dec. to introduce the woman taking over his seat on the city council We need this kind of support and we need to take a procative role for diversity.
Well I would say yes. If that is what it takes to give us the identity we want and need in the community to be accepted as not a freak but a human with different sence of living. I would love to make lot and lot of friends. Write to me
Aren't there enough rules and regulations governing freedom of expression? Do we really need to be singled out for protection or do we simply want to be accepted for who we are? I think we have more to fear in our imaginations than we do from the public at large.-
Hello to all my new sisters. I am 46 years old and still nervous about the "woman" within. I'm married, and straight, with a wonderful daughter. I've never come out to anyone but my wife, but you've all made me feel so comfortable. I just want to send you all a big hug and kiss. You've also given me the courage to finally select a femme name for myself. I can use all the support I can get in this brave new world.
Love, Arlene.
I believe legal protection is necessary. I just had that brought home again in a very subtle way. I am a fairly senior manager in a US aerospace industry. I just filled out for a new program, papers for a special clearance.
Therein lies the subtlety - If I had gone to a shrink to talk about TG, I would have to have reported it on this form and the highly likely result would be denial of the clearance with no reason ever given.
This is, by the way, the reason for the anon address. I am one of the lucky ones - I am able to handle my TGism without help (and look on it as a gender gift). I just hope and pray that time and the hard work of a lot of people who can and have come out of the closet actively, we will let people know we are NOT sick and NOT a risk to any one or to any business. To the ones who are active for us, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love and Hugs
Suzi
If we keep passing discrimination laws, someday we will have a law for each one of us. If laws stopped discrimination, why do the black people keep telling us its still such a problem after 30 years? We need less laws, not more.
As a TV my biggest fear is being hassled by the police.,even though crossdressing is legal. Since I live full-time as my male self, I have no special legal needs. There`s not alot you can do if some jerk decides to give you a hard time, but it would be nice to know the police will support you. Getting stop for a routine traffic violation is a big fear. Give me the ticket and let me be on my way.
Discrimination happens all the time, including to people who are legally protected. Anti-discrimination laws do NOT prevent this. All the employer, landlord, etc. has to do is find some other excuse for their actions. It is often extremely difficult or impossible to come up with evidence or documentation to support a lawsuit, and on many jobs, it is simply not worth the energy. I can tell you this from *personal experience*. (Ironically, my last employer actually complained about the fact that I always wore pants, and he thought all the women employees should wear skirts even though it was totally inappropriate for the job. So you see, even if you pass, you may STILL be descriminated against or harrassed.)
--Vicky C.
I do not think we need legal protection against discrimination. As with all other past forms of legal protection I know of in the US, the protected group ususally ends up with a backlash -- a larger, hard core of folks who will blame their failures rightly or worngly on the protected group. We just need to continue to work for education and the understanding that comes from it.
Does our community need legal protection against discrimination? Yes We need legal protection ! We need have the ability to have jobs and not fear reprecussions because of who or what we are. Most people think we are just Freaks and should not be allowed to Exist.
You only need legal protection if you cannot pass. If passing is accomplished, no one should recognize you as the opposite gender. If you are like me, and cannot pass because of a physical imperfection, then you could be subject to breaking the law. I have been asked to leave from a store once in my life. If the law was on my side, I could have stayed.
Definitely the community needs legal protection. How many are there of us out there, living and working at "normal" jobs, trying to live "normal" lives, all the while being absolutely petrified as to what would happen to us if we were "found out." As an attorney, I know what can happen to people when the hammer comes down and what little protection the transgendered community has under the laws now. Yes, legal protection is needed.
Rickie
In response to whether I would welcome a change if I could be a femele right now: The answer is probably yes. Of course going through change now as I, and many others struggle we think we should jump at the chance but wait. As we go through the change it's difficult. but we learn about our bodies. As we become more and more feminized whe learn the ins and outs of being female. It is not suddenly thrust upon us. This is akin to being born a girl and slowly learing from our mothers, our sisters if we have then and from our friends. As we grow older we enjoy the majic of discovery. We watch our bodies slowly (and yes as gg's it is also very slow) becoming feminine. We watch as we turn from little girls to teens to women. As TS's transitioning we go through the same sort of discovery. We also watch as breasts begin to form. We watch as other parts of our bodies change. For us it too is a time of discovery. Bobbi
Regarding last week's question: Remember that in *real life*, the question is not simply whether you *say* that you want something, it is really whether you want it *enough*. Are you willing to do whatever is necessary? Do you want this more than you may want the alternatives? People often want two different things which turn out to be mutually exclusive. What you are *doing* about your needs/desires is much more important than what you say.
--Vicky C.
Y Yes, I would change sex immediately. I would love to make an immediate transformation and live the rest of my life as a woman. Doing what I don't care. As long as it would be as a female.
Love DaveAva
I am happy being a male cd'er, as I get the best of both worlds. However, I sympathise with and admire anyone who feels strongly enough, and is brave enought to take that terrible step.. Why terrible - because I am told that the operation is irreversible. Transgenderists (if thats the word!) know this, and it is in more than one way a leap of faith.
YES!! I'd change in a minute!! I've come more and more to feel that I really am a Woman. I'm at my best when I'm my feminine side. Being a Man never seemed to work for me. Yes, if I could change now..I'd would No hesitation.
Randi
If you could be the other sex right now, would you do it? Well yes, I would, but if my new appearance would have to be based on my current body, I wouldn't. I'm tall, 6'9", and if I could have the chance of being of the other sex, I want to be able to pass as a regular woman, and not as a giant. This also because of more practical reasons, like buying clothes and stuff. But yeah, the thought appeals. I mean, it would save the hassle of hormones, SRS and more.
Would I change sex now if I was offered the chance? YES!!!!! I'm startinng to go through the painful process of SRS so it would just speed up the process. It would be a dream come true!
Let's be careful about this week's premise: "could (I) be the other sex right now? Well, if that means "poof! You're a born genetic female!" then I'd take it in a flash. It would mean that all my females equipment would be there equivalent to "orginial assembly" as opposed to have been imperfectly created by medical procedures. I'd also add that I'd like to be 25 years old and look like Nichole Kidman!! ("Oh, Tom, don't stop, honey!) Huggs,
Yes, yes a thousands times yes. I have wanted to be a woman for years and have felt left out. I feel that if I could now be a woman I would belong. Sherry Whiteside
I've always felt cheated by the accident of birth that left me male. I've had a good life as a man, married, father of 4 girls and a 21 year cop. I envy the ladies in the work nowdays, although more than a few are Lesbian. I think my life would have been more fulfilling as a woman. I love everything about women, their sensitivity, intuitive communications skills. All the external things that are female are so much more attractive to me, the clothing, the makeup and hairstyles. It all makes me hope there is reincarnation and I'll be lucky enough to be a lady in my next life.
Kathy in Poway, Ca.
Hello, we're new to the Net ... and delight in interacting with our sister gallĂ throught the world. As post-op transsexuals, my partner and I are fascinated in researching our spiritual heritage and restoring our connection to it in service to the Great Mystery. Love
Yes. I feel very sexy when I dress as a woman. I feel very at home in either role actually, but prefer my feminine side.
Yes, I would change Yesterday. I feel I am more comfortable in my female role and feel more assertive and free. I just was born into the wrong body. I feel that it choose me and I must accept it. I am just beginning to come out with my issues with ultimately end my marriage. I am in therapy now and am pursuing the necessary course to ultimately live my life as the real woman I am. Love,
If it could be a temporary change, I would do it now and often. But as for a permanent change, no: no matter which sex I was, I would want to be the other sex some of the time. jtomlin@teleport.com
In my mind, daily I am the other sex. As I observe a beautiful woman in public, I mentally record the appearance, the jestures, the feminine features. I imagine how I would feel as that beautiful woman. For years, quite frequently, I have attempted to duplicate the beauty and feminine features of a woman. Although I've never tested my efforts in public, I have produced great results on film. Also, using a technique called self hypnosis, I believe that I have actually become the lovely feminine girl that I portray. Yes, if I could be the other sex right now, I would.
Right now? Yes, unquestioningly. Why? Save money... :) Seriously, though, for me it is about 'connecting' my body with my mind. I have felt a sense of 'incongruity' for so long, and I plan to find the options that will help me resolve that. So, if I could be 'right now' as the question asks, yes. It would speed up a process I have already begun.
Love, Aleisha Michelle
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