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by April Theresa Hamblett
Copywrite The Transgender Forum 1995
I am a heterosexual cross dresser and I would like to share with you my experience of living as a cross dresser in a conservative society.
It is only by Œcoming out‚ and becoming more visible that society will change its attitudes. For about 15 years of my life I have been keeping my cross dressing personality a secret. I have been too scared to tell my family and friends.
The fact that I am a heterosexual and a cross dresser makes it more difficult for society to understand. About 90 percent of cross dressers are heterosexual (Ed. note: it isn‚t clear what the actual figures are, but this may be high) but they are not visible because they are too scared to Œcome out‚ and be seen. I like to dress up and walk around town. I like to be seen by others because I really can‚t see anything wrong with cross dressing and I really hate having to hide my cross dressing personality. I have also been involved in challenging the so called norms of society all my life as a result of my physical disability,
When I dress up in town, it is usually in Ponsonby, an area where I feel the most confident because of people‚s attitudes there. I have been to several of the cafes in the area cross dressed and I feel relaxed. I don‚t cross dress in my local area because it is a small community, and it is bound to get back to my parents, whom I am not ready to tell. I would love to be able to cross dress in my local area, and I am trying to by wearing less obvious female clothing, like lycra leggings and sweatshirts but I‚m just not ready to take the risk and wear a skirt and high heels. People know me because they identify the disability first regardless of whether I am wearing a dress or not.
A friend of mine once said that it is difficult for society to accept cross dressing because when a person is cross dressed it is usually very obvious and society does not like visible differences. I agree with this idea because I have grown up with a visible difference all my life with my physical disability and know of the negativity that people who don‚t understand can display.
It has been difficult for me to accept and understand in the past, but I have decided not to worry about issues like why do I cross dress? What‚s my psychological profile like? etc... and just get on with my life; cross dress when I feel like cross dressing. When I came out to my sister and her partner at the end of last year I felt a great weight being lifted off my shoulders. I began to keep my Œfemale‚ clothes in my room and was able to cross dress at home. They did not mind me cross dressing in town. I feel that I can relax and enjoy cross dressing more and not be so terrified of being found out (I‚m still a bit nervous).
A number of events have occurred which make me hopeful that society may be slowly changing its attitude in a positive way towards cross dressing. I don‚t have many friends who know about my alter ego, but I have developed relationships with colleagues (for example, shoe salesperson & beauty therapist). I would like to describe some personal examples that illustrate this point:
I had put a dress on laybuy and had gone in to put some more money down on it. I was dressed as a guy this day and went over to the shop owner and said that I wanted to put some money down on the dress. The owner was having a cup of coffee with another customer. When the owner took the dress down from the rack (so that I could see it again), the other customer asked me if the dress was for my girlfriend. Before I had time to say anything, the owner said Œno its for him, he cross dresses‚. Part of me felt embarrassed but another part of me (a bigger part) thought how wonderful it was that the shop owner had the confidence to say this. I go in there quite regularly now and we end up talking for ages, which is really great because it just makes shopping there a pleasurable experience - not just focused on making a profit but taking an interest in her customers.
The second example was when I was in Wellington in 1993 I went into one shop to buy a dress I had seen in the window. This was my first time in this shop and I was in guys clothes (I was wearing pantyhose under my jeans). I went over to the dress rack, took the particular dress off the rack and looked at it for a while. The owner of the shop came over and asked me whether I would like to try the dress on. I couldn‚t believe this, that she just asked me this straight out; I didn‚t have to go up and sheepishly ask her, she asked me. I jumped at the opportunity. Unfortunately the dress I wanted didn‚t fit, but the owner spent about an hour helping me find another dress. I felt great!
The third example was when I walked into a shoe shop a few weeks ago, again in guys clothes (I had tights on under my jeans), I said to the owner that this may be a stupid question, but I would like to buy a pair of shoes like this for myself (black, suede high heels). She just said don‚t be silly, of course you can buy them for yourself. She then spent the next half an hour getting a pair of shoes to fit nicely. Since then I have been in the store a few times. They really make me feel welcome. Once, when I was cross dressed and had full makeup on I went into this shoe shop and one of the owners said to the other one,
ŒYes she does.‚
The fourth and final example happened a few months ago when I discovered a beauty and fashion clinic. I have been there 3 times, for a makeover, fashion analysis, and a leg wax. The first time I went up dressed as a guy and just asked whether they would mind giving a makeover on a guy. A few months later I made the first appointment for a makeover and have since always been dressed as a female when I go there. The staff make me feel so comfortable and told me that I would be welcome to fashion shows that they hold at times (cross dressed). When I asked her about the other clients who may also be at the show, she said that she didn‚t really care what the others felt about a guy dressed as a woman. When I went for my fashion analysis the beautician did not seem to have any problem about doing the analysis on me from a female perspective. This made me feel absolutely wonderful.
Other examples like this have happened over a few years and they have made me feel really good about myself; that I‚m not doing anything wrong. I don‚t know whether these examples are indicative of society‚s changing attitudes or whether it is just that I have been really lucky in meeting the right people at the right time. The only thing I do not like about these relationships is the fact that they are based on a customer - retailer basis. I would just like to be able to transform the relationship from professional to personal.
One of my best friends, who I have known since I was about 5 years old, recently found out that I cross dressed. I couldn‚t believe how good he was with accepting the fact that I liked to cross dress, although I think he was a bit annoyed about the fact that I hadn‚t told him about my cross dressing until now. He said to me that people don‚t understand or accept this issue because it is not an issue which has really been addressed properly and hasn‚t reached the consciousness of society.
I remember things like my sister not wanting to go to ballet classes, there I was wanting to, partly because I knew that guys were allowed to wear leotards and tights (my first cross dressing experience was when I wore my sisters tights). I also remember at school when I was about 8 or 9 years old, my teacher had brought in her daughters ballet tutu and asked anyone if they wanted to try it on. Some of the boys tried it on, but I thought to myself no, no way. I was scared of admitting that I was a cross dresser and this was a mechanism I used to cope with it. There were other experiences like this, where I tried to deny that I really wanted to wear female clothes.
I have been to several counselors during the past few years. Partly because a small part of me wanted to find a Œcure‚, but mostly because I wanted to be able to relax for a while cross dressed. The cure part was because I realize that by cross dressing I have pushed myself towards the margins of society and have made my life possibly very difficult. I really don‚t want to stop cross dressing. I think that I am still in the Œcoming out‚ process. I actually want to be able to dress as a female more often.
I hope that in 5 or 10 years time there will be more tolerance to this issue. Perhaps we make up a new third sex and we should focus on being recognized as a third sex. One day I hope to be able to walk down the street and feel as confident wearing a skirt or a dress as I do wearing guys clothes. I hope that one day I will be able at work.