Gary wants you to open your heart to him. He wants you to treat him like a brother, a sister, even a mother! Let him know what lies at the bottom of your sea of troubles - just write him a letter in the space below. But to give Gary a real helping hand in parting the veil of misery that surrounds and confounds you, complete the whole form, as the questions are cunningly crafted to open up your inner psyche to his insightful intellect.

Your first name: What's your problem?

Would you describe your childhood as:
A happy memory A dim, repressed nightmare What, you mean it's over?

Pick a role model from the following list:

Do you have a sexual/life partner?
Boyfriend Girlfriend Other

And are you...
Male Female Hermaphrodite Asexual

If asexual do you reproduce by means of...
Fision (splitting) Budding Parthenogenesis
Tubers Rhizomes Runners Weird alien shit

And are you (pick one from each pair)
a) Chalk Cheese
b) Fish Fowl
c) Friday night Sunday lunch
d) Pint of bitter Moscow Mule
e) Hi Karate CK One
f) Day of the triffids Gallon of cooked hemp