ARIES March 21 - April 20 Neptune entertains ambitions no higher than to hang round Mars' neck like a beastly dead fox. Such sloth's reward is protein deficiency, brittle nails and oily, anxious hair. You will be called on soon to stretch every sinew in defence of someone dear; take more liver, stout and red meat to avoid such tissue simply tearing when the 'fur' begins to 'fly'. Too much in the way of root vegetables, 'skimmed' milk and green tea has made you - and I hate to say this - effete. Chilled Portuguese wine with simply cooked fish sounds pleasant, but could end in adultery.

TAURUS April 21 - May 21 Young Taureans predisposed to sneer at their elders might have cause to rue such insolence. Indeed, those with reddish hair and black 'windcheaters' will encounter Pluto at its sternest after the 13th. This portends trauma for the type of oik who shouts abuse at a grandfather from the top-deck of a bus and then showers said sage with spittle and burgerish ketchup. Such ginger ne'er-do-wells should reflect on the folly of picking a fight with a forces-trained septugenarian who can still handle a swagger- stick. A cheap chicken 'pasty' harbours something unpleasant.

GEMINI May 22 - June 21 It's debatable how far any Gemini should be trusted. The sign's twinnish psyche fosters hypocrisy and general two-facedness. But with Neptune rampant and Mercury too sleepy to counter, the month ahead sees barely a day pass without a promise broken, a yarn spun, a back stabbed. It's not that all Geminis are loathesome (though I confess I have none as friends) but it would be easier to trust the egregious Mr 'Tony' Blair to sell you a 'previously owned' motor car than to believe the words of a Gemini. Eat no rabbit in the company of children; it will make them tearful.

CANCER June 22 - July 23 'Cancer is as Cancer does' in the words of the poet, and never were words more apt than when Venus enters your sector to wrap the sign in a thick snoozy fog. Reactions thus dulled, Cancerians should beware the salesman's patter, the fraudster's charm, the double-talk of the ambitious minion. In truth the month were better passed beneath bedcovers, but, as life demands your participation, proceed on the basis that there is no one who doesn't wish you grievous harm. Only eat custard you have prepared yourself, others are less scrupulous about hygiene.

LEO July 24 - August 23 Reputedly strong and lionish, Leos will struggle to resemble even neutered pussy-cats. Any vigour ordinarily derived from Neptune and Mars is shrivelled by the former's rise after the 4th. Thus misaligned, Leos limp from one disappointment to another, howling and bemoaning their wretched fates. Of course, this is rectifiable, but only with the phlegm, grit, savvy and spunk associated with a better and bygone age. Modern Leos will look to the world to improve their lives and the world, rightly, will counsel self-improvement. Chutney makes a refreshing change!

VIRGO August 24 - September 23 How enervating for Virgos always to be the butt of jokes. Because you are neat you are labelled obsessive; because you care for detail they call you pedantic. True, when sun and moon are out of kilter as between the 12th and 24th it can be hard to argue that your zest for uniforms, numbers and symmetry belongs in the world we call 'real', but such are the Zodiac's whims; if tidy hair, tweeds and robust Christianity deserve to be mocked then let them mock for our numbers are greater than they imagine. To serve Game pie with French mustard is to expose youself as a decadent oaf.