Announcing the plans, Michael Howard explained that the planned butchery would be as humane as possible. "Obviously we don't want to cause any undue pain and suffering to the dogs or their owners," said the Home Secretary. "But there are an awful lot of dogs, and frankly we don't have much money to spend on them, what with tax cuts and so forth to fund. In most cases, we intend to simply blow the dirty little bastards away, though obviously if the initial bullet fails to do the job, we won't be wasting a separate bullet on them - we'll just leave them to die in their own time. Any owners objecting will receive the same treatment. Owners that co-operate will be placed on a register and later herded into camps where children will come in and defecate in their beds and in their work areas at any time of the day or night."

A spokesman for John Major's office explained that the proposals will not affect dogs currently domiciled outside the UK. "We have no plans to extend the pogrom to foreign dogs living abroad," he said. "Obviously however, any ex-patriots owning dogs will be subject to the full force of British Justice in the fullness of time. But initially we plan to conduct a limited trial at Crufts in March. In that four day period we estimate we will be able to exterminate up to 20,000 pedigree poo-ers, with the added advantage of national TV coverage for our plans. The PM is convinced this a real vote winner."

Julian Patterson is a manicured poodle.