One man who certainly knew exactly where he was going last week was Will Self - the gonzo journalist who decided to check into his own personal flight aboard the Prime Minister's plane and smoke heroin on the on-board loo.

Rather naively, Self apparently believed no-one would notice his eyes rolling back into their sockets as he flew back to his seat, and spent most of last week denying the little venture had ever happened. His employer, The Observer, sacked him.

Given that this column is usually written under the influence of a good couple or two of gin and tonics I feel I should give support to the man.

Never mind what Self was on. What was the Observer on? It can hardly have been a shock to find out the man was on drugs. After all this is the guy who wrote in a (presumably fictional) piece about his desire to hack off the head of a tramp and "address" himself to his newly opened neck. He also had fantasies about "addressing" himself to a disembowelled dog. Does this really sound like a man who survives on leaf salads and a Diet Coke?

And frankly there were mitigating circumstances. He was on the Tory plane after all. He was just trying to liven up proceedings. Had he have been with the Natural Law Party, his ability to take a flight, unaided by any mechanics would have been applauded.

He was only guilty of finding himself flying on a plane peopled with killjoys. John Major may be able to cry "oh yes. oh yes" with gusto after a particularly good policy speech but Self, quite understandably, needed a little more.

According to the Independent on Sunday it was probably a fellow hack who shopped him. Mr Self states it was probably a case of envy. Not career envy, although the man did work for The Express., but, I suspect, probably envy that after a particularly dull day Self was retiring to the toilet for his kicks and refusing to share the stuff around.

Still it's gratifying to note that on The Mirror at least, they appear to be spreading it around. The paper ran a particularly pious piece, suggesting that the whole reason for Self wishing to take his own private flight was the "mind numbing" boredom of working for The Observer.

A valid point, but it had presumably been a particularly dull night at The Mirror because the tired hacks ran a large photo of "Will Hutton" editor of The Observer that was not, in fact Will Hutton. And the next day, the paper appeared at a loss to explain who the smiling gentleman they had depicted was. "I have no idea. I'd ask the night desk but they're all tucked up in their little beds," said a hapless picture desk boy. Nice to know, that unlike Self the happy picture desk all got home safe and sound.

"Your arse isn't half as ugly as your face!".

I think this is somewhat unfair and would like to propose a vote.

Arse or face.