The Great Barbie Naming Contest
Last Modified February 12, 1996
One of the most impressive toy phenomena of this century has been the Barbie doll. How many little girls in this country haven't grown up with at least one of the long-legged, buxom, smiling, swollen-headed, anatomically incorrect fashion plates for a plastic friend? Darn few, I'd say.
But the Barbie industry does not stop there, does it? How could we forget Ken or Skipper? The Barbie Townhouse? Airplane? Cruise ship? Or the endless Barbie variations from Malibu Barbie to the more recent Teacher Barbie?
But....
What if the inventiveness runs out? What if the toy engineers at Mattel scratch their heads but can't come up with any new Barbie ideas? What if the well of Barbie products runs dry? What if there are NO NEW BARBIES????
We can't let this happen!
We, the Barbie-lovers of America, must act. We must wrack our brains to come up with new Barbie ideas so that there will be no dearth of Barbiana. We must save her!
With that in mind, I have taken it upon myself to announce the Great Barbie Naming Contest. Use the handy form below to submit NEW and EXCITING Barbie ideas, so that the World of Barbie may be continually enhanced.
Read Helpful Hints on Making Your Own Barbie Contest Entries.
The Barbie Form
Announcement: This is a SATIRICAL Web Page. It is NOT REAL. Please do NOT send any more of your hundreds of suggestions for REAL Barbie ideas. I DON'T want them.
Hint: Bulemic Barbie not needed, Pornographic descriptions of various positions Barbie might be in not needed, S&M Barbie not needed, Put Another Shrimp on the Barbie not needed, Biker Barbie not needed.
Special Hint for the Humor Impaired (and yes, this hint is definitely needed for some people): Do not submit realistic Barbie possibilities.
New Barbies
- Millionaire's Mistress Barbie
- Teen Acne Barbie
- Gangsta Bitch Barbie (with thanks to SNL)
- Unwed Mother Barbie
- Grunge Star Barbie
- Breast Implant Barbie
- Quadroplegic Barbie
- Teen Leper Barbie
- S&M Barbie
- Bi Barbie
- Senior Citizen Talking Barbie (says, "I've fallen and I can't get up!")
- Mujahadeen Barbie
- Bible Belt Barbie
- Trophy Wife Barbie (Thanks, MM!)
- Body Piercing Barbie (Thanks, MM!)
- Welfare Mother Barbie (comes with food stamps) (Thanks, MM!)
- Anorexic Barbie (Thanks, MM!)
- Mother Superior Barbie
- Trailer Park Barbie
- Illegal Alien Barbie
- Vivisectionist Barbie (Thanks, Dave Barry!)
- Boutros Boutros Barbie (Thanks, Dave Barry!)
- Streetwalker Barbie (Thanks, TO!)
- Klaus Barbie (Thanks, Damon!)
- PMS Barbie (Thanks, SC!)
- Vegas Showgirl Barbie (Thanks, "enconinc"!)
- Bag Lady Barbie (Thanks, "akehursk," for getting it from MAD Magazine!)
- Bikini Wax Barbie (Thanks, ab5mp!)
- Bungee Jumpin' Barbie (Thanks, ab5mp!)
- Shrunken Head Barbie (Thanks, ab5mp!)
- Phlegm & Spittle Barbie (Ok, we confess we really don't know what this contribution, sent from "airbrick," means. But it sounds so gross we decided to include it anyway.)
- Citadel Cadet Barbie (Thanks, Jeff)
- Rambo Barbie (Thanks, iuwyfu64i!)
- Generation X Barbie (Job not included. Thanks, Calvin!)
- Satanic Barbie
- Transsexual Barbie (Thanks, Mariah!)
- Tattooed Barbie (Thanks, 71540.3365, or can I call you 715?)
- Bearded Lady Barbie
- Teen Driver Barbie (comes complete with wrecked auto)
- Narcoleptic Barbie (Thanks, dlw6 and M.Masnick, two guys who were really bored)
- Hangover Barbie (Thanks, dlw6 and M.Masnick)
- Disgruntled Postal Employee Barbie (Thanks, dlw6 and M.Masnick)
- Toll Collector Barbie (Thanks, dlw6 and M.Masnick)
- Mrs. Santa Claus Barbie (Thanks to two separate people who suggested this holiday entry: Than and engstrom)
- Prison Matron Barbie (Thanks to "children," who clearly has been watching "Reform School Girls" much too much)
- Body Building Barbie (Thanks, engstrom!)
- Crop Circle Barbie (This entry, from Lori, may win the "Yes, but, well" award)
- Hockey Playin' Barbie (Thanks, Lori!)
- Polka Time Barbie (Thanks, Lori!)
- Skin Cancer Barbie (Thanks, ewhamond!)
- Belly Dancer Barbie (Thanks, PacificAcademy!)
- Exorcism Barbie (Thanks, mrme!)
- Manic-Depressive Barbie (Thanks, Mary!)
- Ebola Barbie (Hot Zone sold separately. Thanks, Mary!)
- Multiple Personality Barbie (Additional personalities sold separately. Thanks, Mary!)
- Barbie Scissorhands (Thanks, Jim!)
- Homicidally Insane Sysadmin Barbie (Thanks, booda!)
- Harley Biker Babe Barbie (Thanks, dsmoore!)
- BiPolar Barbie (Kind of like Manic-Depressive Barbie, above, but I included it because of the alliteration. Thanks, Karen!)
- Divorcee Barbie (Comes with Ken's accessories) (Thanks to Kevin and Cthulhu, who independently sent this suggestion in!)
- Couch Potato Barbie (Barbie's ass flattens when you sit her down) (Thanks, Cthulhu!)
- Radioactive Barbie (Thanks, Johns2!)
- Alien Abduction Barbie (Thanks, squid!)
- Persistent Vegetative Barbie (Thanks, buckley!)
- Registered Sex Offender Barbie (Thanks, buckley!)
- Phone Sex Barbie (Thanks, dbroida!)
- Ex-Con Barbie (Thanks, Amy!)
- Liposuction Barbie (Thanks, sghsel!)
- Bad Hair Day Barbie (Thanks, fessler!)
- Chain Gang Barbie (Thanks, jcoxe!)
- Porn Queen Barbie (Thanks, jcoxe!)
- Urban Assault Barbie (Thanks, jcoxe!)
- Cellulite Barbie (Thanks, jcoxe!)
- Oil-Covered Otter Scrubbing Barbie (This is probably something really sick, so a dubious thanks to grantala.)
- Safe Sex Barbie (Thanks, ecq9m!)
- Soul Train Barbie (Thanks, ecq9m!)
- Hollywood Boulevard Barbie (Thanks, ecq9m!)
- Hare Krishna Barbie (Thanks, ecq9m!)
- Third Nipple Barbie (Thanks, Trajan!)
- Homicidal Rampage Barbie (Thanks, awagster!)
- Lounge Lizard Barbie (Thanks, Nelson!)
- Mafia Barbie (Thanks, gnome!)
- Peg-legged Barbie (Thanks, Williams!)
- Tobacco Chewin' Barbie (Thanks, Williams!)
- Death Row Barbie (Thanks, john!)
- Traction Barbie (Thanks, sveldhoff!)
- Lobotomy Patient Barbie
- Drunken Driver Barbie
- Pill-poppin' Barbie
- Plastic Surgery Patient Barbie (Thanks, nathan!)
- Unabomber Barbie (Thanks, jashdown!)
- Lord of the Flies Barbie (Thanks, jashdown!)
- Manson Family Barbie (Thanks, jashdown!)
- Neandertal Barbie (Thanks, jashdown!)
- Head Trauma Barbie (Thanks, jashdown!)
- Accident Prone Barbie (Thanks, williams!)
- Lotto Lovin' Barbie (Thanks, uercek00!)
- Alien-coming-out-of-stomach Barbie (Thanks, aieeeeeeeee!)
- French Whore Barbie (Thanks, gmwe!)
- Achy Breaky Barbie (Thanks, type!)
- Wrestlemania Barbie (Thanks, type!)
- Branch Davidian Barbie (Thanks, type!)
- War Amputee Barbie (Thanks, stephane!)
- Mosh-Pit Barbie (Thanks, janice!)
- Flayed Barbie (cough, cough, uh, thanks, panetta)
- Angry Mattel Lawyer Barbie (Thanks, mbrailer!)
- Packwood Aide Barbie (Thanks, mbrailer!)
- Kama Sutra Barbie (Thanks, mbrailer!)
- Lap Dancin' Barbie (Thanks, mbrailer!)
- Real Estate Seminar Barbie (Thanks, mbrailer!)
- Witness Protection Program Barbie (Thanks, mbrailer, who clearly has some spare time!)
- Shopliftin' Barbie
- Not Shavin' My Pits Barbie
- Shooting Accident Barbie
- Slave to the Patriarchy Barbie (Thanks, spahnj!)
- Feral Barbie (Thanks, gavan!)
- Bingo Barbie (Thanks, chewlett!)
- Pyromaniac Barbie (Thanks, chewlett!)
- Barfly Barbie (Thanks, sbrame!)
- Playboy Bunny Barbie (Thanks, rld!)
- Sumo Barbie (Thanks, euro-mol!)
- Sorority Sister Barbie (Thanks, Beth!)
- Spontaneous Combustion Barbie (Thanks, Me!)
- Bad Trip Barbie (Thanks, gordonsc!)
- Headbanger Barbie (Thanks, Brutus!)
- Mallrat Barbie (Thanks, housofhair!)
- Cat Burglar Barbie (Thanks, pjmaybe!)
- 700 Club Barbie (Thanks, Meredith!)
- Near Death Experience Barbie (Thanks, Meredith!)
- Psychosexual Dysfunction Barbie (Thanks, Meredith!)
- Bingo Barbie (Thanks, Meredith!)
- TV Talk Show Circuit Barbie (Thanks, Mtravers!)
- Vengeful Figure Skater Barbie (Thanks, Mtravers!)
- East European Olympian Barbie (Thanks, scherini!)
- Salem Witch Barbie (Thanks, rld!)
- God Barbie (Thanks, Kstoner!)
- Roadkill Barbie (Thanks, Mitchell!)
- Riot Cop Barbie (Thanks, sjones!)
- Shoplifter Barbie (Comes with stuff from other playsets. Thanks, sjones!)
- Kickboxer Barbie (Thanks, sjones!)
- NATO Peacekeeper Hostage Barbie (Thanks, sjones!)
- Chain Smokin' Barbie (Thanks, jfw!)
- Flammable Barbie (Thanks, davew!)
- Siamese Twin Barbies (Thanks, lbrlti!)
- Chernobyl Barbie (Thanks, dilligad!)
- Overbite Barbie (Thanks, dilligad!)
- Carnival Worker Barbie (Thanks, destross!)
- Let's Play With Matches Barbie (Thanks, hwniii!)
- Ax-Murderer Barbie (Thanks, glgoodman!)
- Will Work For Food Barbie (Thanks, jerrysot!)
- Third World Dictator's Wife Barbie
- Low Rider Barbie (Thanks, Daniel!)
- Goth Barbie (Thanks, Peat!)
- Psychic Hotline Barbie (Thanks, Jim!)
- Full Body Cast Barbie (Thanks, Jim!)
- Hyperallergenic Barbie (Thanks, Jim!)
- Snake-Handlin' Barbie (Thanks, jcoxe!)
- Iron Lung Barbie (Thanks, Fsjws!)
- Elephant Poacher Barbie (Thanks, Innocent!)
- Hollywood Squares Has-Been Barbie (Thanks, Innocent!)
- Rasta Barbie (Thanks, Innocent!)
- Obsessive-Compulsive Barbie (Thanks, Waffle!)
- Lactose Intolerant Barbie (Thanks, Bhermes!)
- Trust Fund Bohemian Barbie (Thanks, sherring!)
- Inbred Barbie (Thanks, Fred!)
- Donner Party Barbie
- Disgruntled Postal Worker Barbie (Thanks, Chris & Tandem!)
- Scratchcard Scrubber from Blackburn Barbie (Thanks, T.A., for this Transatlantic Entry!)
- Faded Movie Queen Barbie (Thanks, jreinke!)
- Hooters Waitress Barbie (Pending the court case, a Ken may be made available. Thanks, rharris!)
- Anti-Christ Barbie (Thanks, jstogs!)
- Flashback Barbie (Thanks, sjones!)
- Existentialist Barbie (Thanks, kevin!)
- Drive-By Barbie (Thanks, Moretonbay!)
- Toxic Waste Barbie (Thanks, smy!)
- Zombie Barbie (Thanks, smy!)
- Dumpster Divin' Barbie (Thanks, jkoles!)
- Stepford Barbie (Thanks, Hazed!)
- Merry Widow Barbie (Thanks, Aichan!)
Barbie Accessories
- Barbie's Crack House
- Barbie's Fast Food Workplace
- Barbie's Murder Scene
- Barbie's Juvenile Detention Center
- Barbie's Boating Accident
- Barbie's Chappaquiddick Set
- Barbie's Scoffing Help Desk (Thanks, booda!)
- Barbie's Grassy Knoll (Thanks, booda!)
- Barbie Home Pregnancy Test (Thanks, jashdown!)
- Barbie's Gas Chamber (Thanks, jashdown!)
- Barbie's Illegal Sweatshop (Thanks, aieeeeeeee!)
- Barbie's House of Ill Repute
- Barbie's Fun-Time Survivalist Bomb Shelter
- Barbie's Challenger Disaster Playset (Thanks, mbrailer!)
- Barbie's Jonestown Playset (Thanks, rae!)
- Barbie's Hindu Bed of Hot Coals (Thanks, innocent!)
- Barbie's Broken-Down Chevy Nova (Thanks, innocent!)
- Barbie Chicken Processing Plant
- Barbie's O.J. Simpson Accessory Kit
- Barbie Bodybag (unless included in above)
Other Barbie and Friends Items
- Ken's Bathhouse
- Ken Pimpin' Fun Outfit
- Ku Klux Ken
- Wino Ken (Thanks, "akehursk," for getting it from MAD Magazine!)
- "Bobbitt" Ken (If you know what we mean....Thanks, Michael)
- Pedophile Ken (comes with optional Skipper)
- Transvestite Ken (Thanks, Nobody!)
- Hyperactive Skipper (Ritalin sold separately)
- The Bad Seed Skipper
- Car Jacking Ken (Thanks, Cthulhu!)
- Deadbeat Dad Ken (Thanks, ndjaz!)
- Burn Victim Skipper (Thanks, gnome!)
- LAPD Ken (Thanks, jryder!)
- Suicidal Bomber Ken (Thanks, kozak!)
- Barbie-Stalkin' Ken (Thanks, mbrailer!)
- Angry White Ken (Thanks, mbrailer!)
- Chemical Waste Dump Skipper (Thanks, Dnelson!)
- Gulf War Syndrome Ken (Thanks, rae!)
- Rhino-Gored Safari Skipper (Thanks, jim!)
- Pituitary Malfunction Skipper (Thanks, innocent!)
- Pervert Phone Breather Ken (Thanks, miikka!)
- Wacked Out Vietnam Vet Ken (Thanks, rharris!)
- Repressed Memories Skipper
- Village of the Damned Skipper (Thanks, Aichan!)
Guest Appearances
- Don't Ask, Don't Tell G.I. Joe (Thanks, ndjaz!)
Remember: Don't Let Barbie Down!
Selected Barbie Links
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