If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
If you use coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
If you window shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment - and you do.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything.
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you have never backed-up your hard drive.
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is."
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, but you don't remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no " = " key and know what "RPN" stands for.
If your father sat two inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what ôhttpö stands for.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your laptop computer costs more than your car.
If your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.
(Donor: Rob Saville)
Got any stuff for us? Send it to the cleaners and if it's remotely funny or about computers or both we'll put it up. Remember to tell us who you are and we'll give you a donor's credit. If you wrote it yourself, we'll give you something even more valuable: an author's credit. Wow! Once a month, the funniest submission will win the author/donor a prize of a bottle of stuff. Even wower!
