Nigel Tufnel and the Temple of doom
So why did he go? That's the question on the lips of IBMers and commentators following the news that Nick Temple, chairman of IBM UK, has retired at the tender age of 49. In a brief report last week, this newspaper said Mr Temple had stepped down for "personal reasons", but did not elaborate. The unofficial official reason doing the rounds at IBM is that Mr T was asked to move to the US but didn't want to uproot his family. There will be those, Mole among them, who find this implausible.

As anyone who follows IBM will already know, mobility goes with the territory - indeed, the old joke has it that IBM stands for "I've Been Moved". What is also well known is that IBM senior managers never leave, but just keep hopping from job to job until they reach 60 and compulsory retirement.

Several calls to the IBM press office yielded nothing remotely intelligible and as he was giving up hope of ever solving the mystery, Mole stumbled upon a remarkable story that may turn out to explain everything. IBM, in its increasing desperation to appear like the trendy and happening company it so clearly isn't has retained the services of Spinal Tap for a worldwide advertising campaign.
Derek Smalls, Nigel Tufnel and David St Hubbins get ready for the IBM benefit gig

For PC Week readers over the age of 30, Spinal Tap are a spoof rock band featured in a Rob Reiner film that rapidly reached cult status. Famous more for being among Britain's loudest bands rather than for any particular musical talent, the Tap - as they are known to aficianadoes - performed such memorable songs as Sex Farm, Lick My Love Pump and Big Bottom before declining into a well-deserved obscurity.

Tap fans will also remember that the band had a habit of going through drummers at an alarming rate. In the IBM announcement of the deal, the principal members of the band (Nigel Tufnel, David St Hubbins and Derek Smalls) are named, but there is no mention of a drummer. Could it be that Nick Temple is set to join a line up that includes such illustrious names as Mick Shrimpton, Denny Upham, Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs, Ross McLossness and Peter James Bond? If so, he should be told that he is about to accept a poison chalice, for every one of the above named died in mysterious circumstances. One choked on vomit (not his own), another perished in "a bizarre gardening accident", and most of the rest simply exploded on stage.

Mole will be watching Mr Temple's progress with interest and not a little trepidation.

In an article in the June edition of PC Week's sister publication PCLAN, a screen shot of the Eudora Pro package shows that the tester - identified as "martinc" - has received mail on the following subjects: "crap", "some junk for breakfast", "re: Shakespearean insults", "the biblical insult", "your offensive arse" and finally, and most intriguingly, "Watch out boys!" Mole has been asked to get to the bottom of all this, but must decline the offer for reasons of taste. However, if readers wish to make their own enquiries, they can send messages to martinc@vnu.co.uk, which is the Email address of Martin Courtney, listed on PCLAN's flanel panel as a staff writer.

While he is on the subject of things people will regret having written, spare a thought for the Alliance and Leicester which is shortly to lose its building society status and convert to a PLC.

In a letter to members, the company demonstrates that it has its systems act firmly in hand as it prepares to for a wider role in the provision of banking services. "You can help us by confirming that the enclosed details we currently hold on your mortgage and share accounts are correct. Where the details are incorrect, please make appropriate changes. Where you have a share account or mortgage that is not listed, please write these in the box at the bottom of the form," writes Bryan H Cassidy, director of customer services (for the moment).

If Mole were an Alliance and Leicester customer, he would be sorely tempted to write nothing in the box, cancel the relevant standing orders and hope that his missing or incorrect details never came to light in the ensuing chaos.

No Mole would be complete without a gratuitous dig at Microsoft, so here is this week's offering. In a piece of nonsense he has been sent, Windows 95 is compared to another great saviour, Jesus of Nazareth. To take just a few examples, while Jesus was renowned for his ability to walk on water, Windows 95 is almost as famous for being able to crawl on a 486. Jesus is remembered for protecting the weak, while Windows 95 simply has weak memory protection. Finally, while the son of God started life as a carpenter, the son of Windows 3.1 turns perfectly good computers into furniture.

Okay Nick, next time try it with sticks
That's probably enough blasphemy for one week, but before we leave the subject of Microsoft, Mole detects signs that the company's business partners quickly get up to speed on the Bill Gates way of doing things. In a report on the joint cable TV venture into which Microsoft and NBC will sink $250 million, we learn that any cable operator which decides not to distribute the news channel will get no other programming from NBC. There's no hand like a heavy one.

And the Gates effect is also being felt at America OnLine following the CompuServe deal with Microsoft last month. As was widely reported, AOL shares lost $5 as the new reached Wall Street. Less widely reported was the rumour that among those bailing out was an investor named Steve Case who offloaded 275,000 shares. Mr Case is, of course, AOL's chief executive.

Don't lose hope. Mole won't be giving up without a fight. Send your jokes, gossip, unsubstantiated rumours and real-life horror stories to mole@vnu.co.uk. Give him a ring on 0171 316 9068 or fax him on 0171 316 9840.

This column first appeared in the UK edition of PC Week, 11 June 1996.
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