═══ 1. DogBoy Introduction ═══ About... Versions PetLink Installation Warnings ═══ About... ═══ DogBoy background: DogBoy began as the brainchild of a man and a woman now known only as "The DogBoy Team". On approximately 1/1/92, the leader of the DogBoy team experienced a psychic dream in which his cat, Picard, spoke to him, showing him a detailed structure of how to create the hardware and software to facilitate a full psychic link between a computer and a marginally to extremely intelligent pet. Exactly one-year later, the two-person team had completed the hardware portion of the project and much of the PetKnowledge computer-to-psychic PetLink software. Progress had almost come to a halt when, on 4/1/93, the team leader had another dream, one that he could not remember upon waking. While trying to recall the last vanishing wisps of his dream, he began hearing voices in his head. Horrifically, they appeared to come from Picard, his prodigy cat. He was then oddly pulled via some unknown psychic link towards the DogBoy lab. To his surprise, Picard had completed the coding of the PetKnowledge software and risen to a solid Stage 5 of the then-sketchy 20-stage process. Unfortunately, 5 hours of constant mind-enhancement through the use of the PetScan-PetLink virtual reality system had psychically drained Picard to the point where he could not shut off the PetKnowledge process. Picard called out to the only person that he felt confident could receive his psychic grappling for a toehold back to sanity at such an early stage in the heretofore untested waters of the PetKnowledge process. Thus began the start of a glorious journey into the complexities of the mind, the burgeoning paths of cyberspace, and pet-human advancement the likes of which none had ever seen... ═══ Versions ═══ v1.3 07/15/95: o Updates: - PetExoskeleton now incorporates the latest in state-of-the-art carbon fiber weaving with a stress differential of 10000 lbs/sq. inch. - PetUniversalTranslator now translates Cantonese, Swahili, and Ancient Roman. - Batch #208 of PetFood has been successfully recalled. - PetWater Bowl amperage reduced. - PetFold - PetMind - PetControl - PetMonitor v1.21 03/01/95: o Additions: - Auto-shutoff of PetRa if sunstroke detected. - PetGi now available with non-stick or PetFiber weave patterns. v1.2 12/25/94: o Additions: - PetType - PetWeb - PetRa - PetFocus - PetFocus/2 o Fixes: - PetC: o Corrected ErasePetMind() o Modified GetPetLegCount() to allow for more than 12 legs. - PetLink: o Corrected interface to allow for a multi-phasic distribution of correctional command structures. (Sorry, Richard Flue, hope your pet comes out of the coma soon...) v1.1 09/01/94: o Additions: - PetC: o Added new function GetPetMindMap() o Added new function GetPetHairType() o Added new function SetPetVolumeLevel() o Fixes: - PetDrive: o Corrected shift point calculation for 4-speed Japanese automatics to prevent overuse of Overdrive. - Documentation: o Clarified various descriptions o Discontinued use of PetSpell Checker until bugs are resolved v1.0 06/01/94: o First release date ═══ PetLink Installation ═══ PetLink Installation: 1. Execute the program INSTALL.EXE, located in the directory in which you unzipped the ZIP file. 2. Attach your pet. 3. The Installation will create a folder on your desktop. Open this folder to access the various Pet programs. 4. This folder can be moved inside another folder, etc. if needed. ═══ Warnings ═══ Warnings: 1. As with any new Pet product, consult a veterinarian before beginning any pet tutorial regime. 2. Do not leave your Pet connected for longer than 2 hours at a time, especially unattended. 3. Do not use Pet software on a human unless said product is specifically designed for that usage. 4. Never use this product with anything other than your own pet. This includes stuffed animals, neighborhood children, your spouse and/or loved ones. 5. When using the DogBoy family of products, never wear or allow your pet to wear an item of clothing with any of the following words on its label: a. "Flame-retardant" b. "Flame-resistant" c. "Flame-inducing" d. "Flame-friendly" e. "Dry-Clean only" f. "Turn inside out before washing" g. "90% Acrylic" h. "Wash separately in cold" i. "Do not cure bacon on this product" j. "Made in USA" (Note lack of periods) ═══ 2. Products ═══ Requirements PetLink PetTalk PetCoding PetKnowledge PetDrive PetDream PetSpace PetInteract PetKill PetCareer PetCareer/2 DogBoy Tutor PetType PetWeb PetRa PetFocus PetFocus/2 PetFold PetMind PetControl PetMonitor ═══ Requirements ═══ Most of these products require the following: o A registered PetLink psychic link card w/cable o A current licensed copy of the PetLink pet interface software o Frequent viewing of "Joe vs. the Volcano" on home video (BETA ONLY) o A PetScan virtual reality pet headset o A computer with at least a 486/25Mhz processor, PowerPC for optimal response time. o At least OS/2 v2.0, preferably Warp (w/256Mb RAM). o A pet Other requirements for various product(s) are noted under the specific product(s). ═══ PetLink ═══ PetLink: Pet Products hardware interface This package provides the software and drivers necessary to link OS/2 to your DogBoy Pet hardware. ═══ PetTalk ═══ PetTalk: Allows pets to use the voice interface of your computer. Warning: Discontinue usage immediately if pet begins talking backward or in a foreign language (which he had not previously exhibited a familiarity with.) Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - A computer with the base sound interface hardware/software installed and in working order. - A non-mute pet. ═══ PetCoding ═══ PetCoding. Pet programming language package (currently cats only): Allows your pet to program via various languages via a psychic link. Use in conjunction with PetTalk. Options available: o PetAssembler o PetPascal o PetVisual C/C++ o PetCOBOL o PetREXX o PetUNIX Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - A pet who is willing to unleash the power of his own psyche ═══ PetKnowledge ═══ PetKnowledge: The PetKnowledge process is a detailed 20-step procedure through which your Pet can learn at an accelerated rate through CD-ROM tutorials. May be necessary if your pet(s) is/are not intelligent enough to use PetTalk, PetC, and other DogBoy pet-interface products. This is specifically useful for such lower-intelligence creatures as goldfish, hamsters, bacteria, and lizards. Of course, some people just have really stupid dogs... Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - CD-ROM Drive (at least 3X, preferably 4X) - A loving but sadly moronic pet ═══ PetDrive ═══ PetDrive: Teaches pet how to drive your car (sorry, automatic transmission ONLY). Versions 2.0 and later fix what has come to be known as the "Toonces" problem. Versions 2.0 and later also includes support for the PetScan virtual reality headset and PetTalk. Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - A car, preferably not your own, or at least nothing you plan to keep in good condition - A phone book or booster seat (Denny's works best) - Huge blocks of wood and used bungee cords to strap to pet's feet/paws to elongate reach and solve that bothersome braking and accelerating problem ═══ PetDream ═══ PetDream: Allows you to experience your pet's dreams as if you were there. This application develops an appreciation and closeness between owner and pet. Formerly callous owners can now understand their pet's "seemingly" wild mood swings and forbidden desires a pet finds difficult to express. Caution: It is not recommended that you re-experience the dreams of either rottweilers or chihuahuas. Their dreams have, unfortunately, been proven to promote brain clouds in 32.274% of users. Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Requires a PetScan virtual reality headset with the DreamScan option - Some funky pizza or chili to feed your pet right before he falls into a gentle slumber - Recommended for use with the DogBoy Sleepy-Time pet bed ═══ PetSpace ═══ PetSpace: Enables your pet to "exist" in Cyberspace as a non-entity, full-user, router, observer, etc. Your pet can perform the following tasks depending on its current Stage in the PetKnowledge program: 1-2 Menial tasks such as your user id maintenance, assisted message reading, etc. 3-4 Pet can assist you in ftp'ing sites, file transfer and receival, chatting, etc. 5 Pet can "smooth" cyberspace to facilitate the routing of your Internet messages. Pet can program, via Telnet, all makes/models of Routers. Pet can assist in Source-route bridging, all facets of router table creation, and IP filtering. 6-7 Stage 5 + pet can "exist" on the Internet as a pseudo-solid figure that other users can interact with in tandem. 8-10 Stage 7 + pet can "control" the complete Internet and re-program its control programs, routing tables, etc. at will. (Not recommended at this time due to certain legal "concerns" currently under litigation.) 11-20 Current pets under development have yet to reach this level and I am actually scared what will be possible when they do. Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Internet ID - An understanding of pet limitations (preferably gained through extensive use of the PetDream application) - Pet must have completed PetUNIX ═══ PetInteract ═══ PetInteract: Picard's (my prodigy cat) second program written using PetC and PetAssembler. Allows you and your pet(s) to communicate psychically via the PetScan headset. Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - PetScan headset - Your pet must have completed at least Stage 3 of the PetKnowledge program - You must have completed Stage 10 of the DogBoy Tutor program and have been able to successfully transfer your body astrally to 5 different astral planes - You must be at least 5 feet tall and weigh at least 100 pounds to withstand the psychic stress involved - Your pet must know how to control a simple LAN with less than 20 users. ═══ PetKill ═══ PetKill: Picard's evil brother, who had to be "disposed of," wrote this one Saturday to enable your pet to destroy the minds of your enemies by creating a virtual brain cloud. This will slowly break down the link between the two hemispheres of the brain, causing insanity, and ultimately, complete and utter mental disintegration. (In effect, the person of your choice will become a pseudo-vegetable). The following timetable is accurate to within +/- 15 minutes: 1 hour: Subject will wet him/herself 1.5 hours: Subject will engage in uncontrollable projectile vomiting, most often coughing up over 96% of his/her stomach tissue 2 hours: Subject's left nipple will detach itself 3 hours: Subject's complete left side will go mysteriously numb and his/her right pinky with spontaneously explode 4 hours: Subject's corneas will spring from the eyes like rubber bands, leaving a trail of blood droplets and muscle fragments across the floor. (Careful! Don't Slip!) 5 hours: Subject's mind will cease to function, his/her bowels will empty, and the bladder will implode, causing a disturbing gap in the central torso. Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - A general Hate of all things living - Exceptionally strong pet Ego to compensate for the overdevelopment of the Id caused by the unavoidable and, frankly, entertaining abuse of this application ═══ PetCareer ═══ PetCareer: Allows your pet, through the magic of the pyramid scheme, to become a second (or third or fourth) major income producer in your household. Assumes your pet is at least Stage 5 of the PetKnowledge program (If s/he is not, DO NOT use this product. Uncontrollable purchases of slum properties may result). Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Greed ═══ PetCareer/2 ═══ PetCareer/2: After your Pet has completed the PetCareer process, s/he may enjoy the benefits of further specialized training through extended use of the following products: PetWriter: Allows your pet to compose screen-plays, scripts, etc. (May result in sub-standard script suitable only for television) PetStock: Allows your pet to become a stockbroker. (Use to "Go Short" ONLY) PetWeld: Allows you pet to become a welder. (PetMask recommended) PetPreach: Allows your pet to become a minister, monk, preacher, etc. (Marriages not legal in all 50 states, Use of this product may result in uncontrolled lightning strikes) PetAuto: Allows your pet to become an auto mechanic (not for BMW). PetLawyer: Allows your pet to become a lawyer (Trial lawyer option still under development) PetDoctor: Allows your pet to become a doctor (proctology kit sold separately) PetEMT: Allows your pet to become an EMT PetBroker: Allows your pet to become a Real Estate Broker (Your pet may rip you off) PetRealtor: Allows your pet to become a Realtor (Your pet may not want to show you more than 3 properties, it cuts down on indecision) PetPlumber: Allows your pet to become a Plumber (Be careful with the lye) PetResearch Assistant: Allows your pet to become a Research Assistant (Do not let pet clean beakers) PetPilot: Allows your pet to become a Pilot (Cessnas ONLY) PetRetail: Allows your pet to become a Retail Manager (Do not let pet wear bright colors) PetProducer: Allows your pet to become a Producer (B-movies only) PetMagician: Allows your pet to become a Magician (Pet may disappear unexpectedly) PetPipe Fitter: Allows your pet to become a Pipe Fitter (PetWrenches sold separately) PetSurfer: Allows your pet to become a surfer (PetBoards sold separately) PetSnowBoarder: Allows your pet to become a snowboarder (PetBoards sold separately) PetModel: Allows your pet to become a Model (On the catwalk, baby...) PetGarbagePerson: Allows your pet to become a Garbage person (May result in increased garbage consumption by pet, always supervise) PetDentist: Allows your pet to become a Dentist (PetGas kit sold separately) PetSurgeon: Allows your pet to become a Brain surgeon (PetScalpel, PetBone Saw sold separately) PetEngineer: Allows your pet to become an engineer (not for use with spanning bridge design) PetInventor: Allows your pet to become an inventor (PetMagnetic alignment kit sold separately) PetDancer: Allows your pet to become a dancer (PetTutu sold separately) PetSinger: Allows your pet to become a singer (PetMicrophone sold separately) PetPrint: Allows your pet to become a Printer (PetInk and PetColorPrinter sold separately) PetArtist: Allows your pet to become an artist (Post-modern only at this time) PetForger: Allows your pet to become a professional forger (Do not create $20 bills) PetTV Repairman: Allows your pet to become a TV Repairman (Not for use w/Sony) PetPoliceman: Allows your pet to become a Policeman (Do NOT over-use this product. May result in uncontrollable bias.) PetFireman: Allows your pet to become a Fireperson PetPsychologist: Allows your pet to become a psychologist (Other pets only) PetFBI: Allows your pet to become a FBI agent (Recommend using PetGun for any needed gun fire exchanges) PetCIA: Allows your pet to become a CIA operative (May result in abnormal disappearances of neighborhood pets, children, or personal property) PetAssassin: Allows your pet to become an Assassin (Pet will be accurate only from Book Depositories) PetPolitician: Allows your pet to become a Politician (May result in corruption) PetBanker: Allows your pet to become a Banker (Do not directly expose pet to card readers, pin pads, or receipt printers) PetCabler: Allows your pet to become a Cabler (TV cable only) PetKeebler Elf: Allows your pet to become a registered Keebler Elf, with all the rights and privileges therein PetVet: Allows your pet to become a pet veterinarian (To give something back to a people who have given him so much) PetSoap Star: Allows your pet to become a Soap Star PetTeen Idol: Allows your pet to become a Teen Idol Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Greed ═══ DogBoy Tutor ═══ DogBoy Tutor: The DogBoy Tutor is the human product equivalent to PetKnowledge. Brings to life the much talked about, in fact fabled, direct virtual reality connection between the human mind and the computer. Allows the human mind to learn at an astronomical rate comparable to using over 35% of the human brain. Optional direct cornea connection has been shown to raise this to 50% but the current side effects (including, but not limited to, partial or full blindness) make this unwise. However, due to the fact that my cat prodigy, Picard, has only reached Stage 7 of the PetKnowledge program (out of 20 stages, in case you are not familiar with the process), Picard is currently limited to 10,000 lines of C code per day (via PetC). Therefore, this product may be unstable and/or delayed. Available for: You Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Optional eye-care droplets, laser scalpel, and head brace may be needed with direct cornea connection ═══ PetType ═══ PetType: Teach your Pet to type up to 100 words-per-minute. Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Typewriter/computer with at least 101 keys. ═══ PetWeb ═══ PetWeb: Help your Pet set up a Homepage on the World-Wide Web! Available for: Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - WWW software. - HTML knowledge - Completion of Multimedia and Network Advertising - Techniques for Success, a course given once a year in Nantucket, Maine. ═══ PetRa ═══ PetRa: An introductory tutorial in the ways of Ra, Sun God. Liberally translated from an ancient Mayan tablet using extrapolated information from the caves at Alapazor. Available for: You or Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - A 1/100 size scale model of the main temple located in PaКz. ═══ PetFocus ═══ PetFocus: An introductory tutorial on focusing the mind. Covers the following topics: 1. Calming the Mind, Calming the Body. 2. When we are at peace with each other, We are at peace with one another 3. Seeing, Agreeing, Being 4. Focal Points 5. Intro to Pushing 6. Intro to Bending Available for: You or Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Patience and understanding. ═══ PetFocus/2 ═══ PetFocus/2: Other topics available after completion of PetFocus: o Pushing - Controlling Destiny: - Pushing Luck - Pushing Fate - Pushing Love - Pushing Views o Bending - Shaping the World around you: - Bending Focus - Bending Knowledge - Bending Pain - Bending Physicality Available for: You or Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Patience and understanding. ═══ PetFold ═══ PetFold: An introduction to folding the mobius strip of space-time. Can be used with you or your pet, provided you are under 6 feet, 6 inches tall. Available for: You or Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - A 2-meter pseudo-cyclotron, preferably located in a styrofoam-balanced, cement-enclosed basement. Construction should be of 1-inch styrofoam globules suspended in a 50% Egyptian sand, H2O molecular configuration. - A universal remote that can functionally automate all Sony Trinitron televisions. - A magnetic enclosure capable of dispersing a 2 gigawatt charge while in a plasma-induced vacuum. - A 1-lb. package of generic brand bacon, maintained at a near-constant temperature of 74.63 degrees Kelvin. ═══ PetMind ═══ PetMind: The definitive tool for creating real-time 3-dimensional on-screen mind-map displays. This tool currently includes the following: o Full-object-oriented Graphical User Interface. o SOM/DSOM - capable. o CID-enabled. o MindScript included free to record/play back frequently used mind-programming scripts. o Supports T1/T3 statistical multi-plexing of data. o ATM and Frame-Relay will be supported beginning 12/95. o Will support the new FOC (Fiber-optic compression) algorithms in 1998 when PacBell completes laying fiber to all California housing. o 1000 initial reports/statistical analysis options provided with industry-certified reports-creation utility. o Local and remote connect via parallel, modem, serial link, microwave, infrared, and DogThought MindMelt (c 1995 DogBoy). Available for: You or Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - Multiplexing requires a maximum 50-millisecond transfer rate across your network cloud. - DogThought MindMelt requires: o DogThought helmet with universal cable. o Either a line-of-sight connection or a concentric-orbit dedicated satellite capable of +/- 0.000001 Mhz bandwidth dispersal. o A full understanding of the Doppler effect/red-shifting. ═══ PetControl ═══ PetControl: A deadly accurate utility for subliminally controlling up to 1,000,000 concurrent pupils. PetControl is a multi-stage program involving the following: Stage 1: Students begin their training by learning to produce alpha-waves and envision the mind as a 3-D map. (PetMind may assist in this visualization.) Estimated duration: 2 hours Stage 2: Introduction to the Master/Pupil schema, with emphasis on basic techniques in 3-D MindMap manipulation with the DogBoy MindGlove tool. Estimated duration: 3 hours Stage 3: Further development of the concepts introduced in Stage 2. Mastery of the MindGlove is perfected in this stage, along with full control of metacarpul tensioning and release techniques. Other topics include: Introduction to Temporal Mind Distortions and Intermediate Hallucination Generation in sub-normal subjects. Estimated duration: 3 hours Stage 4: Mind Bending techniques are introduced, along with Mind Folding Estimated duration: 4 hours Stage 5: Mind Bending and Mind Folding techniques are expanded to include remote control of others, exploratory psychic surgery, Death Pinch, and Mind Warp. Estimated duration: 6 hours Stage 6: Under Development - Available 9/1/95 Stage 7: Under Development - Available 9/1/95 Stage 8: Under Development - Available 9/1/95 Stage 9: Under Development - Available 9/1/95 Stage 10: Under Development - Available 9/1/95 Available for: You or Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - An intimate knowledge of the creation, maintenance, and ultimate demise of Level 6 pain thresholds. - An introduction to Plasma by J. Karl Reinholdt, (c)1988 - An unusual amount of self-loathing incorporated into a psychotically destructive hate of human progress. ═══ PetMonitor ═══ PetMonitor: Allows you or your pet to counter the multitude of monitors currently under initial setup and trial by the United States government, large businesses, and foreign computer terrorists. PetMonitor currently counters the following: FAXNet: As you are probably aware, 60% of FAX machines and 96% of FAX Modems are monitored nightly. At approx. 2 a.m. every morning (depending on your Area Code and Prefix), the FAX logs stored in RAM within your modem are dumped to a master database which catalogs and types your FAXes and places key information into your master database record in Washington. PetMonitor counters this by: o Not allowing any incoming calls matching the pattern of FAXNet. o Users can schedule nightly calls from PetMonitor to their FAX machines that dump the "undumpable" logs. BBSNet: Every BBS is logged onto weekly, its message bases downloaded and scanned for "counter-productive" phrases, and an intricate scoreboard of "Levels of Danger" is computed. BBSs that reach a certain score are investigated. PetMonitor counters this by: o Not allowing any incoming calls matching the pattern of BBSNet. Untitled: Several large businesses, mainly marketing firms, are currently "typing" everyone in the United States in preparation for the end of the 10-year "Information Superhighway" plan. At the end of this plan, legislation will be passed that allows for government-provided mail terminals for everyone to begin placing all mail on-line. This "typing" will replace current lists that are for sale by various pseudo-companies that give prospective customers for specific products. If you think "junk" mail is bad now, you can not even imagine what the future holds... PetMonitor counters this by: o Automatically answering all automated phone calls and providing structured, meaningful answers to the questions asked that place you in the "Uncategorizable" category of these "typing" questionnaires. o When the mail terminals are on-line, it will respond to all "junk" mail with seemingly useful responses that, when examined closely, reveal nothing consistent about you or your habits. o Provides a monthly list of questionnaires, fake mailings, etc. that should not, under any circumstances, be returned, especially if you have "won" something. Available for: You or Your Pet Additional requirements other than those listed under Requirements: - A modem Other tips: o The only security is physical security. ═══ 3. Companion Products ═══ Hardware Accessories Food Stuffs Clothes Other ═══ Hardware ═══ Base Hardware: o ISA Board: An ISA Board for use with most EISA-ISA based machines. o EISA Board: An EISA board for use with EISA PC systems. o M/C Board: Microchannel board for use with Microchannel machines. o Serial Port cable: 25-to-2275 pin cable for Serial-to-headset connections o Parallel Port cable: 25-to-2275 pin cable for Serial-to-headset connections o PetScan virtual reality headset: Pet psychic link headset for use with most PetProducts. o PetScan headset cable: Board to headset cable for use with M/C, ISA, or EISA PC board. ═══ Accessories ═══ Pet Supplies: o PetExoskeleton: An external skeleton for your pet for use with PetWelder, PetAuto, PetDefense, or any time your Pet needs that extra bit of support, whether physical or mental. May also assist pet is standing on two feet/paws/etc. Very useful when kickboxing or knife-fighting. o PetFriend: A small stuffed animal for your pet that provides soothing, mind-numbing psychic pulses to calm him/her. Has also been shown to increase the production of Alpha waves in young children. o PetPyramid Helmet: Help your pet harness the power of the pyramids with this special helmet. One size fits all. o PetExtinguisher: A unique combination of chemicals that has been proven to extinguish pets that have been put aflame faster than any other product on the market. Ask for it by name! o PetField: Pet force field. (Just in case they return...) o PetWater Bowl: Rechargeable water bowl for your pet. PetWater Bowl aligns the water molecules for greater absorption into your pet's digestive system. Warning: Do not recharge within reach of your pet. May result in unintentional electrocution. o PetAction figure: DogBoy can provide an action figure of any pet that has been digitized with PetDigitizer. Includes the following with your action figure: Jet pack, throwing stars, spring-action switchblade, and nuclear warhead. Arm band(s) sold separately. o PetPrint Kit: Paw/foot printing kit for use with PetPrint. Specify pet type when ordering. o PetTorch: Butane torch for use with PetWeld. Do let pet use unattended or on automobiles. o PetGun: A modified fully automatic 9mm handgun specially fitted for pet usage. Specify pet type when ordering. The following may also be requested: Hollow-point or soft-tip ammunition and custom grain mixtures and/or weights. o PetKnife: A flame-hardened, forged 6" knife with a 4" blade. Specify handle type, alloy mixture, and pet type when ordering. ═══ Food Stuffs ═══ o PetFood: A special blend of food for your pet that has been shown to improve overall physique, mental balance, and intelligence when used in conjunction with the PetKnowledge process(es). Read label and fully understand dosages before using. o PetVitamins: An enhanced blend of vitamins for your pet(s), with emphasis on bulking up (mostly cranial). Guaranteed weight and intelligence gains or your money back! o PetChew: Chew toys for your pet that provide a short burst of energy, often useful in overcoming internal blockades caused by insecurity, lack of self-respect, or just plain shyness. ═══ Clothes ═══ o Pet Merchandise: - PetSlippers: Small booties to keep your pet's footsies warm on those cold winter nights. Available with small human heads on the toes. - PetFlame-Proof Parka: In the event your pet requires clothing while enjoying the pleasures of the PetProducts, we highly recommend this PetFlame-Proof Parka to prevent unwanted combustion. - PetDenim Jacket: A rugged Levi-style denim jacket for your pet. One size fits all. - PetGi: Gi for your pet for use with PetDefense. One size fits all. Belts also available. o Human Merchandise: - Clothing: o Shirts: Emblazoned with the PetProducts and DogBoy logos. Available in S-5X, child and adult. o Sweats: Emblazoned with the PetProducts and DogBoy logos. Available in S-5X, child and adult. o Hats: Emblazoned with the PetProducts and DogBoy logos. Available in S-5X, child and adult. ═══ Other ═══ o PetMagnet: A stunning refrigerator magnet. Available with the following pets: Dog, cat, lizard, gila, rabbit, hare, mouse, hamster, pig, and horse. Others available upon special request. o PetBumper Sticker: Bumper sticker to show your support of PetProducts. Available in the following slogans: - "My Pet Loves PetKnowledge" - "I completed Stage 10 of the PetKnowledge process" - "My pet is on the honor roll" - "My pet pet is at stage X of the PetKnowledge process" - "Protect your pets with PetPrint" o Key chains: Emblazoned with the PetProducts and DogBoy logos. o Bookmarks: Emblazoned with the PetProducts and DogBoy logos. ═══ 4. Support ═══ Contacting DogBoy Support Future Enhancements Trademarks ═══ Contacting DogBoy ═══ If you or your Pet wishes to contact DogBoy for further information on any/all of the DogBoy products, please do so at the following addresses: Compuserve: 75000,570 Internet: 75000.570@compuserve.com No Pets were hurt in the making of the original DogBoy products. Current testing in done under the supervision of the SPCA and the American Humane Society, both of which neither endorse or in any way are affiliated with the DogBoy Conglomerate. Pricing structures and/or further information can be obtained by contacting your nearest DogBoy representative. All hardware purchases much be made in German Deutschmarks and place in a private, numbered Swiss bank account. Software is available for preliminary testing and Beta testers are always needed. (Note: Beta testers must accept ALL conditions of testing before they will be accepted. Please contact us for the requirements.) ═══ Support ═══ Please contact DogBoy immediately if any problems occur/result from the use of these products. The DogBoy Conglomerate is not responsible for the following which may result from the use of any DogBoy PetProduct: o Psychic stress o Full or partial dismemberment o Brain tissue loss o Brain cell damage o Eye/cornea damage o Sudden loss of toe nail growth o Hair loss/receding hair line o New hair growth in unwanted areas o Loss of friends o Loss of loved ones o Loss of memories o Loss of knowledge o Loss of personal possessions o Loss of self-respect o Loss of pet o Damage to pet from seemingly random forces of nature o Disturbing loss of control over you or your pet's superego o Bacon-related illness(es) o Uncontrollable dimensional shifting o Hearing "difficulties" o Intuitive knowledge of exactly how Fast Food is made o "Unique" pains felt in lower abdomen. ═══ Future Enhancements ═══ Future Products from DogBoy: PetGPS: A Global Positioning System for your pet. PetPrint: A paw/foot print kit for your pet. PetDefense: Self-defense tutorial(s) for your pet. May include the following arts: Tai Chi, Judo, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Pepper Spray Certification, Gun Safety, Archery, and Boxing. PetDate: World-wide dating service for your pet. PetSign: Sign language tutorial for your pet. PetDigitizer: Digitize your pet. Pet Digitizer will provide a 3D image of your pet, allowing you to catalog any/all scars, tattoos, blemishes, and irregularities. Useful in conjunction with PetPrint. PetChef: Teaches pet to be a 5-star chef but without the gooey mess on the side of your plate with every course. PetCure: Instructs Pet in the wonders of dehydration and curing. (Pet pigs should not use this product to cure bacon.) ═══ Trademarks ═══ IBM and OS/2 are trademarks of International Business Machines DogBoy and PetProducts are registered trademarks of Everett Barnes and the DogBoy Conglomerate Other products/companies/trademarks I may have mentioned are the sole property of their respective owners and will be removed upon formal request