MacGimmick

Gadget Goes to Washington Dept.

Voice 1: Look!? A guy leaped out a ten story window and landed in a trash can and how he's rolling down the street in it!
Voice 2: I'll bet he's some undercover cop or a top government agent chasing spies!
Voice 3: Wrong, folks! He's just on his way down to the corner to buy a newspaper!
Voice 4: Really? Then why did he jump instead of just taking the stairs like a normal person?
Voice 3: Stairs? No way! He's got to show off his inane, I mean innate, inventiveness! He's ...

MacGimmick

Artist: Angelo Torres Writer: Dick Debartolo

Old Lady: MacGimmick, my landlord is trying to force me out of my apartment! He's made my life a living hell!
Mac: Here!
Old Lady: Your business card?
Mac: No, The Equalizer's phone number! I don't do "local stuff"!

Lady: MacGimmick, my niece supposedly committed suicide but I think she was murdered!
Mac: Here!
Lady: Your business card?
Mac: No, the home phone number of Jessica over at _Murder_She_Wrote_! I don't do "murders of friends and relatives!"

Woman: MacGimmick, I think my boss is involved in some international conspiracy!
Mac: International conspiracy! Great! Here!
Woman: This says "Do not pass Go, do not collect $200"!
Mac: Only on one side! Flip it over! I transformed it into my business card!
Woman: Wow! You really are cleaver! And CHEAP!

Woman: I see you live on a boat!
Mac: Of course! It's not so unusual. Lots of famous sleuths have lived on boats. Sonny Crockett from _Miami_Vice_, B. L. Stryker, the team of Simon and Simon and even Quincy all lived on boats!
Woman: True, but non of them converted their boat into a treehouse!

[Next frame shows a boat in a tree. There's a life preserver with "USS Caine" written on it. The anchor is thrown over the side. There is a mailbox and a garbage can down below. Also, there's a picture of Calvin and Hobbes with Calvin saying "WOW!]

Woman: I work for a fruit exporter. Something strange is going on at the company. Lately, my boss has been getting outrageous prices for the crates of oranges we export!
Mac: Last spring's frost did drive up the price of produce!
Woman: He's getting $2,000 a case!
Mac: Wow! at that price a quart of orange juice would cost $300! That's even more than a 7-Eleven would charge!

Mac: Your story bears investigation! Let's see, I have a gun, rope, food, waterproof matches ...
Woman: I'm glad to see you're taking that stuff along!
Mac: Oh, I never take anything along! I take inventory before I leave to make sure I don't accidentally bring something that might cut down on my ability to improvise!

Mac: This motorcycle is a little weird, I know! But I built it myself!
Woman: My, aren't you clever!
Mac: Yep, I made it out of a 1990 Lincoln Continental!
Woman: You should buy a real motorcycle! You could probably make it into a great skateboard!

Woman: A friend gave me your name but they didn't tell me who you work for.
Mac: I work for the The Phonex Agency! It's a top secret organization!
Woman: Really? Who funds it? Who pays your salary?
Mac: Sorry, those are the TOP TWO SECRETS!

Woman: That's where I work, Fraud Fruit Exporters.
Mac: Is there a night watchman?
Woman: Yes, and that's another suspicious thing! The night watchman works 9 to 5 just like the rest of us!
[The back of the motorcycle has the words "Continental Custom Built". They are also shown driving by a box labeled "toxic waste" which contains issues of Mad Magazine]

Woman: Now I'll show you around inside!
Mac: Wait! Watch this! I take an ordinary stick and a piece of rusty metal! Eyeballing the lock, I start to whittle a key!
Woman: But I have the key!
Mac: Good! Give it to me! Whittling will go much faster if I use the actual key as a guide to make my copy!

Mac: On second thought, we'll have to climb inside!
Woman: We wouldn't have to if you didn't screw up the lock with that stupid wooden key!
Mac: I'll cut the wires to the burglar alarm!
Woman: Hold it! Wait! That's not --
[The wire Mac is about to cuts leads to a box labeled "Danger High Voltage]

Woman: I'm trying to tell you -- there is no burglar alarm! You cut the wires to the company's electric supply!
Mac: I knew that!! It was merely a clever ploy for me to use my entire body as a flashlight! Now I can see the window clearly!

[in an office]
Woman: Look! Last year on sales of $1 million, we cleared a profit of 42 million dollars!
Mac: God, I'd love to have your accountant do my taxes!
Woman: I'll tell him! He'll be eligible for parole in about ten years!

Mac: There! I made a hole in the wall with this forklift so we can get to the the shipping dock!
Woman: You go through the hole you made! I'll just use this unlocked door that leads to the same place!

[outside at the shipping dock, there's a boat with the word "Horizon"]
Mac: "The Horizon sails tonight at nidnight!?" Humm ... it must be some sort of code!
Woman: See that big ship over there? It's named the Horizon! It sails at midnight!
Mac: Hey -- you broke the code! You're my kind of woman!

[Mac is now at a phone on the dock]
Mac: We've got to catch your boss red-handed! We'll get a foreigner to pose as the president of a third-world nation who wants to buy illegal weapons! But we have to work fast!
Woman: Where can we find a foreigner at this time of night?!
Mac: Easy! We'll call a New York cab! I haven't gotten in one yet that wasn't driven by a foreigner!

[Back inside somewhere]
Woman: My boss is on his way!
Mac: And I've briefed the cabbie on exactly how to act!
Woman: MacGimmick, people may believe you can make a car into a motorcycle, but asking them to believe you can turn a cab driver into a president is really pushing it!

[Inside with the boss]
Boss: I'm happy to meet you, Mr. President! Exactly how much are you willing to pay for 1,000 of these guns for your little country of Absurdo?
Cabbie: My country is prepared to pay you fifty thousand dollars!
Boss: $50,000?? That's all?
Cabbie: No, $50,000 plus tip!

[They're still inside, but Mac is outside eavesdropping]
Boss: Tip? What are you talking about?
Cabbie: Er ... $50,000 for you, and a $5,000 tip to your secretary for arranging the deal!
Boss: Agreed! Do you have a ship to pick up the guns?
Cabbie: No! I'll take them back to my country in my cab!

[Back inside]
Boss: Cab?!!
Cabbie: I'll have to make several trips!
Mac: Okay, the game is up, slimeball! Put up your hands!
Woman: MacGimmick, how can you threaten him with a yardstick?!
Mac: It's a yardstick, but in 20 minutes, I could make this into a death-dealing sword!

Boss: There's no need for violence! I assure you, this is an honest operation!
Mac: Really? How come every case I've opened contains a few dozen oranges and the rest is guns and ammunition?
Boss: The orange business is slow! We give the guns and ammunition away as "premiums"!

[The three of them are now tied up in a room filled with weapons]
Woman: Why did you let us all get caught?
Mac: Escaping is the only fun I have! Once, I was tied up down on the docks and I cut the lines with a swordfish!
Woman: Do you have a swordfish now?
Mac: No, but I was able to reach a tuna salad sandwich someone left from lunch! Cutting the ropes with it may take a bit longer than the swordfish did, but I know I can make it work! Say, did I ever tell you how I once made a jet plane out of a frisbee? Of course, it could only seat two people!

Mac: We're free of the ropes, but we're locked in! What in the world could we use to get out?
Woman: MacGimmick, we're in a room full of guns, bombs and explosives and you ask "What can we use?"
Mac: Oh, okay, but I hate doing this! Image me -- MacGimmick -- sinking so low on the "creative escape meter" that I use explosives as explosives!

[The boss is being lead away by two SWAT men]
Mac: That creep won't be selling guns anymore!
Woman: But how exactly did he get caught?
Mac: I don't know! I don't sweat the little details!

[At Pete's office]
Mac: Sadie, you aren't going to be safe now that you ratted on your boss! Even with him in jail he can manage to get back at you!
Pete: You're going to have to get into our relocation program. We'll get you a good job, you'll make good money, but you'll just get lost in the mass of nameless faces and faceless names!
Woman: Does your relocation plan really work?
Pete: I'll say! Our last informer is currently going under the name of Dan Quayle!

[Just Mac and Pete]
Pete: MacGimmick, for your many years of loyal service to the Phonex Foundation, we'd like to present you with this 24 Karat gold Rolex watch!
Mac: Wow! Thanks! Hey, I can smash the crystal, pull off the hands, knock out the works and make this into a neat sundial that I can tell time with!