Four weeks ago, chunks of cast-iron guttering fell off a Georgian building in the street where we have our old bookshop in Whitehaven, a small town on the West Cumbrian coast.
I thought I would put up posters and name names. I would state who owned the rotten buildings, what his address was, what his telephone number was and I asked people to ring him up and to ask why he was almost single-handedly ruining the streetscape. Friends breathing in noisily through their teeth said I'd get sued. He's better off than you - he has more clout - what's more, his married daughter is a councillor! So much for her civic pride! I wrote several scripts on my computer, printed them on our laser printer in 30pt Helvetica - big and bold, and with a bucket of Solvite and a six-inch paste brush, went down the street, wearing my black apron, and put up posters on the doors and windows of the offending shops. I went back and forth all day, writing more as the Muse took over, and pasting more - unabashed - in broad daylight, on a market day. I coined some quite good phrases, or so I thought, like:
'Apathy has caused more dereliction in Whitehaven than dry-rot ever could.'
Gear Box loved the passing fame and put copies up in their windows. Another one read:
'If you are tearing your hair out trying to get this Council to act over building disrepair in Roper Street, Ian Kyle will cut it straight again - and his charges are very reasonable.'
With the computer on, it took but a few minutes to bob and weave to the changes, and I was out again with the Solvite bucket and brush as the climate changed. I was better prepared than the Council, unpredictable and quick. The fact that I said I would be prepared to go to jail seemed to filter back to the Council and it put them in a pickle.
Ed: The article ends with suspense: 'What happened next, I'll tell you next month.'
Michael Moon, The Second-Hand Bookshop, 41/2 Roper Street, Whitehaven, West Cumbria (tel 0946 62936).