On Fridays throughout the Spring term my colleague, Athena Matheou, and I met up with a group of year 6 pupils from a Bethnal Green Primary School, and then went together to a Residential Home for older people, just around the corner.
Walking over to the Home, conversation often included discussion of the forthcoming weekend, Comments on the cars we passed, but increasingly, talk of our friends arose; would so-and-so come this week, did it matter if someone fell asleep in the session, wasn't it lovely when everyone laughed so much at the story.
Before our first visit to the Home we'd spent some time thinking what it might be like there. None of the children had relatives who lived in residential care, but they all knew Anne, a school helper, who's mother, Ellen, lives at Silk Court.
For most of the children to be 'old' was to reach 30 or 40, and imagining being over 80 was a big leap. They could think of advantages, however. When you're old, (we finally agreed over 50) : -
"When someone comes to visit you, they bring lots of things".
"You'll have good memories".
"You get respect"
But on the other hand:
"Some people worry about when they will die"
"You might need a wheelchair"
"You have to ask people for help"
The first meeting between a group of young people and a group of older people can be full of nerves and shyness. At Magic Me we sometimes get a bit tired of the cliche about the natural affinity between young and old. Our experience is that friendships for anybody need time to build and grow, and we try to provide structures to allow this to happen.
The group of children were well aware that they were coming into the adults' home and had thought about how to greet people, and introduce themselves carefully. All the residents of Silk Court who came to the group use wheelchairs, and since many of them have suffered strokes, can only use one of their hands. It was impressive to see, from the start, how carefully the children shook hands with their partners, and as the weeks went by, found other ways of greeting and saying goodbye - holding their partner's hand in their two hands, stroking a hand, and so on.
The children had so many questions they wanted to ask the adults, some big questions, about what it felt like to be old, to need help, to contemplate dying, and also questions about the past, about their lives. Asking about the past is often a starting point when young and older people come together, but to start with, we looked at a way to enjoy the present lives of all the paricipants, to look for points in common.
In one excercise which we often use at this stage, a young and older person work together. They draw around each others hand, and then find out about each other's likes and dislikes, and how they would describe one another. This gives them time to settle with one other person, to have a framework for their questions.
All that they find out about each other is written into the drawing of the hand, often provoking discussion and discovery. For some of the older people drawing round the child's hand can be quite difficult, and watching the partners work I witnessed many ways the children found to help and support their partner without taking over.
Jenny and Syeda worked together and succeeded in finding out a lot about each other, and discovered a real affinity of temperament. Jenny's husband, Frank, lives at Silk Court. Frank's speech has been seriously impaired by a stroke, and he is sometimes quite confused. She was worried about Frank joining the group, and they agreed to come for one session and see how it went. They both enjoyed coming, and Jenny tried to help the children understand what Frank was saying. Soon, though, the children were asking her not to translate, as they felt that they could understand him themselves.
When Jenny and Frank did not arrive one morning, the children were worried, and sent a message asking them to come back next week. They had in fact, been celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary the night before and had had a lie-in!
One week we asked everyone to bring an object to the group which meant something to them. Athena and I were used to starting the group off with an activity, but in this session, before we had taken our coats off, the room was full of buzz, the children showing things they had made in school, or special objects from home, the adults with photographs, ornaments, books. May had a set of photgraphs in a frame, chosen for her by a care assistant. It became clear that she was becoming distressed by all the questions - she could not remember who was in the photos - and finally shouted at one of the children. Meera was understandably upset, and we talked for a long time about May's anger. Meera needed to know the anger was not just directed at her, and all the children struggled to imagine what it must be like not to remember.
In a mime game, the children mimed their partner's first job, and we all had to guess it, something which was quite difficult when so many of the jobs had disappeared; making silk flowers, packing cigarettes, sewing uniforms. Then the children mimed their ambitions, to be a footballer, a doctor, an archeologist - what a different world.
Iris talked to Shomee and I about her days as an amateur ballroom dancer. It made her cry to think about something which she is no longer able to do, but she came through the tears to explain to us the different dances which she used to do, and where the best dance-halls were. Later it was good to hear Shomee say "Iris is a good dancer", because she is, even if she is not able to dance now.
Our sessions lasted just an hour, ending with a ritual goodbye. I was amazed and delighted to see Tahira stroke the cheek of a particularly sharp-tongued old lady, and say, "Goodbye cheeky-bones". Ada was amazed and delighted too.
After each session we sat down in a circle with the children to hear about what everyone had enjoyed and what they found difficult. This time to reflect gave all of us a chance to digest what had always been a rich and varied hour, but also to value some very special friendships. One thing that we all learn in this work is how important the detail of the interaction is. All over he room there are little conversations, exchanges of glances, companionable touch, laughter, understanding and mis-understandings. The angle of someone's wheelchair can bring them in or out of the circle. An adult managing to learn your name can feel a real achievement. Working when you are tired because you are fasting (Muslim Festival of Eide) can be a real challenge. The realities of our lives and experiences don't go away, but in this meeting of two quite different worlds, the present moment becomes all important.
Magic Me runs projects in Tower Hamlets and Newham, London, UK, which bring together young and old people in shared creative activities. You can contact them on +44 (0)181-983 3544
Magic Me is looking at ways of opening up its membership, and would like to invite anyone who is interested to its AGM in September. If you would like to know more about how we work and what we do, and might be interested in becoming a member, please contact Susan Langford at Magic Me 33 Stroudley Walk, E3 3EW. Tel: +44 (0)181-983 3544
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