Clare Crombie on æMeeting Feelings with MercyÆ

My neck and shoulders had been tight and sore all week. IÆd been pushing my needs out of my awareness until yesterday when something æhappenedÆ while I was doing Yoga. I ended up in a lot of pain and hardly able to move. Finally I surrendered and began to take the opportunity to notice how I was meeting my feelings....meeting pain with anger, disgust, impatience and pretense. ô IÆll do something about you later, you shouldnÆt be there, go awayö. The usual top dog - underdog battles. I have an image of exchanging this oblong table, where we meet, for a round one, making space for more ways of being with myself.

I like the story of Milarepa, the Tibetan saint. He was meditating one day when three æbellicoseÆ demons appeared in the mouth of his cave; rattling skulls, stinking of rotten flesh, shouting obscenities, howling like a hurricane and generally doing all they could to be terrifying. He smiled and asked them to sit by the fire and take tea."But arenÆt you afraid of us"? They demanded. Not at all, you are always welcome, your hideous appearance only helps to remind me to be aware and have mercy. "Come, take tea!"

ThatÆs all for this month, writing is difficult because of my neck pain, and IÆm going back to my cave(bed) to spend some more time with this ædemonÆ. It would have been easier at the beginning of the week, when she wasnÆt so big and frightening......it would have helped to get on ætaking - teaÆ terms with some of the smaller demons and I didnÆt . I need to find mercy even for my mercilessness.

'The quality of mercy is not strained, it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath'. In my childÆs mind I used to imagine a sieve, and mercy being pushed through to get the lumps out. When I thought about it today I realised no, it means you canÆt push mercy, it falls, like rain, when the time is right, when the conditions predispose it to. and it just falls on the place which is beneath it. I donÆt know if this is what Shakespeare meant, but right now thatÆs how IÆm making sense of it for myself.