I have recently been discovering to what extent feelings of betrayal and revenge have been operating in my life. I feel a bit exposed admitting this. As though there was something shameful about having these feelings. I began to ask why. I first experienced these feelings in childhood; in my family and then at school. Later, they were triggered by partners, friends and colleagues. My usual response is anger and withdrawal, which I use to protect me from further hurt. Part of me wants to be vindicated, to get even. As a therapist and trainer working with couples and conflict resolution, these feelings are not only familiar to me in my own life. I encounter feelings of betrayal and revenge in my work on a regular basis. These feelings are frequently in the background, below conscious awareness but fuelling conflicts and dissatisfactions.
Society is full of the theme. The tabloid press and Hollywood films give us daily stories of people and characters playing out their betrayals and revenge. What do we vicariously work out in ourselves through this kind of entertainment? Betrayal and revenge are archetypal human experiences which have been part of the mythology, religions and history of Western culture since ancient times and are deeply rooted in our psychology. So what is their significance? I will explore with you what I have learned about the psychological significance of betrayal and revenge in our development, and the meaning of forgiveness as reconciliation and healing.
My big questions are: How can we let go of the pain associated with betrayal and live fully? What is the alternative to revenge? What is this forgiveness we are supposed to find? Personally, I haven't found it easy in my life.
It's easy to say, but to really let go, that's another story!
In part two, (August Issue) I will explore why forgiveness seems so unattractive and how we can move beyond patterns of revenge to allow healing.
Revenge and Forgiveness - a previous article by Robin Shoet and Bennett Fuchs
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