To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group!
-- Anon.

Beer:  Helping ugly people have sex since 1562.
-- Anon.

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they’re going to feel all day."  --Frank Sinatra

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot: Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.
--Attributed to David Geary

A little learning is a dangerous thing / Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian Spring /
There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain / And drinking largely sobers us again. -- Alexander Pope

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. -- Dave Barry

’Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
-- W.C. Fields


I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in a brewery. -- H. L. Mencken


If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
-- Joe E. Lewis

I find the only thing that really stands up, better than gambling,
better than booze, better than women, is reading. -- Mario Puzo

“Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the cost becomes prohibitive.”                               	--William F Buckley, Jr

“To alcohol! The cause of — and solution to — all of life’s problems.”
--Homer J. Simpson

There is nothing for a case of nerves like a case of beer.
--Joan Goldstein

If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.
--Samuel Butler


The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
--John Barrymore

If God had intended us to drink  beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Beer makes you sick when you're well, Beer when you're sick makes you well.
-- By way of Wayne's Dad

I drink to make other people interesting.
-- George Jean Nathan


Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm


Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin


Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it.
-- Anon.

Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
-- Anon.

Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups — alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.  --Alex Levine


“To drink without thirst and to make love all the time,
madam, it is only these which distinguish us from the other beasts.”   -- Beaumarchais

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. 
-- William Butler Yeats

When money’s tight and hard to get and your horse is an also-ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt, a pint of plain is your only man. -- Flann O’Brien

In Vino Veritas
In Cervesio Felicitas

Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink.
-- Gore Vidal 

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce

“And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.”
-- Rudyard Kipling

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Anon.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-- Oscar Wilde

He was a wise man who invented beer.    
-- Plato

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway 

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
-- Anon.

Atheism is a non prophet organization.
-- Anon.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”               
-- Anon.

“Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.”
-- Oscar Wilde


...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: “A truck!”                                        -- Emo Phillips

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.
-- Steven Wright

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway (For Whom The Bell Tolls)

“When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.”           -- Anon.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henry Youngman

“Beer.  So much more than just a breakfast drink!”
-- Anon.

Wine is as good as life to a man, if it be drunk moderately: what is life then to a man that is without wine? For it was made to make men glad.       -- Ecclesiasticus

The wages of gin is breath.
-- Anon.

Get turly a couple of pints to see some of his carefully culled (read: “plagiarised”) beery one-liners…