Time's Toilet, Part II By Robert Brayer, @ 1:363/82 ("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70) ....Last time, on Star Trek: The Next Generation -=- (Picard and Data are talking) Picard: This can only mean one thing... Data: What? Picard: Two-Part Episode. -=- (Data is talking to Geordi and Picard) Data: I have always loved my toilet as my own. But I am immortal, and so is my precious crapper. I had wished it to rest in peace after it had served it's time. Now I know it will. -=- Announcer: A dangerous series of implosions haunts the Enterprise! -=- Ro: Yes sir! Scotty: She canna take it anymore, she'll blow sky high! Picard: Scott!? What the HELL are you doing here? Scotty: Cameo. Riker: But in this century, you're dead! Scotty: Uh oh. (Scotty implodes.) -=- Lwaxwanna Longname Troi: My lovely daughter, Captain Picard, I would like to invite you to mediate my divorce. Picard: Divorce!? But you're not married! LLT: I am divorcing YOU, Jean-Luc! Picard: We are most certainly NOT married! LLT: Then why am I here? Riker: How should I know? (When suddenly LLT imploded) -=- Announcer: And Riker, Crusher, and Worf are sent on a desprete mission back in time, to save Data's long lost toilet! -=- (Riker, Crusher, and Worf awake lying on the streets of Downtown NY) Riker: Crusher: Worf: -=- And now, stay tuned, for the *THRILLING* conclusion of "Time's Toilet", and an all-new season of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION! (Woosh) -=- RIB Productions Proudly bring to you "Time's Toilet- Part Two" An ST:TNG Parody of the Season Premiere of ST:TNG! By Robert I. Brayer Note: The following conclusion is a conclusion. The following note is the previous note. -=- SCENE I (Riker gets off, in an alley, and dusts himself off) Riker: Just where the heck are we? Crusher: Judging from the surroundings, 1992. Riker: But the place!? Worf: Crusher: Look around you, what do you see? Riker: Oppression, hatred, violence, racial tension.. Crusher: It's gotta be the USA.. now what else? Riker: Muggings, lousy taxi drivers, and lots and LOTS of raw sewage. All at Once: NEW YORK! NEW YORK!... (All take out tap dancing outfits and hats and throw them on and start a dance routine) Riker: Start spreadin' the news... Crusher: I'm coming today.. Worf: Be a part of it... All: New York! New York! (Suddenly a man with a large pistol enters) Man: Hey! What's all the racket! Shuttup ya stupid #$*)@#*)'s! Riker: Er..sorry (They all put away their costumes) Man: Ain't you supposed to be Sci-Fi guys? Crusher: Er, yeah.. Man: Then why the heckya doing an old dance routine? Worf: New static bleach. Man: Oh, sorry. (The man implodes) Crusher: Something's wrong, there's another implosion! Riker: Oh yeah? Wait till Scotty does a guest shot! Man, Brayer will have him imploding off the walls! -=- SCENE II (Somewhere in the recesses of time) Scotty: Oh no..she canna do a guest shot...noooo!!! TV Guy: I'm sorry Mr. Scott, but you have a contract! Scotty: That's notta my signature! That's that James Doohan guy, he's notta me! I swear it! TV Guy: Nice try! Aha..haha...MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! -=- SCENE III Data: Still no sign of the away team. Picard: Maybe we should order out. Troi: Oh, you cruel vicious man! How can you do that to poor Data again!? Picard: Does that Swahilli place deliver? Data: I cannot take it anymore! (Data bursts into tears) Troi: There, There, Mr. Data, you're rusting your face. (Data turns and looks at Troi) Data: Shut up you tramp! Troi: Oh yeah! Well I prefer subs! Data: Geordi: Would you all just SHUT UP!?!? (All turn in shock towards Geordi) Geordi: That's better. I like a more beefy place... Ro: Hey come on now, we've got to assume responsibility and find these guys! Picard: She's right, we have so many unanswered questions! Data: Like how and why this happened? Picard: No, like the sexual tension between me and Crusher! And there's a few new Ensigns that just got transfered here that Riker hasn't slept with yet! And Mr. Worf.. why we got some new prune juice in just yesterday! Geordi: We'll work on a solution, Cap'n. I promise! -=- SCENE IV Crusher: So now that we're in these antique outfits, what do we do? (We get our first glimpse, Riker is in a business suit with a briefcase, and of course, bright orange pants.) Riker: We have to assume their fashion sense, look at Worf; he found what *HE* liked. (We now see Mr. Worf, decked out in a brand spanking old, beautiful Slayer t-shirt and some bright red bell bottoms) Crusher: Ok, I hope we can blend.. Riker: This is New York. WESLEY could blend! Wes: Hey! I heard that! (Wes implodes) (Wild sustained cheers for a two-part implosion!) Riker: Now, let's try and find a place to live. (They stumble into the streets and find a place with a 'vacancy' sign) Riker: By the way, nice outfit. (Crusher is of course, looking stunning in her "DRIP-O" Custom T-shirt and sweater design..Remember..It's Drip-o..it's drip-o..it makes stains feel their death! Drip-o! Drip-o! It killed a stain named 'Beth') Crusher: Thanks. (A man comes out) Another Man: Yeah, whatdoya want? Riker: A room! AM: A room? That'll be 10 million dollars american, up front for the first and last month. Crusher: Ok. (Pulls it out of her pocket and hands it to the man who stares at her for a second) AM: Heck, have the whole building, here's the keys- bye! (The man runs off and buys a politician, whom he names 'Louise'. Even though it's a male. He takes it on walks on occasion and sometimes..if he's REAL good..let's him vote on issues) Riker: Let's go! (They all take their gear, mainly nothing, and inhabit a room.) Crusher: Let's watch the tube. (They turn it on and sit down) (They see on screen a report on Murphy Brown) Murphy: And I'd just like to say, that at least I can spell 'potato' so, NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH! (She breaks into convulsions and is carried out) Announcer: And here is the Vice-President's response. Quayle: Oh yeah? Well at least I'm not a fictional character! So NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!!!(He breaks into convulsions and is carried out) (George Bush walks out) Bush: That's what HE thinks! Riker: I'm sick of this, let's change the channel. (They do, on it is a commercial) -=- Big Fat Ugly Guy: BUY MY CARS!!! BUY MY CARS!! SURE THEY'RE USED!!! SURE THEY STINK! AND SURE THERE IS ABSOLUTLY NO GUARANTEE THEY EVEN START! BUT- AT LEE SPAZ'S AUSTRALIAN YUGOS- THAT'S THE POINT! Announcer: Yes, at Lee Spaz's Australian Yugos, our entire purpose is to sell you cars that *DON'T* WORK! Why settle for a normal used car dealer that tells you it WILL work when you both know it won't? Just come on down to Lee Spaz's Australian Yugos, where you pay your money for honesty! BFUG: WE'RE BUSTING PRICES! WE'RE *NUKING* PRICES!! (We see a nice used car) (We now see a huge nuclear warhead detonate on top of it) Car: Ouch. Announcer: Come on down and see us at LEE SPAZ'S AUSTRALIAN YUGOS! Down on Stupid street and Lemon corner! Or call us! 555-JERK! -=- Crusher: From all this we can establish that there were a lot of losers in the 20th century, did you know they ACTUALLY watched 'Full House' back then!? Riker: What were they THINKING?! Anyhow, let's go look for the toilet. It should be easy. How many toilets can there be in one city? Worf: -=- SCENE V Crusher: 57 *MILLION* TOILETS!?!?! How can we *EVER* find the right one? Riker: Let's use Worf as a TOILET-HUNTING DOG! Worf: Crusher: But how? Riker: Simple. We feed him a lot and then don't let him go to the bathroom until we find the right one! Won't take long. Crusher: What a *GREAT* Idea! Worf: -=- SCENE VI Geordi: And if we reverse the positronic gravitons with the motor viscosity of my left buttcheek we should be able to contain the field. Data: And what will that accomplish? Geordi: The best salad dressing this side of Kansas! Data: But what of the landing party? Geordi: But what of Thousand Island? Generic Techie: Come on guys! Figure out a way.. Data: Well, if we magnify the thermonuclear fire-breathing mutant albino chipmunk caverat's time index we can bring them back with only a minimum of damage to our Jargon dictionaries. Geordi: Data- that's brilliant! Data: I know. I'm an android! -=- SCENE VII Picard: So what you're saying is, to bring them back from 1992, if that's even where they ARE..we have to cut down the largest tree in the forest with...a HERRING!? Geordi: No no no! That's a different fictional series.. Picard: Oh sorry, we Brits, er French people... (Geordi explains some more) Picard: Oh..so all we have to do is beg Robert to come up with an excuse? Data: Pretty much. Ro: What a great idea! -=- SCENE VIII (On their 25 millionth toilet) Crusher: What a *LOUSY* Idea! Worf: Agreed! Riker: Oh shut up! .. Waitaminute! Crusher: What? Riker: It said, "Property of the NY Yankees"! It must be in Yankee Stadium! Worf: Now he tells me. Can I "go" now? Riker: Very well. Crusher: You do know he'll be in there for days. Riker: We'll be back for him! (They go to..YANKEE STADIUM!) -=- SCENE IX Riker: Ahh..Yankee Stadium..haven't been here since..well ever. Crusher: Can we go to the can now? Riker: Won't a guy and a girl look suspicious going to the can in a guy's bathroom? Crusher: Suspcious? Anything, look suspcious, HERE!? Riker: A fair point! (They enter the bathrooms) -=- SCENE X Picard: Oh please..please Mr. Parody man! PLEASE!!!! Robert: I'm afraid not, you must first find the holy grail before I can grant you any favors. Picard: The HOLY GRAIL!? That was found by Indiana Jones years ago! Robert: Er.. then get me some Pancakes! And then I'll *CONSIDER* it. Picard: Thank you!! Ro: Who is that guy anyway? Geordi: That's Robert I. Brayer, he makes 'Q' look like a teddy bear. (Suddenly Q appears!) Q: Hey! I heard that! Who *IS* this guy? (Robert turns to Q) Robert: Hi Q. Q: Hey, it's Q! (The two embrace in a hug) Robert: Long time no see, Q! Q: The same, Q! Robert: Sorry this is also my beat, ..I write the songs..er parodies..that make the whole world..er net...sing..er laugh..er cry..er vomit..whatever Q: I understand..but you know how it is, the continuum has been cutting back lately on expenditures, do you get expenses? Robert: I have a *GREAT* Dental plan. Q: Must be nice being such a high ranked 'Q' Robert: Yeah, though you never know when they're calling for you, or any of the other Q's, it's like "Call for Q on line three!" And 5000 people answer! Q: Frustrating. I have to consult my 'Q Manual'- By Carl Sagan(of course)! Robert: These guys want me to help them. Should I? Q: No. Robert: OK! (Both vanish!) The Enterprise Crew: AUGH! -=- SCENE XII (Six days later) Riker: Worf are you *DONE* in there yet? Worf: Crusher: We got the right one alright! (Worf walks out with a grin on his face.) Riker: (Walks in and grabs the toilet) Crusher: Now we take it to the cavern that we already found without telling anyone in the parody. Riker: And then we write "Data Wuz Here..6/1/1992" so we know how we did all this. Crusher: By the way, just why are we doing this? Riker: Something to do while the Enterprise figures out how to get us back... -=- SCENE XIII (In the conference room) Geordi: So the problem is around the toilet in space. If we can figure out a way to flush it we can probably bring them back. Picard: But if we get close to it - it will transfer us back in time! Data: Exactly. Which is why we must use the most concentrated phaser blast in the history of mankind. Geordi: Yeah. Let's try it. (All turn towards the monitor) Picard: Fire. (The shot flushes the toilet with precise accuracy!) -=- SCENE XIV Riker: Ok, we're all done..hey wait..we're being FLUSHED!! Crusher: YOW!! Worf: !!!! (All three are sent through the mystery pipes with various bits of sewage until they appear in mid space standing next to the toilet, they are quickly transported to the bridge!) Picard: Riker! Crusher! Worf! You're ok! Other then being dirty and smelly as heck! Troi: They're disgusting! Get em outta here! Worf: Crusher: What a warm welcome! Picard(to Data): How's that new BBQ place in the Andromeda cluster? Data: They deliver, so they can't be that bad.. -=- THE END STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE! NEXT WEEK! (Well when else would it be?!) (When suddenly Picard walks out) Picard: Hey wait a second here! We never figured out why everyone was imploding!? Announcer: Let's ask Robert... (Robert appears!) Picard: Great and mighty writer, why is everyone imploding? Robert: The answer, my friend, is wise, it is simply a cheap cop-out technique, like this! (Picard implodes)