Clean Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bell-Ringer I Quasimodo, the armless hunchback, applied for the job of bell-ringer at Notre Dame cathedral. The head monk was skeptical, and decided to try to discourage Quasimodo, for after all, how can a man with no arms pull on a bell rope to sound the bell every hour? Quasimodo insisted that he could do the job adequately, and was so persistent that the monk agreed to accompany Quasimodo to the tower so that he could demonstrate how he would do the job with no arms. After a long, arduous climb up many flights of stairs, the two men made it to the top of the tower. Quasimodo then proceeded to show the monk how he could ring the bell without pulling on the rope: he backed up as far as the confines of the bell room would allow, took a running start, and slammed his _face_ into the bell with all of his might! CLANGGGGGG! The monk was horrified, and tried to discourage Quasimodo, but he insisted that he needed the work, and, again after a running start hurled himself face-first into the huge bell. CLANNNGGGGGG! The monk at last agreed, reluctantly, to hire the hunchback to ring the bells on a regular basis. Quaismodo had been on the job for several days, performing his gruesome task to perfection, when on one particular occasion after a rainstorm he had the misfortune to slip on the tower's wet floor when running for the bell, and he fell from the tall tower to his death on the sidewalk below. A crowd quickly gathered around the unfortunate hunchback, stunned at what had just happened. One onlooker asked, "Does anyone know who he was...?", to which another replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bell-Ringer II Do you remember Quasimodo, the armless hunchback, who rang the bells with his face at Notre Dame cathedral until his untimely accident? Well, it seems that his brother, who also was an armless hunchback, presented himself to the head monk to ask for Quasimodo's old job, and yes, he, too, rang the bell with his face. After extracting a promise from him to be more careful than his brother had been, the monk hired him, and he performed his duties efficiently as his brother before him had done. Then came the fateful day when he, too, slipped and fell out of the tower, meeting essentially the same fate has his brother Quasimodo had. Once again a crown of horrified onlookers gathered 'round, and again the question was asked, "Does anyone know who this man was...?", to which the reply was, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day there were three women who were walking along the beach. They came upon an old brass lamp lying in the sand. Since they were women and therefore predisposed to cleaning things anyway, they began to stroke the lamp gently when suddenly a smoke cloud shot forth from the lamp and a djinn appeared from the cloud. "Thank you for releasing me from my prison," boomed the djinn. "I will grant each of you a wish for your good deed." The first woman spoke up quickly, declaring, "I wish to be ten times as smart as I am now." The djinn waved his arms and exclaimed, "Your wish is granted!" Humor Digest - June 90 Clean Jokes The next woman thought for a second and said, "Well, I wish to be a hundred times as smart as the first woman." Again the djinn waved his arms and pronounced, "So be it!" Finally the third woman said, "Well, I wish to be a thousand times smarter than the last woman!" The djinn grinned hugely, waved his arms, and turned her into a MAN. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was this little old man from the hills who wandered into the settlement one day to get some supplies. He happened upon this supermarket and proceeded to shop. When he got to the checkout,the clerk was ringing up his items, when the old man said, "Dammit I almost forgot, do you have any, uh, toilet paper?" The clerk said "Of course" The old man said "What is the cheapest kind ya got?" The clerk replied, "Well that would be the generic brand." "What's Generic?!?" said the old man. The clerk answered,"Oh, you know that is the no-name brand over there." So the old man bought some of it and left. A week later he returned and said to the clerk,"Ya know, I got a name for that there no-name toilet paper." "Really?"questioned the clerk. "Yeah, John Wayne Toilet Paper---It's rough and tough and it don't take no shit offa nobody!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy goes into a doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. After a few minutes, he hears a series of screams and moans from the examining rooms, followed by a hastily departing nun. Moments later the doctor appears, with an immensely satisfied grin on his face. Man: "What on earth happened back there?" Doc: "I just told Sister Mary she was pregnant." Man: "Goodness, is she?" Doc: "Of course not." Man: "Well then, that was an awful thing to say!" Doc: "On the contrary, it cured her hiccups." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- When two six foot tall mosquitos alighted in front of a man. He was so horrified, that he was unable to move. One of the mosquitos said, "Should we eat him here or take him back home with us?" The other one said, "Let's eat him here. If we take him back, the big mosquitoes will take him away from us." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A traveler stopped to observe the curious behavior of a farmer who was plowing his field. The single mule hitched to the plow was wearing blinders, and the farmer was yelling, "Giddyap, Pete! Giddyap, Herb! Giddyap, Ol' Bill! Giddyap, Jeb!" After watching the farmer carry on like this for a while, the traveler asked, "Say, mister, how many names does that mule have?" "Just one, his name is Pete." "Then why do you call out Herb & Bill & Pete, & Jeb?" "It's like this," explained the farmer. "If Ol' Pete knew he was doing all this work alone, I couldn't make him do it. But if he thinks he's got three other mules workin' alongside of him, he does the whole job Humor Digest - June 90 Clean Jokes all by himself." "What a marvelous idea!" exclaimed the traveler. And when he got back to his corporate office in New York, he invented the committee. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two retired Jewish millionaires met in Florida and were explaining to each other how they made their money. The first one says, "I built a new factory to manufacture textiles and insured it for 10 million dollars. Unfortunately, it was only open one day when it burned to the ground." The second one says, "My story is similar. I built a factory to manufacture mufflers. Unfortunately, it was only open two days, when it was destroyed by a terrible flood. So the first millionaire says, "How did you start a flood?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said,"I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only to bring back one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "there's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!." "You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year, and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded up, and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space, and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake, and replied,"Oh I guess about 100 yards farther than last year." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three pregnant Indian squaws laying on animal hides about to give birth. The first squaw, who was laying on a buffalo hide, gave birth to a 6 lb. 5 oz. baby boy. The second, who was laying on a deer hide, gave birth to a 5 lb. 5 oz. baby boy. The third, who was laying on a hippopotamus hide, gave birth to twin boys totalling 11 lb. 10 oz. Therefore, we can conclude that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A workman is painting the ceiling of a convent, waaayyy up on a ladder, when he drops his paintbrush. "Son of a bitch!" he yells. At that very moment, Mother Superior happens to walk into the room and hear him. "I will not tolerate obscenity in a House of the Lord! If you must say something, say Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." The workman grunts a response, gets his brush and continues his work. Sure enough, a few minutes later he drops the brush again. Humor Digest - June 90 Clean Jokes "Son of a... I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" Mother Superior looks at him approvingly when all of a sudden the brush levitates off the floor right back into his hand! Mother Superior says, "Son of a bitch!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Harry Sharp finally developed a way to clone human beings. To test it, he made a duplicate of himself, and took the duplicate before a board of peers. However, Harry's system had some bugs. At the review, Harry, asked his duplicate to recite the method of cloning for the board, upon which the duplicate recited the most foul string of obscenities ever heard. Harry was aghast, and struck the duplicate, causing it to fall out of a window, to it's death from the 5th floor room they were in. Harry was arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds! Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Ukrainians went hunting when one accidentally shot the other. The shooter rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they wheeled his friend into the O.R. Ten minutes later the doctor came out peeling off is gloves and shaking his head. Our friend Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?" The doctor said his friend was dead. "Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter. "Well," replied the doctor, "If that ever happens to you again, for goodness sake, don't gut him!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This family just moved into a new town. They had two little hellion boys that just terrorized the teachers at their previous school. The nearest school in their new town was a Catholic school. Well, they weren't Catholic, but they decided to send their two boys there anyway hoping, perhaps, that the Nuns there would be able to straighten these boys out. One day, the younger of the two, after numerous incorrigible acts, so infuriated a nun that she grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, and hauled him down to the head priest. The head priest sat him down across from his desk, and told him "Satan is controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know, that no matter where you are or what you do, that God is always there, always watching you? God is everywhere. He's at your home, here at school, Humor Digest - June 90 Clean Jokes where ever you are, He is there, whether you are naughty, nice, good or bad, he is always there watching you!" He spoke for 15 minutes, hoping to get through to the boy. After he was done with his speech, he asked the boy "Now, where is God?" The boy just shrugged. Again, the priest asked "Where is God?" Again, the boy just shrugged. By now, the priest was getting upset, and pointed at the boy and asked "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy looked around, under his chair, dropped his head down a little bit and shrugged. The priest was furious by now, and yelled at the boy "Go home! Get your mother, and bring her back here with you!" Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had gone home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets home, his older brother is outside playing. He runs over to him, grabs a hold of him and says, "Get in the house, we're in big trouble." He pulls his brother inside the house, "Come on upstairs, quick!" Upstairs they went. He pulls his brother in the bedroom, "Get in here, fast!" He opens the closet "Get in here, NOW!" He closes the closet door and says "We're in real big trouble now!" His brother asks, "What, what is it? What did we do?" "God is missing, and they're blaming us!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a ladies car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large back of Cat Litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, "Lady, it that were my cat, I'd put him outside." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The priest had to be out of town for a few weeks, so a replacement was brought in to hear confessions. During the confessions, several women from the parish told the priest that they had committed adultery. The priest told them that the word "Adultery" was a little strong, and that they should used the word "Slipped" instead. Well, after a few weeks, the regular priest returned, and, not knowing the substitute priests usage of the word "Slip", was surprised to hear that the women thought that slipping was a sin... The priest decided to have a talk with the groundskeeper, telling him that he needed to take better care of the sidewalks, as several of the women were slipping frequently. The groundskeeper (knowing what they had meant), immediately started laughing. The priest looked at him and said "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife slipped three times last week!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, But one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery... He began to think about it, and think about it... Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord: "You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to church every Sunday, Praising you and thanking you for what I have, And I sure would like to win that lottery!" Well a couple of years went by and Humor Digest - June 90 Clean Jokes Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He won't help him win the lottery. He yelled up at the sky,"Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, Well WHY?" Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard the Lord say: " Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, You have to buy a ticket first." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy goes into his doctor's office and he has a frog growing out of his forehead. The doctor looks at him and says "How did this happen?" The frog then says " I don't know, he started out as a wart on my ass." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy who is in the hospital is listening to his doctor. The doctor says "Well we have good news and we have bad news." The guy, being brave, says "OK doc, give me the bad news." The doctor says "We are going to have to amputate both your feet." The man says "My GOD! What's the good news?" The doc replies "The man in the next room wants to buy your bedroom slippers..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a funeral home, a friend comes over and asks, "How did your Mother-in-Law Die?" The man replied, "She fell in a Wishing Well!" The friend looking surprised says, "I didn't know those things worked!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men have been on a deserted island for 12 years: an Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman. One day the Englishman is walking down the beach and spies a bottle. He takes it back to the hut and shows it to his buddies. In the course of handling the bottle, it gets rubbed and.... (well, you know the rest)... A genie appears and offers them three wishes. After a little deliberation they decide that each man will take one wish. The Genie agrees and asks the Englishman what he wants.... "To be back in Blighty, watching cricket and sipping tea!", he replies. There's a WHOOOOOSH, and the Englishman disappears. The genie asks the Welshman the same question. "To be back in Pontypool, playing rugby and singing hymns!" WHOOOSH, the Welshman disappears! "What is your wish?", the genie asks the Irishman. "Well, I wish Cedric and John hadn't rushed off like that, I didn't get to say "Goodbye!" WHOOOOOOOOOSH! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man driving up to a ski lodge in Colorado this winter had the misfortune to get stuck in the snow along the way. Looking forward to his vacation, he walked the remaining 3 miles through the snowstorm to the lodge. When he arrived, he noticed a group of lawyers sitting around the fireplace, who did not make room for him to warm himself. One of them noticed how bad he looked and commented "You look like you been to Hell Humor Digest - June 90 Clean Jokes and back!". While another said "Maybe you can tell us what it's really like there!". The man replied, "It's pretty much the same as here: all the lawyers are closest to the fire". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- John lives in a subdivision that branches off of the main highway. He drives a corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are "STOP" and "FULL SPEED". One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said "Mister, I've been waiting for you all morning..." John replied "Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note. Dear Darling, This is a gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks that were not too badly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Ethnic Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stash, a pollack, lives on a steep and thickly grassed hill with a lake at the bottom. Every week, he would go out and mow the lawn. After countless months of pushing the mower up and down the hill he decided there had to be a better way, so he tied a rope to the mower, stands at the top of the hill and lowers the mower down and pulls it back up. This works fine until the rope breaks and the mower rolls down the hill into the lake. He immediately runs down the hill and jumps into the lake after it. His friend, who has been watching, becomes concerned when, after several minutes, his friend does not come out of the lake. There is a tree nearby with an overhang limb, so he climbs out and looked down into the lake. Sure enough, there is his friend pulling away on the starter rope, so he hollers down "CHOKE IT STASH, CHOKE IT!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems these two black dudes where walking down the street one day when they came upon a D-TANNING SALON. It had a sign on the wall that read, "GRAND OPENING ... D-TANNING SPECIAL ... 99 cents for 15 minutes". Said the first black to his friend, "Dat sounds good; I'd sure like to get rid of some of dis black col'r". With that he dug in his pocket and came up with only 98 cents.The second black then dug in his pocket and come up with a dollar. "Look'a here, bro, I'll give it a try first and if it works, then you can go in" and with that, he goes in. After about 20 minutes, he comes out. He now had a light tan, kinda like a white boy gets in mid summer. Even his hair was brown with streaks of blond. The first black got all excited, saying, "Bro, you sure look good! Now, give me the money so I can go get me a treatment!" To which the other guy said, "STICK YOU NIGGER! GET A JOB!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys contract to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a BIG black guy. After asking what they're doing he reaches around the pole and pulls it on of the ground and lays it down. "There you go," he says as he walks away. Thee two men look at each other and one said. "Those stupid blacks will never get anywhere. We don't need to know how wide it is just how tall" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow!" says the bartender. "That is really something. Where did you get it?" "Africa." says the parrot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Pole who lost $50 on the Football game? $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three Guys on a roof. One's Mexican One's black and one's Polish. The building is burning down and the fire department shows up. Humor Digest - June 90 Ethnic Jokes Fireman: "Hey, Mexican, jump and we will catch you in the net." He jumps and the firemen move the net out of the way and he bounces off the ground. Fireman: "Hey black dude jump and we will catch you in the net." Black Dude: "No way you let the Mexican die." Fireman: "We just don't like mexicans. We will catch you. Jump!" The black guy jumps and bounces off the ground dead. Fireman: "Hey pollack you better jump the fire is spreading." Pollack: "No way you'll move the net. Set it on the ground and then I'll jump!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A high school basketball coach after having been accused of racial discrimination decided to handle it in his own way. He said, "On this team, there are no White players, and there are no Black players. All I see, are Green Players! All right, now lets practice... I want all the Light Green Players over here, and all the Dark Green Players over there!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- After taking a few lessons on flying a helicopter, the Moron took his first solo flight. After reaching an altitude of about 300 feet, he and the helicopter came crashing to the ground. Afterward, when asked what had happened, he said: "The last thing I remember, is that it started to get chilly up there, so I turned off the Overhead Fan!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Gross Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are two guys riding a camel in the dessert. One guy has wicked chapped lips and the other guys lips are fine. When they come to a stop the guy with the chapped lips is puts his hand in the camels ass, pulls out a handfull of shit, and rubs it on his lips. The other guy thinks this is kind of strange, but decides to keep quiet about it. So there after everytime they stop the guy with the chapped lips puts his hand in the camels ass, pulls out a handfull of shit, and rubs it on his lips. Finally the other guy can't stand it any longer and asks, "What's the deal with the camel shit? Is there some kind of magic in it?" The other guy turns and says to him, "No it just keeps me from licking my lips." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was a customer in a bakery and while she was waiting her turn she idly glanced through the door to the back room of the bakery and watched a baker in front of an oven while he was working. The baker took a small piece of dough from a tray, pressed the dough against his belly button and then threw the piece of dough on to a tray in the oven. The man did this continuously for several minutes. The woman was the curious type and when her turn came to be waited on she asked the clerk what the man was doing. The clerk said the man was shaping pieces of dough into cookies. The woman stated that this was not very sanitary. The clerk said, "If you think that is unsanitary, you should see him when he makes the bagels." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy goes in to see the proctologist. The proctologist has him up on the table and says, "Well, there sure is something unusual here. I can't really see. I wish I had a light." The patient grunts and groans and passes a beer can out of his anus. The doctor says, "No, I meant a butt light". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A huge truck driver is sitting at a bar having a drink when this little pipsqueak of a guy walks in and asks who own's the pit bulldog outside. The truck driver hollers "It's MY dog! What's it to you!" The little runt says "Nothing, but I think my dog just killed yours..." The truck driver jumps up and says "WHAT! What kind of dog do you have anyway?" The other guy replies "A toy poodle." "A poodle!" the truck driver yells. "How in the hell can a poodle kill a pit bulldog!?!" "Well," replied the little guy," I think he choked on it..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A vietnam vet with a limp is out walking one day. Coming toward him from the opposite direction he see's another man walking and dragging his foot. As they meet the vet say's "Nam 1969." The other man replies, "Dogshit 4th and main!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Other Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blind guy was standing at a street corner with his seeing eye dog when the dog hiked his leg and proceeded to take a leak on the blind guys pants leg. The blind guy then reaches in his pants and gets a doggy biscuit and hands it down to the dog. A woman passing by saw this incidence and walked up to the man and said' "NO! you shouldn't give your dog a reward! He just pissed on your pants." The blind guy says, "I'm not trying to reward him, I'm trying to find his face so I can kick him in the ass!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this guy who was hunting close to a barn. Suddenly, a wild duck flies out from it's hiding place... the hunter aims and shoots... BINGO! A perfect hit, with the exception that the duck ended up INSIDE the barn. He looks around checking for guard-dogs and since he doesn't see any, he jumps the fence and goes towards a cabin in the barn to pick up his prize. As he bends to pick up his duck, a redneck steps out of the cabin and yells at him: "Hey! Leave that duck alone! What the hell are you doing inside my property?" The hunter explains to him that the duck is his since he shot it down. They end up having a discussion about who will end up with the duck. Then the redneck says to the other guy: "Ok, let's settle this the local way..." The hunter asks how does that work, and the redneck replies: "We kick each other in the groin, as hard as we can, until one of us gives up. The one who can ends up with the duck, ok?" The hunter agrees, and asks who will go first. The redneck claims to be first since they are in the barn. After grinding his teeth, the hunter says ok. The redneck takes a swing and kicks the hunter... the hunter is in the floor now, screaming his head out and rolling in the grass like he's being eaten alive by fireants. After ten minutes of REAL intense pain, the hunter, panting, gets on his feet and says: "My turn now!" The redneck replies "I give up... you can keep the duck!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear the one about the atheist that went to the whore house? He went in and paid his money, picked out a girl and went upstairs. When they got to the room she asked if he wanted the light on or off. He said off. She laid down on the bed and asked "what religion are you?" to which he replied atheist. About that time he dropped his pants and she was staring at that BIG ol thing hanging down between his knees. She jumped up, and said "You'll have to pick someone else, I can't handle that!" So, they went back down stairs, he picked another girl, and back up they went. She asked do you want the light on or off? He said on. She asked what religion are you? He replied atheist. And again, she couldn't handle what she saw. So, back downstairs they went, he picked out another and they went back up. However, by now he had figured out what he was doing wrong. She asked, do you want the light on or off? He replied OFF! She asked what's your religion? He replied atheist. Then climbed in bed with her. She said, Oh , your one of those people that don't believe in...JESUS CHRIST! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was the sales man who was selling condoms door to door. The first house he stopped at, a lady answered the door. The sales man said, "Hi, I'm selling condoms". About this time the lady had pulled out a cigarette and began smoking it. The sales man went on, "Would you like to buy one?" The sales man was stunned when the lady pulled out another cigarette and started to smoke the two at the same time! Then, The lady asked "What are condoms?" The sales man replied (Taking advantage of the lady and her cigarettes) "Well, You put them over your cigarettes and smoke them!" The lady took one and placed it over the cigarette and smoked it! "Pretty good" she said and bought 5 more. The next day, the lady had ran out of condoms so she ran down to the nearest convenience store and the man at the counter, "Do you have any condoms?" The man replied, "What size?" To which the lady replied,"Do you have any that fit camels?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, a young couple was going to get married. Now in this country, young people knew very little about sex, and just before the wedding ceremony, another couple was chosen to explain the 'facts' to them. Now the couple that was chosen were notorious practical jokers, and they planned a DOOZY for the bride and groom. The husband met the groom in the room that was prepared, and said to him, "You gotta be careful, 'cause some girls have TEETH down there, and if you're not careful, she'll bite off your thing! So test her with your knee first." The groom, now slightly nervous agreed that he would. Meanwhile in another room the wife was talking to the bride about a similar subject... "See, those things come in different sizes. You have to watch out for the big ones; sometimes they are so big that a girl wouldn't survive the experience, so when he comes at you, put your hand in front of you and see what size it is first. Men are so full of lust at this moment that Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes they will not listen to you, so use your fingernails to fight him off." The ceremony was beautiful, and soon came the honeymoon. The groom turned off the lights, and they both got undressed and into bed. Two minutes later screams issued forth from the honeymoon suite. And they slept separately ever after. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This prostitute was in bed after finishing with a john and she noticed he left his condom on the bed. Feeling tired, she threw the condom out of the window next to the bed instead of getting up and disposing of it in the toilet. She fell asleep and several hours later, she woke up and glanced out the window. She noticed a little boy had picked the condom and was playing with it. She didn't want him to have it so she said "Hey kid, I'll pay you 10 dollars for that twinkie." The boy readily agreed, and ran home with his money. Upon arriving home, he yell, "Mommy, Mommy! This girl paid me 10 dollars for a twinkie and I had already licked the cream out of the middle!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A nun and a priest were traveling through the North African desert to establish an outpost of civilized religion among the heathens. After some five days of travel without passing water they began to dehydrate. Even the camel they were riding began to falter. Finally the camel died and they ran out of water and they were faced with death. They talked about their end in a far off lonely place. They had no way of getting back to civilization without the camel. As they began to talk of impending death the priest said, "Sister, I have never in my life seen the naked body of a woman. Would you let me see yours'?" The nun replied "Yes." and thereupon she stripped and the priest looked at her body with curiosity. The nun said, "Father, I too have been curious about the human body and I have never seen the nude body of the opposite sex. May I see yours'?" The priest said "If that is your last wish I will gladly accede." He stripped and the nun looked at his body and stared at his tool. The priest noticed her starring at it and took it in his hand and said "This is the part of a man that gives life." The nun replied "Then why the hell don't you use it on the camel?!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple get married and, on the wedding night, the husband says, "Darling,all that I have is yours. I have only one request: the top drawer of my dresser is private to me and I ask you never to open it." Well, they're married for twenty-five years and, although she was tempted many times to look in the drawer, she always resisted. One day he has a heart attack. Late at night she comes home from visiting him at the hospital. She's so lonely and depressed at the thought that she might lose him, she finally looks into the drawer. When the husband recovers and returns home, she confesses that in a moment of weakness, she looked in the drawer. The husband says, "Well, I can understand why you did it and I suppose you want to ask me something, so go ahead." "Well", she says, "All I saw in the drawer were three golf balls and $500.00 in cash. Why didn't you want me to see it?" The husband replies, "During our marriage, whenever I was unfaithful to you I put a golf ball in the drawer." Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes "During twenty-five years of marriage, you were always good to me. If you were only unfaithful to me three times, I guess I can forgive you for that. What is the $500.00 for?" "Well, each time I got a dozen balls in the drawer, I sold them for 25 cents each." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seems there was this fellow who frequented whore houses, and had a very unusual way of gratification. One day, he went into the local house, and asked the Madam, for her most accommodating girl.She pondered for a moment, and Called for Suzie. They went up into the room, where the man had Suzie strip and lay on the bed. He then got on the bed, squatted over her, and shit on her chest, paid his money and left. He thereafter began to visit every week becoming a regular. On each visit, the same thing happened. One day, he came to call on Suzie, horny as a heathen, but also constipated as a crippled coon. After he squatted over Suzie all he could manage was a high, shrill fart. Suzie began to cry uncontrollably. Looking up at the man, with tear filled eyes said, "You don't love me anymore..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two nuns are riding their bicycles toward the convent when one nun says to the other nun "Gee, I've never come this way before". The other nun replies "I know, I think it's the cobblestones". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight. When an attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like cocktails, the rabbi said,"Yes, I'd like a Manhattan, please." "No thank you," the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate. "As a priest, I can't drink or fornicate." "Wait a second,"the rabbi said, standing and waiving at the flight attendant, "I didn't know I had a choice." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area. One day the mother superior called in the teenagers who were about to leave. "You're going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner, take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you. Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out." "Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us money?" "Yes child. Why do you ask?" "Because the priests only give us candy." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy returns home from his regular club meeting carrying a trophy. His wife asks him how he earned it. He says, "I won it in a longest penis contest." She says, "My, how awful, to show your penis in front of all those men." He says, "It wasn't that bad. I only had to show enough to win." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Superman was very horny and went out on the town to find himself a lady. As he flew around he spotted Batman and said "Batman, let's go out on the town and find ourselves some women, I'm really horny!" Batman said he was too busy and couldn't join him. Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes Superman flew on and met up with Spiderman and extended the same invitation. Spiderman declined also. Superman flew on and came upon this desert island and saw Wonder Woman laying spread eagle and buck ass naked on the island. Elated at such easy prey, Superman flew in on her, zinged her 3 or 4 times and flew off. Wonder Woman said "What the hell was that?" The Invisible man replied "I don't have any idea, but my ass is killing me!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- When the wife asks her husband to repair the dishwasher, he replies smartly, "Who do you think I am, Mr. Maytag?" She says, "Well, alright then, fix the car instead." He comebacks back with: "Who do you think I am, Mr. GoodWrench? I think I'll just go play golf instead." So he carts off to the golf course. Around the 5th hole, he begins to feel guilty, so he quits his game, and returns home. He goes into the house, and tells his wife that he is ready to repair the dishwasher and car. She replies, "They have already been fixed." He inquires as to who made these repairs. She replies, "The next door neighbor." He asks, "Well, what did you pay him." "Nothing, he gave me two choices. Either bake him something, or come over to his bedroom." "Well, what did you bake him?" She curtly replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A hunter asks a farmer if it is ok to hunt on his land. The farmer says it's no problem. While hunting the hunter sees something move and he shoots. When he inspects it, he finds he shot a scrawny cow. So he goes back to the farmer and confesses. "Oh no! not a scrawny little heffer?", cries the farmer. "Yea", says the hunter "but why are you so upset about that scrawny thing?" "That heffer's got a pussy just like a woman", explained the farmer. "Hey! No problem!", says the hunter "I'll just introduce you to my wife. She's got a pussy just like a COW!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this women who was having problems with her sex life, she was just not getting enough sex from her guy ( I wish she was my girl) so she went to see a sex therapist. After explaining her problem the doctor gave her a pill to slip in her boyfriends drink next time they had dinner and he assured her she would be in for a great time. The next day the doctor called her up and asked how she went, and the girl said she everything was perfect except for one thing. "Well what was that?" the doctor asked. "Well I slipped the tablet into his drink at dinner and then he went wild, he grabbed me and kissed me and touched me like never before, then he pushed everything off the table and we made wild passionate steamy love right there on the dinner table, it was the best ever" The doctor then asked "Then what was your problem? Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes "I don't think we'll be welcome at McDonalds anymore" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob had just finished washing his hands when he started to shave with a straight razor. Unfortunately he left a little bit of soap on his hands, and when he was shaving his neck, the razor slipped out of his hand and cut off his dick. Bob then proceeded to say, "Well I'll be a son of a bitch". And his dick looked up at him and said, "You sure are a son of a bitch, for all these years we have been fist fighting, then all of the sudden you pulled a knife on me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were taken by an old priest in to a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, and one bell ding a linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest. Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding a ling, ding a ling. "Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too." Finally, alone with the naked lovely girl, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and the bell stayed silent. "Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers." DING-A-LING. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl as she was reciting her confession: it was all too much for him. He told her to come with him to his room. There, he place his arm around her. "Did the young man do this to you?" he asked. "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied. "Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her. "Did he do this?" "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said. "Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and fingered her bush. "Yes, Father, and worse." By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked,"Did he manage to do this?" "Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl. When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked,"He did this too, and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?" "Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me gonorrhea." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple in their seventies went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you? The man answered, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse"? The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There was nothing wrong with the way you had intercourse", and he charged them a $32.00 fee. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out"? The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my place. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $78.00. We do it here for $32.00 and get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the Doctor's office". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big money. Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost. Joe planned and planned, and came up with what he thought was the perfect way to win back his money. The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women. He placed them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second was facing him, the third with her back to him, the fourth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him. "Guess that one!" he exclaimed, triumphantly. "Ah, that's easy--the William Tell Overture," responded Tom. "How did you guess?" asked Joe. "Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A clerk in a grocery store was confronted by a man who demanded to buy 1/2 a head of lettuce. The clerk explained that the man could not buy just 1/2, and the man proceeded to get obnoxious and head for the produce aisle with a knife to get his 1/2 head of lettuce. The clerk got the manager and explained to him that "Some asshole wants to buy 1/2 head of lettuce, and I told that dumb shit that he couldn't". As he was talking to the manager, the man came up behind him and overheard the remark about the "asshole, dumb shit".... the clerk, realizing too late that the man was behind him, quickly added "And this nice gentleman has graciously offered to buy the other 1/2...." The man purchased his 1/2 head of lettuce, and was off. The manager, speaking to the clerk, told him, "I like your style, that was some quick thinking back there! I'd like to offer you a promotion, I'll make you the new manager of our store up in Winnipeg!" "Winnipeg?!" The clerk replied, "There's nothing in Winnipeg but whores and hockey players!" "Waitaminute!" The Manager yelled, "My WIFE is from Winnipeg!" "Oh yea? And what position does she play, sir?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young gold-digger had her eye set on a wealthy 80-year-old. She begged him for marriage, but he demurred, "My sweet, you are young and attractive, while I am old and worn out. I'm sorry, but I fear I could never satisfy you. "But it's YOU I want," she persisted. "Look, I've heard about a technique that doctors use to restore a man's virility. It's called penile prosthetics. You replace your, umm, very experienced but impotent penis with something more capable. Please? Please will you get one? It would make me SO happy! And then we could marry and live happily together for the rest of our lives. I only want this for you!" "Well, perhaps we should investigate this," replied the codger. So off to the doctor's office they went. She had heard right. "There are indeed ways to restore a man's Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes sexual function through prosthetics," the doctor began. "We have a variety of options here. First, we can give you a penis of THIS size [holds up an average-sized dildo; the lady looks interested], or we can provide something a bit more formidable, if you don't mind the ego boost sir," and the doctor, smiling, holds up a tool about 8X2 inches; the girl perks up a bit. "Or... if the lady is truly adventurous, there is no reason we can't replace your current equipment with something decidedly effective." And of course he shows off a positively huge flesh-colored shillelagh. The girl claps her hands and giggles and exclaims, "Yes! YES! That's the one we want!" The doctor waves her calm again, and leads into his next pitch. "These are all very nice of course, and if you decide you want one of them, no problem. But I'd like to introduce you to a brand-new technique called ... Pachydermial olfactorisis, or baby elephant trunk transplants. It's new, but has had extremely, shall we say, satisfying results. Basically we replace the man's penis with the trunk of a baby elephant. Not a poached elephant, of course! What do you think?" The couple thought it over, though the gutsy youngster had her mind made up within a second, and decided to try it. The procedure was indeed VERY rewarding... The old man, now convinced that he could keep the girl happy, agreed to the marriage. Things went fine, and finally the big day arrived. The families gathered at the prospective groom's mansion for a pre-nuptial celebration. Dinner followed introductions and cocktails, and soon all were seated, and served. The dinner went fine, until the mother of the bride, seated slightly opposite the groom, stopped speaking in mid-sentence. She had just seen a gray object poke up from the groom's lap, feel around a bit, grab a baked potato, and disappear beneath the table! After digesting this odd scene, she asked the groom, "I'm not sure what I just saw there. Could you, perhaps, repeat it?" The groom responded, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think there's room in my ass for another potato!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE SOOTH SAYER Little Johnny came home from a school carnival scared out of his wits. When asked the problem, Johnny told his parents that his palm had been read at the carnival and he was told that his mother would die a week from Wednesday, and that he would die the following Wednesday and that his father would die the third Wednesday. His parents calmed little Johnny down and told him that all this was humbug and not to worry. Alas and to everyone's surprise little Johnny's mother did die Wednesday from a sudden stroke and the following Wednesday little Johnny was hit and killed by a drunk. Of course little Johnny's father was shook by all this and it was the third Wednesday before he came to his senses. When he realized that it was Wednesday he was a bit relieved and decided to fix breakfast and read the paper. He went to the front door for the paper, opened the door and there on the steps was the milkman - dead. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The staff at our local zoo has been quite upset. The female ape had quit eating and drinking and just sat moping in her cage. The zoo staff Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes had done everything known to vet science but the Ape was still depressed and seemingly doomed to die. Then one day, the staff heard the female Ape grunting and beating her chest. On checking out the scene they found that she had eaten all of her food and drank water and was standing at the bars staring wistfully at a big male black who was sitting on a bench a short distance away. After contemplating the Ape's behavior the staff came to the conclusion that the ape was in love with the black and ran out to enlist his services. "Sir, it would be worth $500.00 for you to make love to our Ape. You can see that she's quite taken with you", said the zoo keeper. Well, John Brown kind of rolled his eyes and told the staff that he was willing but there would be three conditions. "First" said John, "If that Ape comes down with any disease, it ain't my fault." "Second, if that Ape gets pregnant, I ain't responsible." The zoo staff assured John that the first two conditions would be met and then asked about the third condition. "Well the third condition concerns that $500.00. The only way I will do it is if I can pay it out on time -- Say $50.00 a month!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Aggie women, late for the Superbowl game in New Orleans were driving down I-10 at a high rate of speed. They unknowingly passed a state trooper who was parked by the side of the road relieving himself. The trooper jumps in his car, catches up with the law-breakers, and pulls them over. He walks up and taps on the window (not realizing he forgot to zip up his pants). The Aggie girl driving the car, looked at the other and said, "Oh no! Not another breath-a-lyzer test!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day this guy was complaining about an ache in his arm, when a friend suggested that he go see the new doctor in town. He said that this new doctor had every new piece of electronic equipment that was available and could tell you exactly what was wrong with you, right away. The guy didn't believe this, but after awhile his arm got a lot worse and he decided to give this new doctor a try. So, he went to the doctor's office and was surprised to see that there was no examining rooms or labs, just a receptionist, a small office that the doctor was in and a huge room filled with computers and electronic devices. The doctor told the guy that he could find out exactly what was wrong with him, by simply placing a urine sample in his analyzer and letting the computer evaluate it. The guy was skeptical, but gave the doctor a sample. The doctor placed it into the analyzer and in less than a minute he looked at the results, said that the guy had tendonitis, wrote him out a prescription and told him to bring in another urine sample in 2 weeks. When he went out, the receptionist gave him a bill for $100. He asked her why it was so much when all he did was test a urine sample and she said it was because of the cost of all the equipment. He paid it, but decided that the doctor was pulling a scam. After all, anyone would figure that he had tendonitis when his arm was hurting. He was sure the doctor was getting rich by preying on the ignorant and naive. After 2 weeks, his arm was feeling a lot better, but he was still sure that the doctor was a fake and decided to expose him. He put some of his wife's urine in the jar and then some of his daughter's urine and then stirred it up with the dipstick from his Volvo. Finally, he jacked off in Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes it and took it to the doctor, convinced that it would show him to be a fake. The doctor put the specimen into his analyzer and then said that the man was in very bad shape. "What's wrong with me, Doctor?", the man asked, feeling sure that the doctor was about to trip up. "Well," the doctor replied, "Your wife's got the clap. You're daughter's pregnant. You're Volvo needs its engine rebuilt and if you don't stop jacking off, your arm will never get better!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar, and he sees this surfer-type 'dude' with a tiny head. He can't stop sneaking a glance at this guys' head, so the surfer finally grabs him by the neck and asks if he wants to hear about how his head got so small. The first guy protests, but the surfer tells him anyway: "I was walking along the beach when I saw this mermaid on the beach. She tells me she'll do anything I want if I put her back in the water. So, I do, and she asks me what I want. I say I want to fuck her, but she says she has fins, so she can;t oblige. So then I ask for a little head..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy is contemplating marriage and he wants to set it straight with his bride to be. He says, "I want you to know that I'm an avid Golfer, and that Golf will always be my number one LOVE! For instance, if I should ever have to choose between visiting you on your death bed and playing a round of golf, I'll be found out on the golf course!" She says, "Well, I want you to know that I've been a hooker all my life!" And he says, "Maybe your not holding the club right!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A old woman calls the Police department and says, "I have a Sex Maniac in my apartment. Pick him up in the morning!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fine ladies were sitting at the bar when a guy walks in. Seeing these lovely creatures, he makes his way to an open seat next to them at the bar. While drinking his beer, he watches these beauties. Soon, one of the women gets up to go to the bathroom. The guy turns around to watch a fantastic pair of "walking away jeans." The girl that is still at the bar moves over and sits next to the guy, and talks to him as he watches her friend. "You'd like to go out with her, wouldn't you?" she asked. "You bet", answered the guy. "You'd like to suck on her tits, too, huh?" "You bet!", answered the guy, starting to get excited that he may be getting fixed up with the girl. "You'd like to smell her pussy too, right?", asked the girl. "Well, yea", said the guy. At this the girl leaned over to him and exhales in his face. "There you go," she says. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman is waiting at a street corner for a bus. She looks down the street and sees two derelict faggots lying along the curb. The first faggot pulls out a syringe, sticks the needle in his arm, and then hands off the syringe to the other faggot. Before he can shoot up, the woman hurries over to the faggots, obviously concerned. Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes "Aren't you aware that you can get AIDS when you share needles?" she exclaims. "Ah, we thought of that", said the first faggot. "We're wearing condoms." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- These three guys are on a safari in the deepest, darkest part of the jungle. Suddenly, they are surrounded by natives. The natives kidnap them and take them to their village, where they tie them up. The leader of the tribe, who just happens to speak english, tells them they have a choice between death, and Unga Bunga. The first guy says, "I don't want to die." So the chief yells "Unga Bunga!" and 20 natives tie him face down between four stakes, rip his clothes off, and butt-fuck him. The second guy, after seeing this, decides it is better than death, so he endures the same treatment. The third guy feels Unga Bunga to be a fate worse than death, so he takes death. The chief turns to the tribe and yells "Death! By Unga Bunga!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was an old woman and an old man sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch. All is quite for a few minutes, then out of the blue, the old woman reaches over and smacks the old man. Looking very confused, the old man asks, "What was that for?". The old woman turns to him and says "For having a small penis." The old man mumbles a grunt and turns away. A few minutes later, the old man reaches over and smacks the old woman. She looks at him and says "What was that for?" Content with his actions, the old man responds "For knowing the difference!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman is out shopping for a mirror, she finds the one she wants and asks the clerk "how much is it?" "$100.00",relies the clerk. "My god, why so much?" exclaims the woman. "Because it's magic, anything you ask for in rhyme you will get." "Great I'll take it!" She takes it home and tries it out. "Mirror mirror on the door, make by bust a 44." Wiz bang she instantly has the huge chest she asked for. Her husband comes home see's her chest and asks how she did it. After she tells him he runs upstairs, looks in the mirror and says, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis hit the floor!" And his legs fall off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the problem was. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could examine her mouth. Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case of Zacklies I've ever seen!" "Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?" "Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!" Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but she wasn't having any part of him, especially the part he had in mind. After a while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?" Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you under a cabbage leaf!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three women work for a reputable advertising agency on Madison Avenue. All of them started on the exact same day in the mail room, and they've all worked exactly the same amount of time, with the same amount of work. After a few years they all get promoted to a position that is quite high in the echelon of this particular agency. They all get their own offices, and a substantial pay raise. What's more, they get their own name plate on their door! On the day of the move, one of the women is shocked to see that the other womens' offices have nameplates on their doors', but on her office there is no nameplate. Furiously, she goes to the company president and asks him why she hasn't gotten a nameplate yet. "Well, Audrie, this agency is run by myself, as you know." With this he unzips his fly and pulls out his penis. He points at it and says, "And this is Quality. And in this business, Quality goes in before the name goes on." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This couple went to the store and bought 2 boxes of rubbers, then they rented a motel room for a week. After the 3rd day the manager knocks on the door, Manager: "Sorry to bother you folks but its been three days since you checked in and you haven't been to breakfast, lunch, or dinner, how have you been surviving?" Man: "We eat from the Fruits of Love." Manager: "Well would you please quit tossing your peelings out the window they're choking my ducks!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three nuns walked into the confessional. The first one says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. There was a naked man in the parking lot, and I looked at him." The priest said, "Say three Hail Marys and wash your face with holy water." The second nun said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. There was Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes a naked man in the parking lot, and I touched him." The priest said, "Say three Hail Marys and wash your hands with holy water." As the two nuns were washing with the holy water, the third walks in and says, "Take it easy with that stuff girls; I've got to gargle!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A kids goes to the doctor with a dripping cock, and the doctor tells the kid that it's V.D. The kid exclaims "What?!? That's impossible! It has to be... uh... uh... a cold... uh... or something!" "Well, " the doctor replies, "until it sneezes, we'll have to treat it like V.D." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a horny lady, who was desperate for a young man. She was at the supermarket, checking out, when the young man bagging her groceries offered to carry them out to her car for her. When they get outside, she whispers in the boy's ear, "I have an itchy pussy." The boy says, "Huh? What'd you say?" Again, she whispers to him, "I have an itchy pussy!" The boy thinks for a few seconds, and finally says, "Well, you'll have to point it out to me, all these foreign cars look alike." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys are sitting in a bar, when the one looks in his glass, and notices the ice cube. He nudges the guy next to him and say, "Hey, look at this! Have you ever seen anything like this? An ice cube, with a hole in it!" The other guy says, "Are you kidding? I've been married for years!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy goes into a whore-house, with only 5 dollars. He's really horny, and he needs laid badly, but the madam won't let him have any of the girls for only 5 bucks. He pleads with her, and finally she tells him that he can go into room number 2, for the five-dollar special. He goes in the room, and all that's there is a rabbit. Well, he's horny enough, and he figures: what the hell? Who'll know. So he goes to fucking the rabbit. As it turned out, he actually enjoyed it! As he's leaving, another guy is leaving, also. With unbelievable excitement, the guy can't wait to tell somebody else his experience with a rabbit... "Wow! I just had the most unbelievable experience, for only 5 bucks!" The other guys cuts him off, and says, "That's nothing! I just had the most incredible experience for 20 bucks: I was on the other side of a one-way mirror, watching some guy try to fuck a rabbit!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was riding on the bus last week and this lady comes up to me and says: "I'll give you a good lay for only two dollars." Hey, I'm no fool. I took her home and screwed her to death. Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes Anyway, a couple of days later my crotch was itching like the dickens. I go to the doctor and he tells me I have the crabs. Yesterday, I'm riding the bus and I see this cheap slut. "Yo, you know you gave me the crabs?!" The bitch looks at me and says "What'd expect for two bucks, lobsters?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two homos were sitting in a hot tub, pushing a floating turd back and forth. A third homo walked by and asked what they were doing. One of the homos says, "We're teaching the baby to swim." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well the first guy over to her and starts making love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?" Well the guy freaks and runs away. So the second guy goes over to her and starts "doing his thing" when she says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs away. The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a rubber and goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the child? he ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws in the ocean. He turns to the girl and says "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's the Prostitute in a bar, and she's sitting on a stool and this Koala bear walks in and asks her if she'll go back with him to this hotel to have a good time. She agrees, and they go find this sleazy hotel and end up in bed (and on the floor and in the closet, etc.). Anyway, the next morning the Koala gets up grabs his clothes and goes to head out the door. The prostitute stops him and says,"Hey wait, where's my money? You pay ME to have sex with YOU! Don't you know what a prostitute is?" The bear answers no, and she proceeds to tell him to look it up in a dictionary. Well, there just happens to be this dictionary there, and he looks it up and it says: "A person who exchanges sexual favors for money." The bear says, "So what? Don't you know what a koala is? Look it up if you don't" And the bear walks out. The prostitute picks up the dictionary and reads the definition for koala--"Eats bush and leaves." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A very drunk guy looked around the bar and spying the white keys on the piano said," From the grin on that fat broad's face, I'd say someone spiked her douche." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual Jokes He replied "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said "Every room in this place is for sex." I said "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake all night." The clerk replied "Me too." I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "But you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V. He called me a Show off. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married" The judge said "Me too". Then I told him that after we were married Sex left me." He replied "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again and I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley's at 4 am for." I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys were talking and one said "Hey, Frank, how's pilot school coming?" Frank: "Terrible...I had to quit when I found out the instructor was gay" Joe: "What difference does that make? Live and let live, I always say" Frank: "You don't understand...he took me up to 5000 feet and said "It's your buns or jump"" Joe: "Holy Cow! Did you jump?" Frank: "A little... at first" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Clean One-Liners -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: A bum, the tooth fairy, and an honest lawyer were walking down the street together when they simultaneously spotted a $1000 bill. Who gets it? A: Well, the bum, of course! The other two don't exist! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's 6 inches long that every woman loves? A: Paper money! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Lean beef. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six. Two to start screwing and four to mill around chanting that it was lit the moment they started screwing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia? A: Karen Carpenter. Q: What were Karen Carpenter's last words? A: "Gag me with a spoon." Q: Why did Karen Carpenter's family have trouble selling her house? A: It didn't have a kitchen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Where can a midget spend the night without paying? A: A Stayfree Minipad. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does the U of O use artificial turf in Autzen stadium? A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen? A: They sell more tickets. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Ethnic One-Liners -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did god make women so pretty? A: So men would like them. Q: Why did he make them so stupid? A: So they would like men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is long and hard on a black man? A: Third Grade! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers? A: Professional courtesy! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do pro ball players always wear hats? A: So they know which end to wipe! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother? A: A black dress! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is the Catholic Church hiring hundreds of blacks? A: To teach the congregation the rhythm method! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot? A: Because you can't fit all that shit into a tennis shoe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are the two most common lies in Poland? A1: The check's in your mouth. A2: I promise I won't come in the mail. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't women have brains? A: Because they don't have a dick to keep one in! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a quadriplegic waterskiing? A: Skip! Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your doorstep? A: Matt! Q: What do you call a quadriplegic hanging on your wall? A: Art! Humor Digest - June 90 Ethnic One-Liners Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a mail? A: Bill! Q: What do you call a quadriplegic swimming in a lake? A: Bob! Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a pile of leaves? A: Russell! Q: What do you call two quadriplegics hanging on your wall? A: Curt -n- Rod Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in bed? A: Dick Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the mailbox? A: Bill. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic who gets caught in a meat grinder? A: Chuck. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a hole in the road? A: Phil Q: And what do you call the guy who put him there? A: Doug Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying on a barbers floor? A: Harry Q: What do you call the same guy doing pushups? A: LUCKY! Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a hot-tub? A: Stu Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a meat counter? A: Buck Humor Digest - June 90 Ethnic One-Liners Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a mailbox? A: Mel Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a box with his arms and legs? A: Kit Q: What do you call a woman quadriplegic on the bottom of the ocean? A: Sandy. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic being run through a sawmill? A: Chip Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on a stage? A: Mike! Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your bar-b-que? A: Frank. Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic on your bar-b-que? A: Patty. Q: What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? A: Hop in. Q: What do you say to a hitch-hiker with no legs? A: Can I give you a lift? Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs up against a barn? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs? A: A nightcrawler Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in Alcatraz? A: Rocky Q: What do you call a quadriplegic under a car? Humor Digest - June 90 Ethnic One-Liners A: Jack Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the Christmas choir? A: Carol Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the flowerbed? A: Rose, Iris, Lily, Daisy, Petunia, or Violet Q: What do you call a quadriplegic playing Volleyball? A: Spike Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the bathroom? A: John Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on the edge of a mountain? A: Cliff Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic at 12am on Jan. 1st? A: Eve Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the summer? A: June Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic at sunrise? A: Dawn Q: What do you call a quadriplegic at sunrise? A: Don Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic who likes yellowish semi-precious stones? A: Amber Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic with really big ears? A: Bunny Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic with lots of freckles? A: Dotty Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in a pan of boiling water? Humor Digest - June 90 Ethnic One-Liners A: Blanche Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a pasture? A: Horace Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the river near the bank? A: Doc Q: What do you call a quadriplegic up a chimney? A: Smokey Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in Harlem? A: Blacky Q: What do you call a quadriplegic with lots of money? A: Rich Q: What do you call a quadriplegic who is just average? A: Norm Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in a truck? A: Lori Q: What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs who's trying to stand up? A: Consuelo Q: What do you call a quadriplegic and no ears? A: You don't...with no ears, how could he hear you? Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter since he can't come anyway! Q: How is a dog with no legs like a cigarette? A: You take him for a drag! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the solution to the extermination of wetbacks? A: Tell the blacks they taste like chicken. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you know that ALL children are born with Penises? A: Yeah.....But it falls off the stupid ones! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Gross One-Liners -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables? A: Getting them out of the wheelchair. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the worst part about fucking a cow? A: You have to climb off to kiss it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is grosser than gross? A: When you sit on your Grandfathers lap and he pops a boner. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are a woman's and so close together? A: In case your aim is off... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Other One-Liners -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why aren't bird dogs allowed in the White House? A: Because they keep chasing the Quayle and pissing on the Bushes! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why has Tammy Fae stopped shaving her legs? A: Because she figures that's the way Jim will like them when he gets out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's disease? A1: You can hide your own easter eggs! A2: You're always meeting new people! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: A Guy that knocks on your door Saturday morning and tells you to Fuck Off! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you know that Hitler commit suicide? A: He got the gas bill! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual One-Liners -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bubble bath? A: The woman in church has a soul full of hope and the woman in the bubble bath has a hole full of soap. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the fag who joined the NFL? A: Started off a tight end, but ended up a wide receiver! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do men buy women nighties with fur around the bottom? A: To keep their neck warm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of a Macho Man? A: A man who shaves his balls with a weedeater. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife? A1: A prostitute says, "Are you done, yet?" A2: A mistress says, "Are you done, already?" A3: A wife says, "I think the ceiling needs to be painted." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between your sister and a Cadillac? A: Not everyone has been in a Cadillac. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the first warning sign of AIDS? A: A pounding sensation in your ass. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the height of frustration for a man? A: To walk into a brick wall with a hardon... and bruise his nose. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you have when you have two fuzzy green balls in your hand? A: Kermit The Frog's Undivided Attention. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's in Miss Piggy's douche? A: Hogwash! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the 7 dwarfs say when the prince awoke Snow White from her deep sleep? A: "Guess its back to jerking off..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does pussy smell like fish? A: The same reason that cum looks like tartar sauce. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Sexual One-Liners Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they can. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a 6.9? A: A 69er interrupted by a period! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ? A: A quarter-pounder with cheese. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the real definition of Miracle Whip? A: Successful masturbation by a 90-year-old man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do Marion Barry and Mrs. Dan Quayle have in common? A: They both blow a little dope! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is sex like oxygen? A: Because you don't care about either of them until you don't get any! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call oral sex between two yuppies? A: SixtySomething -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you tell when a woman is horny? A: When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like a horse eating oats. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do women like whales? A: They have an 8 foot tongue and can breathe through the top of their heads! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties? A: To keep the foreskin from coming up over their heads. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 Poems -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With tinkerbells and cockleshells And a lot of horse manure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "It Hurts" You probably can't imagine It's as simple as can be This place is rather private The players he and she. She whispered "will it hurt?" "Of course not", he replied "It's a simple project, lay back and close your eyes." She said "I'm rather frightened, I've never done this before." He wanted to continue It wouldn't hurt much more "It's becoming rather painful, As tears rolled down her eyes, "It's hurting something awful, It must be quite a size!" "Calm yourself, my darling, As the feeling holds in your spine, Open up more slightly, So I can get more inside." Suddenly with a jump She gave a little shout Now that it was over He slowly pulled it out. If you read this carefully A dentist chair you'll find It's not what you were thinking it's just your dirty mind! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Clean Stuff -------------------------------------------------------------------------- SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbor. COMMUNISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and gives you the milk. FASCISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and sells you the milk. NAZISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and shoots you. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows, the government takes both of them, shoots one of them, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. CAPITALISM: You have two cows, you sell one of them and buy a bull. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Ethinc Stuff -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Laboratory Analysis Report Homo Sapiens Species Female Specimen Element: Woman Symbol: WO Discovered by: Adam Atomic Weight: Average specimen is 118, but there are known isotopes ranging from 92 to 160, with highly radioactive specimens of 250 and above (avoid at all costs). Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas. Chemical Properties: 1. Possesses great affinity for gold (Qu), Silver (Ag), Platinum (Pt), and several precious and semi-precious stones and minerals. 2. Capable of consuming huge quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously if not handled with great care. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but behavior characteristics are noticeably altered by saturation in ethyl alcohol. 5. Yields to pressure if properly applied. Mental Properties: 1. Difficult to ascertain due to the complex nature of the thought processes followed by examined specimens. a) Revised testing protocols are under study but researchers report that the unique "logic" of these specimens make accurate appraisal unlikely. Physical Properties: 1. Surface generally very smooth, with many interesting irregularities, many of which are selectively covered with paints, powders, oils and colored films. a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each fingernail. b) Some specimens exhibit a tendency to spread thick applications of paint, powders and oils around the eyes, resulting in a somewhat frightening appearance. NOTE! Beware of this variety as they are prone to cracking and peeling. The dispersal of flying debris and the consequent realization that what you see ain't what you get will result. 2. Boils at nothing and freezes for no apparent reason. 3. Melts if given proper treatment. 4. Bitter and dangerous if used incorrectly. 5. Found in various states in nature from virgin mettle to common ore. Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Ethinc Stuff 6. Selected specimens have a pleasant aroma. 7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held close to (at times causing over heating). Uses: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known to man. 3. Can aid in relaxation. 4. Some varieties capable of brightening the day. 5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscles of males. a) USE WITH CAUTION! Positive and negative results have been obtained for a given stimuli, depending on variety of specimen. 6. Some specimens have been reported to be instrumental in the initiating GLOBAL WARFARE. 7. Generally adept at social graces. 8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget. 9. With minimum flattery, it is possible to get varieties to perform trivial tasks. Tests: 1. Pure specimens turn a distinctive rosey color if discovered in their natural state. 2. Specimens turn bright green if placed beside a better specimen. 3. Becomes coy and elusive when confronted with the truth. Cautions: 1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite of the fact that some specimens can and do obtain more than one of the male gender, and then lie about it. 3. Terrible drivers. 4. Known to render telephones into melted slag. 5. Ineffective communicators. Generally known to give subtle "hints" and expect others to guess at their intended meanings. Rarely attempt honest, straight foreword discussions. 6. Affinity for rolling pins. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Gross Stuff -------------------------------------------------------------------------- APPLICATION FOR A PIECE OF ASS Name:________________________________________________________ Address:_____________________________________________________ Phone Number:________________________________________________ Color of hair:___________________ Social Security Number:________________ Do you wear a wig?:______________ Is it real?:______________ Color of eyes:___________________ Do you wear dentures?:_________________ Marital Status: Married:_________ Single:__________ Divorced:___________ Other:________ If other, please explain:_________________________________ Height:__________ Weight:__________ Waist size:_____________ Bra size:__________ Hip size:___________ Are breasts real?:_____________ Do you like them sucked:________ Chewed:________ Kissed:__________ Squeezed:_________ Can you stay out late?:________ How late?:________ All night?:__________ If married, can you get out during the day?:__________ Breakfast?:__________ Noon?:_____________ Afternoon?:_____________ Several days?:______________ Do you like to be screwed?:__________ How often?:____________ Do you like oral sex?:___________ Do you give head?:__________ Do you like anal sex?:___________ Pussy/Prick size: Small:______ Medium:_______ Large:________ Extra large:_____________ When screwing do you: Faint?:______ Fart?:_____ Cry?:_____ Scream?:_____ Yodel?:_______ Whistle?:________ Scratch?:_____ say "Oh God!"?:________ all of the above?:________ When cumming, do you: Wiggle?:_____ Wobble?:_____ Twist?:________ Jerk?:_______ Scream?:________ Yell?:_______ or do you just start humping like hell?:________ Do you screw: Fast?:_______ Superfast?:_________ Slow?:________ or just lay there?:________ How many times a night do you like it?:_______ Comments:___________________________________________ How long do you like to screw?:_____________________ Do you want to screw now?:___________ If you have been screwed before, please give references (no immediate family) Name Address Phone numbers 1._____________________________________________________________________ 2._____________________________________________________________________ 3._____________________________________________________________________ 4._____________________________________________________________________ 5._____________________________________________________________________ 6._____________________________________________________________________ If application is favorable, what are your charges (if any) for: An hour?:_____________ For two hours?:____________ Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Gross Stuff All night?:_____________ For a quickie?:_____________ What credit cards do you accept? Mastercard:__________ Visa:_________ American Express:________ Sears:__________ Montgomery Wards:____________ Do you like to do it: In a bed?:_______ In a water bed?:_________ On the floor?:________ In a car?:_______ In a movie?:_________ Standing up?:_________ Anywhere?:_______ -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mommy, Mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma again!" "Shut up and dig." "Mommy, Mommy, I hate my sisters guts!" "Shut up and eat finish your dinner." "Mommy, Mommy I don't like this tomato soup!" "Shut up and eat before it clots." "Mommy, Mommy, sister has a wart!" "Shut up and eat around it." "Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England!" "Shut up and keep swimming." "Mommy, Mommy, why are you moaning?" "Shut up and keep licking!" "Mommy, mommy! I'm tired of walking in circles!" "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Stuff -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to see if he could fine a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode over the Wheatstone Bridge down around by the Sine Wave and stopped in a Magnetic Field next to a Flowing Current. Micro Farad placed Millie Amp on the Ground Potential, raised her Frequency, lowered her Capacitance, and pulled out his High Voltage Probe. Fully excited, Millie Amp cried "Moh Moh Moh!". The Fluxed all afternoon, trying various Sockets and Connectors until Micro Farad's Bar Magnet had lost all of it's Field Strength. Then Millie Amp tried Self Induction and damaged her Solenoid. They finished by Reversing Polarity and blowing each other's fuses... Eddie Current -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, didya ever notice? You can win a million $'s with no purchase necessary but the details are inside the package? You can lead a woman to knowledge but you can't make her think. We park in driveways and drive on parkways. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hole in the Kimono", by Seymour Hair "Spots on the Wall", by Hu Flung Doo "My Life as a College Student", by I. R. Smart "The Joy of Sex" by Phillip McCrevice "Russian Catastrophe" by Pulya Pudoff "The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls "The Tight Rubber" By Dick Smothers "Tracks in the Sand" by Peters Dragon "Blood, Sweat and Tears" by the Labor Movement "Hole in the Mattress" by Mr. Completely "The Overpopulation of China" by Wee Fuhkum Yang. "50 Yards to the Out House" Written by Willie Makit Illustrated by Betty Wont Edited by Justin Tyme -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sign on darkroom door: DARKROOM - Keep Door Closed! (if door is left open, all the dark leaks out!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Stuff This article is being presented through the *StarBoard* Journal of the FlagShip/StarShip, SIGS (Special Interest Groups) on the Delphi and GEnie telecommunications networks. Permission is hereby granted to non-profit organizations only to reprint this article or pass it along electronically as long as proper credit is given to both the author and the *StarBoard* Journal. Computaholics Exam by MATRAT, CFJ, and RABBIT Are you a Compute-a-holic? Many of us are without even realizing it. Below are a *few* questions to help you take a somewhat humorous look at your computing habits, and decide if you need help. A new chapter of Computaholics anonymous may be forming near you. Do you use disk labels for tape? Do you buy disks in lots of 100? Has this ever happened to you: Your spouse gets *frisky* and you say, "Not tonight honey, I've got a bug." And then you have to explain that you meant *in your program*, when your better half breaks out the Pepto-Bismol? Do you use more than a CASE of paper per year? Do you own and frequently use a calculator capable of Hexadecimal and binary arithmetic? Do you have computer style personalized license plates such as: CPU-HED ? PLA-PHA ? PAG-ZRO ? MEG-4ME ? GIG-BYT ? 4160ST ? BLITER ? I1T-RAM ? Can you look at memory hex dumps and disassemble them in your head? Have you ever written an assembly language program that is more than 10K of pure object code? Every time you pass a computer, typewriter, or anything with keys, do you get this irresistible urge to type something? Is your profession non-clerical in nature, yet you can type 70 words per minute or more? Would you RATHER write a video game than play one? When a friend calls you to ask you about a problem with his monitor, do you immediately start thinking in assembly code, when he meant his Monochrome display? Do you HOPE the teacher assigns a term paper instead of a mid term exam, so you can do it on your computer? Have you ever waked up at 3AM face down on your computer's keyboard? Do you take computer magazines to the toilet with you? Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Stuff Do you have a bumper sticker which reads: "I'd rater be COMPUTING than COMMUTING"? If you are a professional programmer do you ever wonder, "Why do they PAY me to have this much fun?" When lunch or break time rolls around, do you start working on a computer program for home? Do you have a "computer ROOM" in your house? Do you take computer books to the doctor's office, dentist, or barber with you? Do your kids teethe on game cartridges and disk cases? Do you save Velveeta Cheese boxes to use as 3 1/2" disk tubs? Do your kids use your bad disks for frisbees? Do you subscribe to more than one COMPUTER MAGAZINE? Do you ever take a VACATION DAY so you can spend 16 hours in front of your computer at home? Do you own more than $3000 worth of "home computer" equipment? Do you write a "quick and dirty" checkbook balancing program when you pay the monthly bills, because it's too much trouble to find a calculator? Do your kids say things like, "Compile error Dad, can't mow the lawn today. I got a priority interrupt and have to go to the library and process some homework!"? Do you ever confuse computer terms with cliches like: "Man, he did he ever blow his stack pointer!" Do you print the kids' school valentines, Christmas, or birthday cards with the computer? Do you constantly lose important phone numbers and info under piles of computer manuals and printer paper? Do you have a neurotic fear of throwing away any box that once contained computer equipment, in case you might have to "send it back to the factory"? Do you have piles and piles of such boxes, filling every closet and every inch of garage space in your living area? Do you have to take out several trash bags full of obsolete program listings every week? Does your spouse often threaten your computer with violence...in a Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Stuff "joking" way, of course? (Examples: "I'll take an axe to that thing!", "throw it in the pool", etc.) Have YOU ever threatened a guest with violence if he set a glass of water down next to the computer? Do you talk to the computer as if it could hear you? Do you own more than two computer languages that you never use? And never even learned? Do you own a shirt-pocket pencil holder? When your girlfriend (wife, etc.) says "it's too hot, I think I'll slip into something more comfortable", do you run to turn up the air conditioner to protect your computer from overheating? Do your family and friends write you letters instead of calling since they can never get through to you on the phone, while you play on Delphi, BBSs and the like? Are all the clocks in your house 24 hour format? When you read about Americans and Russians negotiating ICBM reduction, do you wonder how many Commodore computers they could destroy? Do you put Audio CDs in your computer's CD-ROM player to analyze them? Do you take your family on a "get away" vacation to Silicon Valley? Have you worn the letters off your computer's keyboard? Can you recite the alphabet in ASCII codes? Has your dog ever attacked, or raised its leg upon, your computer system out of jealousy? Do you read license plates to look for letter combinations that look like assembly opcodes? When your wife says she is going to take a "drive to the store" do you get a sudden urge to go check on your disk drives? Is your idea of a BIG ADVENTURE playing one? Can your children do binary arithmetic? Have burglars ever hit the entire neighborhood except your house, because you are always UP CODING? Is the biggest tragedy in your life a power outage? Do you use computer chips instead of thumb tacks? Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Stuff Have you actually ever managed to finish a programming project on time? (If so, you are definitely a computaholic.) Have you ever realized that you "forgot to go to bed" when the alarm goes off, while you're sitting in front of the keyboard? Have you ever gotten a new toy for your child that requires "parental assembly" and gone to fire up your Macro Assembler? Do you program in ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE rather than C, Pascal, or Action, just for the FUN OF IT? Do your neighbors call the air force because of a strange glow emanating from one room in your house all night long? Do strange noises, frequent orders for chinese food and many packages from UPS (which you elatedly wait for) catch their attention? Do you celebrate COMDEX as a national holiday? Can you hotwire a phone into your direct connect modem from any motel or relatives house? Do you travel with a computer? Have you forgotten how to talk to other parents at the PTA meeting? Do you burst out laughing when your spouse is talking and manages to make a completely hidden reference outside of the context of the subject which is hilarious when applied as a computer joke? Does a newly discovered BBS become a highlight of your day? Do you string your own telephone wires and electrical extensions? Have you ever had to explain to the phone company why you *need* 4 phones? Are you constantly trying to find a 'better disk editor' or a 'better input routine' or a 'better word processor' ? Have you ever finished a program and delivered it, then never modified it again? <> Do your kids know how to spell RUN before they knew how to spell their names? Have you noticed how old friends just cannot carry on interesting conversations any more? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Stuff PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Sexual Stuff -------------------------------------------------------------------------- CAJUN BANANA BREAD A SOUTH LOUISIANA DELICACY Ingredients ___________ 2 laughing eyes 2 loving arms 2 well shaped legs 2 firm milk containers 1 fur lined mixing bowl 1 Large banana INSTRUCTIONS 1. Look into the laughing eyes 2. Spread well shaped legs apart 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. 4. Add banana and work in and out until well creamed 5. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief NOTE: Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. ATTENTION: If bread starts to rise; LEAVE TOWN -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound: rubber rubbing against rubber. Is it... A cork being removed from a bottle of wine. A clown making balloon animals. Cher putting on her outfit for the academy awards. Sound: Pop Is it... A plumber unclogging a drain. A suction dart being removed from a pane of glass. A lousy method of birth control. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The three most horrifying words to hear when you are making love are: "That's my daughter!" or "Daddy! Don't shoot!" or "Honey! I'm home!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- SHE HAD PLENTY OF INSURANCE, UNFORTUNATELY, HER PIMP DIED. Today almost every hooker understands how important it is to have life insurance. The streets can get pretty rough. But, what if her pimp is offed? Who's going to find new Johns? Who's going to supply the crack? Clearly his loss would create financial hardships for her and the two mulatto kids he left behind. With Metropolitan Street Life's new Whore plus plan, a prostitute can get permanent insurance protection that provides door-to-door limo service, up to three fixes daily, and a big ugly motherfucker with a gun-just as if your main man was still around. All we ask in return for a safe future is 50% of the action. That's probably a better deal than HE gave you, and WE won't beat you upside the head! METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE......Professionals Helping Professionals. Humor Digest - June 90 UnCategorized Sexual Stuff -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dateline Cape Canaveral: The USA has sent a satellite to Mercury. The USSR has a space station orbiting Mars. The French intend to send a mission to the moon, and the Greeks are planning to send a probe up to Uranus. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the man with five pricks? His pants fit like a glove. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Definition of PMS.... Punish My Spouse! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE ------------------------------------ Doctor - "Take your clothes off" Dentist - "Open wide" Milkman - "Would you like it in the front or the back?" Interior Decorator - "Once it's in you'll love it!" Banker - "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest" Hunter - He goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - June 90