Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

• I started out with nothing,
  & I still have most of it.

• My wild oats have turned into
  prunes and All Bran.

• I finally got my head together,
  now my body is falling apart.

• Funny, I don't remember being
  absent minded..

• All reports are in;
  Life is now officially unfair.

• If all is not lost,
  where is it?

• It is easier to get older
  than it is to get wiser.

• Some days you're the dog;
  some days you're the hydrant.

• Kids in the back seat
  cause accidents.

• Accidents in the back seat
  - cause kids!

• I wish the buck stopped here;
  I sure could use a few. . .

• It's hard to make a comeback
  when you haven't been anywhere.

• Only time the world beats a path to your door
  is when you're in the bathroom.

• If God wanted me to touch my toes,
  he would have put them on my knees.

• When I'm finally holding all the cards,
  why does everyone decide to play chess?

• It's not hard to meet expenses...
  they're everywhere.

• The only difference between a rut
  and a grave is the depth.

• These days I spend a lot of time thinking
  about the hereafter...
  I go somewhere to get something
  & then wonder what I'm here after!