Summary on October 12, 1999 meeting - Marriage - What for? - by Steve
Palmquist.
Michelle introduced the topic by telling a story about a friend
who once proposed to her. He gave three reasons why they should marry:
he loves her; they are a good match; his mother approves. She asked him
to give a more philosophical justification. Now he doesn't speak
to her. Michelle then reminded us that "life is about choices" and that,
as Sartre said, "we are condemned to be free". She suggested we discuss
two aspects of the topic: Are the reasons typically given for marriage
justified? and How do partners actually choose each other?
We began by discussing the topic of attraction. Clifford asked whether we really have a choice about such matters, or if it is controlled by other factors, such as society's expectations. Louisa added that biological conditioning may be a factor as well as society. Roy then pointed out that how we are attracted to others is not necessarily related to who we choose to marry. The head and the heart do not always agree. As an example, he suggested that "women are attracted to bad men." Steve asked him to justify this controversial claim. Roy replied that it is an observation drawn first from his own experience, but that he believes there is a general consensus about it as well. He explained that being attracted to bad men is usually caused by a woman's low self-esteem. Evelyn suggested it may not be bad men, but men with power, that attract women. Louisa claimed all of this applies just as much to men as to women. Moi Ying suggested that it might be a natural instinct. Tom then gave two examples illustrating how a woman's low self-esteem led her to choose a partner who was really bad for her. Agreeing with Louisa, he said we all tend to make poor choices based on past bad habits that we have not yet overcome. Arti agreed that we tend to repeat our family's past unresolved problems and asserted that the two women in Tom's examples may have been right after all, because there ARE no good men!
At this point the conversation shifted gears as William asked Michelle
to tell us what marriage means to her. Michelle replied that it is a public
announcement people make when they intend to form a family unit. William
pointed out that in France many people choose to live together with someone
they love without getting married and seem to be very happy with such an
arrangement. Michelle said she is aware of this possibility, but thinks
the piece of paper is an important symbol: being legally married is better.
Steve expressed doubts about whether a legal certificate is actually required
before two people are justified in regarding themselves as "married" (as
opposed to just living together). Tom pointed out that in many countries
"common law marriage" is recognized in the courts as legal marriage, even
if the couple never had a ceremony or signed any paper. Arti then told
a story about two people who had been living together happily as a couple
for some time, so they decided to get married. Soon after the wedding,
their relationship became much worse, because it turned out that they had
different expectations: the woman still wanted to maintain the same level
of freedom in other relationships, whereas the man wanted to have children
and raise a family. Their relationship collapsed. Roy noted that such differences
of expectations can occur in any relationship. Louisa then explained that,
when a couple has made a public, contractual agreement to have a long-term
relationship, then they are committed to working out these differences
of expectation, rather than just give up. Clifford stressed that the life-long
commitment is the main element in marriage. Evelyn reminded us that there
are also social expectations that come along with being married. Arti agreed,
pointing out that couples who are just living together always have the
freedom to leave the relationship immediately. Moi Ying pointed out that
divorce can also be very quick nowadays.
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| Posted with permission of the author. Hi-Tech Development Co., Ltd., 1999. All rights reserved. |