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$Title{Friends and Divorce:  Surviving the Separation}
$Subject{friend Friends Divorce handle deal feelings emotions conversation
communication communications grief anger change changed separate separation
opportunity opportunities age aging aged counsel counselling counselled}
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Copyright (c) 1993  Tribune Media Services, Inc.


Friends and Divorce:  Surviving the Separation


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QUESTION:  We have been going out with a couple our age for years now, ever
since we both bought apartments in this community at the same time.  Last
night at dinner they announced that they had decided to go their own separate
ways and are filing for divorce.  We are devastated and don't know how to
react.  It is as if someone died.  What can we do for them?  And how can we
deal with our own feelings?  Is there anything you can tell us that might
help?  We would be so very grateful.

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ANSWER:  It is hard to stand aside and watch as two close friends end their
relationship, for it is in many ways, like losing a loved one.  But just as in
cases of grief after the passing of a friend, the first and probably the
hardest thing you must do is to accept the fact.  The least productive and a
most agonizing effort would be to try and intercede, to try and change what
two adults have already decided for themselves.  You do not have to make a
choice between them, and it is possible to maintain an ongoing friendship with
each of them as they begin to construct new lives.  A great deal will depend
upon the course of their divorce proceedings, which may be very destructive,
or more happily leave them both intact emotionally and psychologically.
     They may wish to continue to see you, separately as individuals.  That's
fine, but be careful not to become trapped into sessions where some of their
personal anger against a partner is being vented.  It is a no-win position, so
change the conversation to more neutral, and perhaps happier subjects.  If
these meetings begin to fall into the same repetitive pattern, it may be best
to ease off the relationship for a while, and let the wounds heal.
     This is a good time for you and your spouse to open some lines of
communications, to discuss your personal feelings about the couple with each
other.  Don't become divided by taking sides, but try to develop a unified
position that both of you can accept.  These conversations may help you
overcome your own grief or anger about your friends' divorce.  It is quite
possible that both of you are developing your own strong feelings, and it is
very important that you share your feelings.
     Just as their relationship has changed, your relationship with each of
them must change.  Trying to keep things as they were won't work, so strive
to establish new common ground for a continuing friendship.  While both of you
may offer support to them during moments of great stress, don't overdo it and
try to act as a replacement for the portions of their lives they are each
losing.  Sympathy is fine, as is understanding, but taking up cooking for the
divorced husband is not conducive to a healthy relationship between him and
you.
     While the first shock of their separation seems hard to bear now, another
more dramatic incident may be in the future.  As your friends seek to achieve
new lives, they may decide that the best opportunities lie over the horizon,
and decide to leave.  Such actions may provoke another episode of pain, but
even here you have some opportunities to remain friends that are considerate,
caring and helpful.  Assisting with the moves, accepting the responsibility
for caring for precious possessions until they become settled, may be of great
assistance.  Then you can look forward to the pleasure of visiting and
corresponding, which will at the very least help keep you in touch with these
people you seem to care for so much.

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The material contained here is "FOR INFORMATION ONLY" and should not replace
the counsel and advice of your personal physician.  Promptly consulting your
doctor is the best path to a quick and successful resolution of any medical
problem.